Acceptability

It has been a month since I last made a post.  Birthdays have come and gone.  Same with holidays.  The weather outside is getting that icy chill to it.  I hate the cold.  I hate being cold.  Now is the time of year I really start to bake.

I know it is very random of me but I actually had a reason to be posting today.  I was looking through my Facebook feed and lately I have seen many things that have disturbed me.  Now I have no really right climb onto my little soapbox and lecture.  But I have seen this type of thing seemingly grow outrageously fast these past few months.  I really only took a keen notice of it lately.  What is it you may be asking?  Or you are yelling at me to get on with it.  Anyway....

This, or something eerily similar to this, has been become a more and more popular post for young adults and teens to share.  I see the like sometimes on my younger cousins posts.  But wait.  There is more.

My real question is... WHEN THE HECK DID IT BECOME OKAY TO NORMALIZE THOUGHTS OR AMBITIONS LIKE THESE!  People find amusement in this.  People are agreeing with this and are envious of comments like these.  Is it the next new thing to nonchalantly say you want to kill yourself or would rather be dead and NO ONE try to help?  It is just like, "Cool story bro."?   Is it cool to tell people you would rather be dead?  WHY AREN'T PEOPLE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY?!  There has been a rise of depression and anxiety in the youth.  Do we just shrug it off and say they are trying to get attention?  Is it really harmful to have an honest talk about what that person may be feeling to have a comment like that?  WHEN ARE WE AS A SOCIETY GOING TO START TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR EXTREME LACK OF EMPATHY OR CARING!  We throw everyone who is not perfect or seemingly so, into a box and just leave them there, casually throwing in leaflets of "help" to be perceived to be caring.  

"Oh, there is a lot of help available."  Yeah, there is.  But it does no good to just toss this information out with no real intent to follow through with interest.  Schools are quick to advise a person to take pills or spew the "it is just a phase" rhetoric.  It is rare for real help or empathy to be given.  

And parents, how are we not seeing this?  I am not saying we should read their diaries or stalk their social media.  But some healthy observation of what is being posted on a public social site is necessary.  

OK. Rant over.  

It disturbs me to see this becoming common.  It is like youth, in general, are being swept away into the vast see socially acceptable nonsense.  Like they are lost in world of flickering lights.  So many are light and then are extinguished that it becomes a jumble.

We all need to pay attention.  This time of year usually shows a spike in suicide attempts and successes.  It is never a welcomed gift. 

Looking Back

It sucks looking back.  I know I have been away from this blog for a bit.  I didn't know if I really had anything to write about.  Things are going very well for me and mine.  Therapy is going well.  My marriage is amazing.  My kids are the beautiful little demons they are and I wouldn't change them.  Well, most of the time.  I have been making a lot of new friends.  I am getting out of the house more with my family and alone.  I feel like I am making some positive steps forward in my life.  The thing that kills is when, for some reason or another, I catch a glimpse at someone I used to know.

I am glad they are doing well.  I am glad that they are having the best available to them.  I find myself missing the friendships I thought I had with them.  Feeling like I was never really accepted into this special group.  I thought I was.  I thought I was loved for myself.  But being on the outside looking in, it is hard to say that I was.  I wanted to be accepted so badly.  I wanted to feel like I had that special connection to these people.  Maybe I did and my hindsight is clouded with regret and anger.  An entire chapter of my life seems to be washed away.  I wouldn't even know how to write those over again.  I can't say for certain that I want to.

This summer I seem to have gone through a metamorphosis.  I am not the person I was at the beginning of the summer.  I am not back to my old self nor am I the person who brought in this year.  I am a divine combination of past fierceness, past knowledge, and current hope and spunk.  Am I were I think I should be mentally?  No.  I still have a long way to go and 3 therapy sessions are going to fix me.  Taking medication helps but it doesn't fix me.

I guess I hurt seeing these people because I wanted to do all of these fun things with them or have them accompany me through my events.  I guess I had thought I could just ignore that they are also moving on with their lives just as I am moving on with mine.  It hurts even more thinking that they don't miss or think about me and mine.  I think about them and smile, wishing them well.  I hope they are doing the same.  But you never know how another is thinking or feeling.  Especially since there is no common ground or place to interact with them anymore.  Who knew a line would be drawn and nobody knew until we were all on our own sides.

Am I too proud to cross that line or am I too afraid of dredging up hurt feeling and having to relive it?  What if I cross that line and it is awesome?  I can't say that I will ever know.  There is too much potential for hurt and misunderstanding to be able to have a companionable relationship.  My kids still ask about them and it breaks my heart.  I see things that I wish I could tell them about but then I catch myself.  Nope.  Not happening.

This week is hard in general as the anniversary of the death of a dear family member and friend comes closer.  He went too soon.  We can all agree in that.

Kicking it

This weekend was as uneventful as one might imagine.  I had a very easy surgery Friday afternoon and I am astonished by how well I am feeling.  I am making myself take it slow just until I get an all clear from the doctor.  It doesn't help that one of my kids decided that wrestling thins morning was a good idea and I got hit right on an incision point.  OUCH!  But I am good.

I was able to hang out a with a friend and watch movies Saturday while I sat on my butt and healed.  It was nice to have someone who I could talk Tolkien with and other books.  My husband isn't nearly as into fantasy and books as I am.  That makes talking about anything other than cars interesting.  I made my dear, sweet hubby watch the first Hobbit movie with my about a week ago.  It was almost tiring trying to explain who, what, when, where, why of Middle Earth.  I love him but he is no book nerd.  My friend and I had a good ol' time talking about the different parts of Middle Earth.  My mildly drugged self was very happy.

Yesterday, we took the Jag out for a drive.  The color is just reaching it's peak up here in the nort'.  So we took as many back roads as we could find.  I love autumn.  The changing of the leaves is the best part.  Maple and Birch trees, I believe, have the best color.  I can't find any other tree that has the illusion of being cast aflame by the oncoming cold.  The leaves turn every shade of fall.  Red at the tips that lead to seeping oranges, yellows, and greens.

I also get to bake like crazy during this season.  Cookies, cakes, candies, pies.  All of it.  So blissful am I to be surrounded by sugar, flour, and butter.  The sad part is the dishes that must be cleaned during the process.  I really wish I had a dishwasher during this time of year.

Mentally, I am very at peace right now.  My marriage is awesome.  My kids are growing and learning.  I have the time to be me.  My friendships are become more bright and different.  I have done more for myself these past few months than I have done in the previous 9 years.  Taking the time to spend with friends, with or without children.  Taking the time for me.  Tomorrow is my next therapy session.  It has been a while since I went due to illness in the home.  But I am excited to see how it goes.

Under the Knife

There probably won't be a post tomorrow.  I am having a routine surgery and will be drugged up most of the day.  Should go simple and easy.  Nothing like having surgery to ring in a say good bye to the month and start the next month with healthier eating...  Ah who am I kidding.  At the first chance to make a cheesecake, I am doing it.  Yum.

The world is trying to start being more open and accepting of people who suffer from mental illnesses.  You can see it in the TV shows, read it in books and news articles, and even hear it in music.  With all this acceptance it should be easy to go seek help, right?  Wrong.  Just because the world has put a shiny label on something does not mean it is easier to get help or even come out with what is wrong.  It is still a struggle to acknowledge, even to myself sometimes, that I am only getting better because I am taking a little pill and talking to someone who is little more than a stranger about what I think my issues are.

Depression is only one of the numerous crippling mental health issues that people of this day and age deal with.  Anxiety runs rampant through the youth as the prospects outside of school become grim.  Not just in the youth, but everywhere.  Men and woman are rushing in the human race and sometimes there is too much pressure.  In fact, Anxiety is the most common mental illness in the U.S.  Affecting 18% of the population.  Anorexia and Bulimia sweep through both women and men as the world prints digitally enhanced photos with the underlying context, "You Must Look Like This To be Considered Attractive."  Setting impossible standards that are unhealthy and unrealistic.  

These are but a few of the many mental health issues/illness that are in being made "mainstream".  Only about one third of those suffering actually receive treatment.  One half of those diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with anxiety.  With anxiety alone there are many sub categories.  There are many treatment options available with each one.

I know some will say, "It is just the pharmaceutical companies making money of people.  Creating new 'illnesses' so they can sell more drugs."  I am not fond of pharmaceutical companies in general but I am grateful to be able to have something that helps me.  I will not get into the wrongs of those companies right now, if ever.  I am just glad that those I know who take something to help them get through the day without bringing harm to themselves or to those around them, have it available to them.

This post really has no rhyme or reason to it.  Some small peeks into the labyrinth that is my mind.  I haven't had enough tea lately to make sense of most of it.

Did I mention....... IT IS AUTUMN!!!!! My favorite season.  Not for the pumpkin spice junk.  But for sweaters, apple cider, pie, cake, or just plain apples!  The colors of the trees and the sharp, crisp breath of the breeze.  Corn mazes, pumpkin patches, spice cookies, Halloween!,  Mr. Boogity,  Hocus Pocus, The Tale of Icabod Crane, and so much more!  All these things give a perfect setting for bonfires, wood smoke, clear and starry nights.  The only thing that would make this season better is if it would just freeze at the time when the trees are in full color, the bugs are gone and I have an apple in my hand.  No need for winter.  I am good.

Month of Ill

As the title suggests, I have been ill for the past month if not longer.  Starting with a sinus cold for 2 weeks, then a sinus infection for 2 weeks, add a bit of pink eye, and top it off with what I am guessing is another sinus cold/infection.  Oh the joys of being me.

As for the future I am heading into a routine surgery this weekend.  The kids will be spending a great deal of time with the grandparents this weekend.  If I happen to call you and I sound like I am stoned off my butt, I apologize and please record it because I am sure it will be hilarious.  The kids are liking school and I am trying to get back into the groove of being home alone after about 2 weeks of kids/spouses home sick.  I am very lazy.  As for therapy, I had to cancel my last visit because I did not want to share the lovely thing known as pink eye with the clinic.

I have posted before about teen suicides and the statistics surrounding it.  I have even posted about the ways to help talk to someone who is considering suicide.  It is all gruesome and tedious business.  There is no happiness about it, save only if someone turns away from suicide and gets the help they deserve.  The stories of suicide does not end with the ending of a life.  The pain and sadness flows on in those who are left behind.  The mothers, fathers, siblings, and loved ones of the person who has been lost.  These people have to live with the memories of everything.  It is never certain if it would bring more pain to them if they were asked about their loss or if talking about it will bring comfort.  The grey area is different for every case.

A good friend of mine has started a new website and project because of the loss of a beautiful soul.  It is on Facebook as well.  We're Still Here Project is the brain child of my brilliant friend, Jessica.  An amazing woman who makes web pages bend to her will, also has one of the most tender and caring hearts I have been blessed to know.  It was actually because of her own battles that she chose to come public with that I decided to seek help for my depression and create this blog.  Back to the project.

It is still in its infancy and needs the stories and views of other people to succeed.  These stories could possibly help someone else that has suffered a loss.  I am a firm believer that it is through stories that a person is still here.  Through stories a person may become immortal.  This project hopes to grow into a resource to help those left behind with what they need up to helping with the costs to lay those who have gone too soon to rest.

Check out the web page.  You can search We're Still Here Project on Facebook or if you are my friend on FB I am sure you have seen me share some of the posts.

As Jessica has said on the website, death has no age limit.  If we can help someone who has felt the sting of loss feel even a smidge better it is well worth it.

WEEKEND!

I am still on the mend from my infections.  I can go most of the day without pain killers unless I stare at a screen too long.

We signed the papers for the repairs and upgrades on the house today.  Oh the joy of spending $45,000 that you didn't really want to but know you have to.  It should be all done and over with in about 3 months.  Alas, it is signed, filed, and now we just have to pick the color for the new siding.  I am glad the kids will be in school during the bulk of the mayhem that will be going on.

Now to turn our attention to getting the land ready for the coming winter.  Plow truck needs to be serviced if not changed over.  Our old Crusty is getting too crusty and we may be putting the plow on a different truck,

This week was interesting with the infection and with the kids.  I was really hoping that I would have time to be miserable by myself this week.  Well, my son had a stomach ache Tuesday and my daughter didn't want to be in school on Wednesday.  I got Thursday to be a sick, sad momma.  Moms truly never get breaks.

This weekend I hope to be able to get some alone time.  As well as some time with just the hubby and I.  Got an over night babysitter set for Saturday.  DATE NIGHT!  We may make some time to play cards against humanity with some friends.

Good health for the weekend.

Better Late

I am finally feeling slightly human enough to type.  Turns out I had/have a wicked sinus and middle ear infection.  Yay me!  Bring on the horse pill full of magical antibiotics and steroids!  That is what I get for ignoring it/thinking it was just a sinus cold for almost a week.  But at least I don't need the migraine medicine as much.  Meaning I only need it once a day instead of 4 times a day.  Let this be a lesson to people.  SINUS INFECTIONS SUCK!

My therapy appointment last week was interesting.  I won't be able to see her again because of scheduling issues for another 2 weeks.  I am really hoping to be able to learn new ways to process thing and to be able to let go of grudges.  If anyone knows me in reality they can tell that I am a gold medalist in grudge holding and working in evil and devious ways.

The kids seems to be enjoying school.  I am still getting used to being by myself during the day and being sick these last 2-2 1/2 weeks has not been fun.  Part of me says to find a part time job.  The other part of me knows how important it is to me and my family to have me here at home.  My mom was able to be at home during my youth and I enjoyed having her be there when I got home from school.  My father in law was home for my husband and his brother when they were in school too.  It may not work for everyone but it works for us.

The seasons are changing in NW WI.  Apple orchards are opening and the leaves are slowly starting to turn.  The air hasn't changed yet.  You can tell when Autumn is here when the air has that crisp end to every breath and the comforting fragrance of the harvest.  I hope to actually be able to go to a corn maze with the kids this year.  They are both big enough now that I think they will both enjoy it.  I look forward to trying to surprise my hubby with a picnic in the field.  Halloween decorations are in full force here.

We got approved to do improvements to the house.  New siding, new septic, new gutters, and best of all, a new and adjusted furnace set up.  That means no more having to build a fire EVERY 4 HOURS!  No more or not as much ash in the house during the winter.  Not having to worry so much about having to make sure we have enough dry wood to keep warm all winter!  I will still be making fires in the wood stove but we will have a new set up that will make it more efficient.  Nothing, I mean nothing feels better than a wood fire when it is -20 degrees outside.  Except maybe a warm cup of cider, fuzzy blanket, a good book, and good music in the background.  AH.  A perfect day.

In case you couldn't tell, Autumn is by far my favorite season.  If only it wasn't also football season as well.  Oh golly the Packer fans are gonna be coming out soon.  And the Badger fans.  Wisconsin, the place for sports and beer.... and cheese..... yummy cheese.

Migraine

Not gonna be much of a post today.  I have a splitting head ache and am trying to write this post with my voice to text software.  It still needs some adjustment.  Looking at any screen is painful and I am about to retreat into my dark room after I put the kids to bed,

Therapy Tuesday was, what I think, a really nice start.  My therapist and I seem to be a good match.  She said the way I talk is colorful and creative.  I will get into it more when I don't feel like my brain is trying to escape through my sinuses.

The kids really enjoyed their first full week of school.  Hubby is off for the holiday weekend.

I am sorry this isn't much of a post.  I will do better Monday.  Have a safe and happy Labor Day weekend.  I am going to bed down with some Excedrin. 

The day after Sunday

The kids have been shipped off to school and I find myself with only a light list of things to do today.  My dear Hubby was kind enough to help me REALLY clean the house this weekend.  I mean, he washed the carpets and everything.  I love that man.  He spoils me.  He even let me have a late night out Saturday with a good friend.  He stayed and watched the kids.  Not that he had to do so much.  The kids were in bed when I left.  But it is the thought that counts.  I still have a stupid sinus cold that just won't leave me be.

We have an unwanted guest in my daughters room. I am keeping the door closed until hubby can get home to take care of it.  Maybe it is because Halloween is now on the radar that he decides to visit.  We have a BAT in the house.  We think we know how he is getting in and hubby will be taking car of it when he gets home.  Until then I will not go into that room.  Nope. Nope. Nope.  I can wash those clothes on her floor a different day.  No rush.

I have my initial therapy appointment tomorrow.  It is about an hour from my house.  So I get a long time to freak out and worry on my way there.  Will she think I am certifiably crazy?  Oh the thinks you can think.  Hubby will be getting off of work an hour early so I can be sure to get there on time.  I am not looking forward to the paperwork.  No that is a lie.  I love paperwork.  I am not looking forward to the awkwardness of trying to explain myself.  This blog is the most I like to talk about myself.

Sadly, my community has received another blow.  Another youth has committed suicide.  This person was 18.  Earlier this year his girlfriend committed suicide.  She was 17 if I remember correctly.  I did not know these people personally.  But I know many people who did.  I can see the pain on their faces. Hear it in their voice.  The anguish is so bitter.  There have been so many teen suicides lately.  Not just in my community but in many places around this world.  It is not like it didn't happen when I was a teenager.  I can remember less than a handful of occurrences in my high school years.  The statistics of suicide are concerning.

On average, there are 117 suicides a day.  PER DAY!  Men are 3.5 times more likely to commit suicide than women.  Whites have held the highest percentage of suicides for more than a decade.  Followed my Native Americans.  Nearly 50% of all suicides are completed by use of a firearm.  Suffocation is 29%.  And for every suicide there is 25 attempts.  It is unclear if the rise in social media, unattainable physical standards, or one of many other factors is contributing to the slow but steady increase of suicides.

But with the use of social media, while there has been an increase in cyber bullying, instructions on how to commit suicide and such, there is also an increasingly large number help sites and awareness pages to reach out and assist in helping those who are in need.  There is hope.  There is help.  No one needs to go at it alone.

I will be updating my links to show the nifty sites I found.  Then I am going to make me some food.  I can't decide if it will be burritos or chicken and pineapple pizza.  Either way.... I win.

Busy Bees

I didn't mean to take a break from the blog.  I honestly hadn't much time this last week and a half.
Between doctor appointments, therapy for Addison, getting the last of the school supplies, actually starting school, and getting acclimated to not having the kids home all the time, I have not had the time to write.  Things should calm down after August is over.  I can't say I am very patiently waiting for September to start.  I am very impatient.  I crave the quite that a schedule brings.  The panic of getting used to when to wake the children in time for the bus, scheduling therapies during school, and making time for a family, is exhausting.

It has been decided that Addison will continue her therapies at Spots House and we will not be taking advantage of the programs available at the school.  The progress she has made over the summer far out preforms the progress she made in an entire school year with the school therapies.  I am very thankful and lucky to have the opportunity to have this program available.  She is talking so much!  I think going to school will also help her.  The other students and teachers do not know her like I do so she will have to find a different way to communicate.  She seemed to enjoy her first day of school.  I think my biggest struggle will be making sure she eats enough and has access to different food, pushing her to try different things.  This lass is quite the picky eater.  I have to get some meat on her bones.

Griffon is LOVING school.  I am glad he enjoys it even though I am having issues with it.  Not with him going to school.  Not even much with what they are doing in class.  It is the fact that my kindergartner has HOMEWORK!  Seriously!  "Oh it is just reading and finishing the projects we don't finish in class."  I don't mind reading to my child.  I love it.  But to assign homework to a 5 year old is asinine.  I also got quite the look when I told the teacher that my child will not be participating in any standardized testing.  Sorry, I refuse to allow my child to become a statistic to milk money out the system.

Next week is my therapy appointment.  I am at that grey line where the medication is working so well I almost feel silly seeking therapy.  But I know I don't want to be on medication forever.  I know therapy will help be be this happy and content without the need of chemistry altering medications.  But I do have have to say that the meds are working very well.  I haven't really had a bad day in a while.  Things are looking up when it comes to my mental health.  My physical health is getting better as well.  I am still slowly losing weight.  I just wish this sinus cold I have had for the past week would bugger off.  I am at the tail of it.  At least I don't sound like I have lost a screaming match with a troll anymore.  I just hack up part of my lungs randomly.

Things are looking good.  I hope they continue this way.

It is September yet?

Sorry.  Sorry.  Sorry.

I completely forgot to make a post on Friday.  My life is so full of crazy and I would forget my head if it were attached.

Okay.  Where was I?  Last week we had to replace a brake line in my car to I was grounded for most of the week.  Ozzie was kind enough to come get me from Addison's therapy appointment where we were stranded.  I even ran out of sugar!  That has never happened before.  It was telling how much I use it in my day to day.

I have to admit I had kind of a bad day last Wednesday.  I had no confidence in myself and just felt like staying in bed all day.  Finally at around 2 pm I was able to pull myself up and and got stuff done around the house.  Over the next few days I was able to get my house respectable again.  I still felt kinda ugly and useless.  But I needed to get the house clean because we had an even busier weekend planned.

We had friends come over with their kids Friday night for burgers.  It was a lot of fun and they are the proud owners of a parts lawnmower.  (Sorry guys!)  The kids were nice an worn out by the end of the night.  After they left, or before actually, another friend came over to play games.  Fallout 4 is addictive!.  I think I will stick to Assassins Creed.  But that wasn't enough!  Saturday we had another set of friends and their kids come up.  They came to spend a day letting the kids play and helping Ozzie with his car projects.  Pizza was had.  Blackberries were picked. I tried Baba ghanoush for the first time.  It was yummy.

This next 2 weeks will be just as crazy.  School starts for the kids in about a week and a half.  Therapies, doctor appointments, time out with friends. finishing school shopping, and a lot of other messiness.  A big shout out to my Mumyeta for offering to buy the kids nap mats!  That helped out a lot.  Thank you!

I start my therapy two weeks from tomorrow.  I am so nervo-cited! The medication has helped a lot but I want to get down to the root of my issues.  I know I have a lot of them and want to adjust as many as I can.

My life has turned so interesting in these last few weeks.  Ozzie and I are taking more time to be together and to meet and interact with new people.  I am so grateful for my friends that we have spent time with, including my new friends that make everything exciting.  I can't wait to hang out with everyone again.

My blue hair will be gone by the end of the week.  It will be going to a different shade.  But that is a surprise.  It may be expected.  It may be shocking.  But it will be fun.

What if I told you?

Secrets.  Life is full of them.  The ones we keep from outsiders.  The ones we keep from family.  The ones we keep from our spouses.  And finally, the ones we keep from ourselves.  There are so many different kinds of secrets.  I was once told that secrets are lies by omission.  That not sharing EVERY SINGLE THING is a lie.  I am blunt.  I am not subtle.  But I don't think everyone wants to hear what is going on inside my head.  It would shock, disgust, offend, entertain, and confuse you.  It does the  same to me.  Ozzie won't even listen to my dreams anymore because he says they are too strange.

This weekend was full of so much crazy.  We had a wedding and a birthday party on Saturday.  Luckily the kids had an overnight babysitter again and Ozzie and I were able to play adults for a little bit.  The wedding was interesting.  It is Wisconsin so there was a LOT of alcohol there.  One gent was so far into the bottle by the time we got there, he decided he would water the grass in front of everyone.  NO WARNING!  The men laughed, the ladies cringed.  It was crazy.  The bride looked absolutely radiant and beautiful.  The groom looked stressed and not happy with the commotion.

The birthday party before the wedding was a lot of fun.  It was nice to hang out with friends who have kids.  The understanding of a messy house and happy screams makes you think you are less crazy.  The family of our friends are great fun, too.  I am glad I got to meet them.  After the wedding we visited a friend in town and had a late night full of fried cheese curds and root beer.  We didn't make it back home until 2:30 AM.

It seems the increased meds are doing well for me.  I am fighting off a little insomnia again.  But I am sure that it will pass as I get used to the new dose.  I am having insomnia but I am very tired as well.  My body wants to sleep and my brain won't stop running.   But so far no bad days.  I am hoping this trend continues.  I am ready to be healthy again.  I want to be happy again.  I have gotten some seriously genuine support that I am very grateful for.  I feel like I am coming even further out of the fog that I had been in.  We are meeting great new people as I am finally willing to go out of my bubble.  I am even eating better and have gone down a full pants size.

I have also met, through forums I am part of or through this blog, so many others who are suffering from depression.  It has so many forms and the word, "depression" is so demonized that people are scared to admit they may have it.  It is hereditary.  It can be cause by any different situations. From what I understand, cutting oneself is a popular self harm for teens suffering from depression.  They are putting physical scars to match the one in their mind.  They refuse to seek help or are scared to seek help.  Cutting releases the anger/sadness/fear that they hold inside, or so they say.  I, personally, have never been so far down the rabbit hole that I believe harming myself was they only way to feel better.  It is saddening to read about or talk to these young girls and boys.

We can all sit at our computer and say, "That is wrong.  They shouldn't do that.  Life isn't that bad."  But we aren't living it.  Sure, some cut or act out to get attention.  There are plenty of youth and even adults that do not.  Much of the time they hide it so they don't hear people say the same words I just typed.  They don't want to be made to feel any worse.  We can show concern and be compassionate with being brash and angry.  Compassion can't reside in anger.  Concern should be shown by tearing another down.  You can be an ear for them to speak to.  You can find ways to help by finding support groups or information online.  Yelling, "YOU SHOULDN'T"T DO THAT!" doesn't help.  Threatening to tell parents or loved ones can only make it worse.  Try to understand that they are feeling EVERYTHING.  Understand that this is how they have learned to process it.  Is it unhealthy and could potentially lead to far more dangerous things?  YES!  But they need a gentle hand to help lift them up.  Not a hard stare and fear.

It you want to help someone who is suffering from any type of depression, lead with love.

I missed one!

This last week has been SO CRAZY!  But in the best way.  I gad a great weekend with family and friends.  We went to a family members birthday on Saturday and had so much fun.  It is always great to have friends with kids that our kids can play with.  Even better if they are cousins.  Even more so if there is good food there.  We were lucky enough to have another babysitter for Saturday night.  Ozzie surprised me by getting us a hotel room with a Jacuzzi.  It was nice to not have to worry about cleaning, kids or pets.  It was also nice to have just time with Ozzie and me.  Nine years and counting.

A funny thing about us is that we talk about everything.  He has access to my emails and facebook.  I have access to his.  We really don't have secrets from each other.  It works for us because I often have to send things for work from his email and he doesn't remember passwords that well.

Sunday we had to do some work around the sheds. It was the best time to do so because the kids were gone and we didn't have to worry about them getting hurt.  A good friend came over to help up out.  After we moved some stuff we sat in the nice air conditioning and watched Wayne's World.  I haven't watched that movie in so long.  It was almost too painful to watch.  "CHA!"  Makes me cringe and laugh at the same time because I remember trying to talk like that.

I finally got my meds from the mail pharmacy.  I think I mentioned how we were going to increase the amount of meds I was taking.  I have only been taking this new amount for a few days.  I am waiting to see how I feel once I am well rested.  I have just been so busy.

My daughters therapies have been changed to be Monday. Tuesday, and Wednesday mornings.  That is a lot of driving for someone who is used to being at home all the time.  Plus getting the kids up earlier than they are used to.  Not that that is a bad thing.  They only have 21 days, as I am reminded by my son, until school starts.  They will be catching the bus in the morning so they will have to start getting up earlier.  We will have to move the bed time again, too.

Time is flying by so fast.  Not dragging everyday.  I guess I am getting better.  I still can't wait until my appointment.  I think I will learn a lot.

This next weekend we will be crazy busy as well.  A birthday party and a wedding on the same day.  Our washer broke last week and we got the part in to repair it just yesterday.  Now that it is working again I have a lot of house work to catch up on.  A house with children never stays clean.

Have a great week everyone!

That was hard

Yesterday was very hard.  It carried a lot of emotions.  Anger, confusion, and sadness.  Long story short, and keep the anonymity of this person, a friend and I decided that our friendship needed to end.  It all came down to there was something that neither of us would back down from.  I guess you could say that we walked away in a neutral way.  Not in a bad way or in a good way.  I still love my memories with them.  I with this person was honest with me earlier.  So much could have been avoided.  I could tell something was up because they pretty much avoided me.  That hurt more than the truth.  I had asked if I did anything about a month ago and they said things were fine.  But they lied.  That bothers me.  But that is in the past, even if the hurt is in the present.  I am mostly sad because my children lost friends due to no fault of their own.  If this  person ever reads this.  I wish you and your the very best.

So I have a very blunt request.  If I have upset anyone in anyway, PLEASE TELL ME!  Do not let it fester.  If I know you in real life and you have no interest in interacting with me and ALL of my family, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME so I do not wonder about who my ACTUAL friends are.  Friends who accept that we are not perfect.  That I have MANY issues I am working through.  That our past does not dictate our future.  The mistakes will be made and not realized without communication.  I CANNOT FIX OR APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING IF I HAVE NO IDEA I DID ANYTHING.  People I had considered family are not talking to us and not responding to messages or calls.  

I want to take this time to give a shout out to the people who have never let me feel like I am nothing.  I have many great, awesome, amazing friends and family.  They just live in different states.  I have a best friend in AZ.  I know I can call and talk to her about anything.  She is so amazing.  I have a great friend in VA.  She has gone through so much and is just rocking at life.  I have amazing friends and family in WY, NM, and CO.  My lovely sisters, brothers, and sister in law.  I am so lucky.  I have cousins who may be far away but I know care.  They have beautiful families and I love them all.  The friends and family I have that are local have born the brunt of my issues and they still claim me.  They deserve a metal.  I have friends in so many places I should never feel lonely.  Just because they cannot be here, RIGHT NOW, doesn't mean they don't care.

Thank you to everyone who reads this and to my friends and family who support me.  I am growing.  It is messy, it is tiring, and it is worth it.

"TOOT!!!!" "TOOT!!!"

I don't want to toot my own horn but I make one heck of a roast.  It has been slowly cooking since about 9 AM.  It smells so good!  Gotta love roasting cow meat.  Just add gravy, homemade bread, potatoes and carrots and you have dinner.

I had a crazy busy weekend.  A lot of it was working on my husbands Jaguar XJS.  That beast is everything that is good and bad about British cars.  The craftsmanship is elegant but the ludicrous ideas on the placement of things make it hard to work on.

But is is very pretty.

The mail isn't here yet today so I have not gotten my updated prescription yet.  I don't know if it will be coming in today or later this week.  Last night, Ozzie and I had a long conversation.  Much of it was about my improved mental state.  He says I am a completely different person than I was 2-3 months ago.  He says I am not moping and I am getting my personality back.  Slowly.  The house seems happier when I am not sulking in a corner, wishing the darkness would swallow me up.  The kids aren't as nervous.  That is easy when they don't see mommy crying for no reason.  I have been told by a few people that the difference can be seen in my writing.  I will have to go back and read to see if even I can see it.

We also talked about what we wanted to do for our 9 year anniversary in August.  That got us talking about what to do next year for our 10 year.  We want to have a celebration for our friends and family to join in next year.  Kind of a big middle finger to all the ones who said that we wouldn't last this long.  We got a lot of, "You won't make it six months."  "You can't make it a year."  And "You will be divorced by you 10 year anniversary."  So we want to make sure to have a great party to stick it to the naysayers.  Sadly, a lot of these people are extended family members.  People who I found, in the last few years, have never liked me and boarder on hating me.  People who pretended to like me.  So we will have a party.  And enjoy it without them.  For our anniversary this year we are just gonna, hopefully, find a babysitter and enjoy dinner and an evening, just us two.

I am going to take a moment to say, "I love my husband so much!"  He balances me out and treats me so well.  We balance each other out.  I couldn't imagine my life without him.  It is almost scary how much we influence each other.  I wish I could influence him to like veggies more.  He is the best man and a great father.  I love you, Ozzie.

HeAt WaVe

It is blooming hot.  I don't mind the heat if it is just heat.  But this 80-90% humidity is horrid.  To make things worse, I have some blueberries that are begging to be made into muffins but it is far to hot to even think about turning on the oven.  Our one window unit has been running nonstop and I am not looking forward to this next electric bill.  But this heat wave won't last forever.  All too soon it will start getting cool and we will be in my favorite season.  Autumn.  Ah, Autumn.  When the world is colorful and the air is crisp and fresh like an apple.

This week has been, well, neutral.  Monday I was anxious, as proven by what I had written.  I wasn't until I was getting ready for bed that I realized that I had forgotten to take my medication that morning.  It startled me to see how dependent I had already become to my medication.    I guess it also go's to show how much I actually needed them to have a somewhat normal life.  Ozzie and I noticed that if I forget to take my medication right away in the morning, say I remember to take it at lunch , I still get anxious and have a bad day.  While I am not nearly having as many really bad, can't get out of bed, wonder why I bother trouble the world with my issues, days.  I have been having a large number of just bad, why does the world hate me, can't trust anyone around me, days.  My thoughts were/are that I do not have enough medication in my system to correct the chemical imbalance to achieve a consistent flow of good to not so bad days.  I know that bad days happen but they shouldn't happen multiple times a week.

I spoke with my N.P., who by the way is great at making me feel like I am not overreacting and silly.  I told her my concerns as well as informed her about what had been happening with my friend.  Who is doing well by the way.  We both decided that increasing my medication would be a benefit to me.  I still have about 6 weeks until I start therapy, which I am eagerly waiting.  I want to be able to enjoy my enjoy my time with my family.  I don't want to be a wet blanket for them or for my friends.  My anxiety and paranoia on my bad days are trying to slowly destroy any relationships I have outside of my house.  If I let it continue it could potentially destroy my home.

So I will be increasing my medication intake.  Hopefully, this will further balance my moods.  I need to give a big shout out to my insurance.  I am very lucky to have a great supplemental insurance.  It allows me to get to the doctor and get the help I need to not be crazy.  I just found out that as long as I use their prescriptions by mail program, it doesn't cost me anything to get the medications I need,  I am so thankful!  I know there are other programs like this that are available in other areas, so if you need help paying for medications or assistance, please ask your doctor.

I was able to spend some time with a good friend yesterday.  It was nice to have time for adult conversation.  She is also working on getting healthier by eating better and working out.  She sounded so upbeat and optimistic that I couldn't help but be infected with it.  I want to get better at working out and eating better, too!  And her kids are awesome.  

I wish it was cool enough for me to do some baking.  Heck, I wish it was nice enough to go outside without melting.  I am also not feeling my blue hair anymore.  I am thinking black or purple.  Who knows.  Stay cool out there.  

Netflix. The cure for Anxiety. And Chocolate Cake recipe

Good Monday!  It was a lovely weekend.  Addison had a great birthday party and everyone seemed to have a great time!  I am so glad that many of my friends and family were able to make it.  The house is mostly back to normal from it all.  Now I just have to catch up on the day to day care of the house and kids.

I have bad anxiety today.  It is triggered by silly things.  Mostly being online.  So besides binge watching Netflix, posting on this blog will be the most internet I do today.  I won't be checking my Facebook or even my email until this evening.  I am always calmer when Ozzie is home.

It is interesting how anxiety can really cripple you.  Not that my not wanting to go online is crippling, but in other cases it can.  My anxiety manifests as a racing heart beat, sudden heat in my face, hands and chest, and a tightness in my chest and throat.  Mentally, I try to shut down.  My mind is so occupied with thinking of what I did wrong and all the worst case scenarios that I start to panic more.  So I try to shut my mind off so I don't get a full on attack.  Netflix, books, silly games help me to turn my mind off and vanish into a different world.  Worlds where my emotions have no control over the story and I can just blindly follow where the story leads.

I like playing My Little Pony on my kindle.  I enjoy playing Kingdom Hearts and Minecraft.  I love manga and anime.  My favorites are Fruits Basket and Snow White with the Red Hair.  The books I read range from young adult to the classics.  I am currently reading the Undraland Series and rereading Anne Rice's Interview with the Vampire series.  I will mix in some Jane Austin and Harry Potter.  I can't wait to start reading Harry Potter to the kids and Anne of Green Gables to Addison.  Reading worlds that are so far from my normal relaxes me and basically allows me to be relatively mindless.

I also bake to shut my mind off.  For Addison's party I made my death by chocolate cake.  It is a chocolate cake with peanut butter cream cheese frosting and chocolate peanut butter ganache.  It was a big hit.  

Here it is!

2 cups (250 grams) all-purpose flour  ( I used 3 cups to make a denser cake)
2 1/2 cups (500 grams) sugar   (I used 3 cups for a yummy cake)
3/4 cup (about 65 grams) unsweetened cocoa powder, preferably Dutch process (I used 1 cup cocoa)
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup (235 ml) neutral vegetable oil, such as canola, soybean or vegetable blend (I used softened butter.  Butter is the answer to EVERYTHING!)
1 cup (240 grams) sour cream
1 1/2 (355 ml) cups water  (As if I couldn't get the cake rich enough,  I use milk instead)
2 tablespoons distilled white vinegar ( I use Apple Cider vinegar.  I like the taste better)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 large eggs (You can add one more egg if you are feeling adventurous) 

1/2 cup coarsely chopped peanut brittle (I skipped this)

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter the bottoms and sides of three 8-inch round cakepans. Line the bottom of each pan with a round of parchment or waxed paper and butter the paper.

2. Sift the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt into a large bowl. Whisk to combine them well. Add the oil and sour cream and whisk to blend. Gradually beat in the water. Blend in the vinegar and vanilla. Whisk in the eggs and beat until well blended. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and be sure the batter is well mixed. Divide among the 3 prepared cake pans.

3. Bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until a cake tester or wooden toothpick inserted in the center comes out almost clean. Let cool in the pans for about 20 minutes. Invert onto wire racks, carefully peel off the paper liners, and let cool completely. ( These cakes are very, very soft. I found them a lot easier to work with after firming them up in the freezer for 30 minutes. They’ll defrost quickly once assembled. You’ll be glad you did this, trust me.) (These cakes are very likely to fall so no dancing in front of the stove)

4. To frost the cake, place one layer, flat side up, on a cake stand or large serving plate. Spread 2/3 cup cup of the Peanut Butter Frosting evenly over the top. Repeat with the next layer. Place the last layer on top and frost the top and sides of the cake with the remaining frosting. (Deb note 1: Making a crumb coat of frosting–a thin layer that binds the dark crumbs to the cake so they don’t show up in the final outer frosting layer–is a great idea for this cake, or any with a dark cake and lighter-colored frosting. Once you “mask” your cake, let it chill for 15 to 30 minutes until firm, then use the remainder of the frosting to create a smooth final coating. Deb note 2: Once the cake is fully frosted, it helps to chill it again and let it firm up. The cooler and more set the peanut butter frosting is, the better drip effect you’ll get from the Chocolate-Peanut Butter Glaze.)

5. To decorate with the Chocolate–Peanut Butter Glaze, put the cake plate on a large baking sheet to catch any drips. Simply pour the glaze over the top of the cake, and using an offset spatula, spread it evenly over the top just to the edges so that it runs down the sides of the cake in long drips. Refrigerate, uncovered, for at least 30 minutes to allow the glaze and frosting to set completely. Remove about 1 hour before serving. Decorate the top with chopped peanut brittle.

Peanut Butter Frosting
Makes about 5 cups

10 ounces (285 grams) cream cheese, at room temperature (I only had 8 oz and I wasn't going to the store again)
1 stick (115 grams, 4 ounces or 1/2 cup) unsalted butter, at room temperature
5 cups (600 grams) confectioners’ sugar, sifted
2/3 cup (170 grams) smooth peanut butter, preferably a commercial brand (because oil doesn’t separate out)

1. In a large bowl with an electric mixer, beat the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy. Gradually add the confectioners’ sugar 1 cup at a time, mixing thoroughly after each addition and scraping down the sides of the bowl often. Continue to beat on medium speed until light and fluffy, 3 to 4 minutes.

2. Add the peanut butter and beat until thoroughly blended.

Chocolate-Peanut Butter Glaze
Makes about 1 1/2 cups

8 ounces (225 grams) semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped (I used good quality milk chocolate chips.)
3 tablespoons (50 grams) smooth peanut butter
2 tablespoons (40 grams) light corn syrup, honey or golden syrup
1/2 cup (120 ml) half-and-half (But heavy cream makes it so much more decadent.)

1. In the top of a double boiler or in a bowl set over simmering water, combine the chocolate, peanut butter, and corn syrup. Cook, whisking often, until the chocolate is melted and the mixture is smooth.

2. Remove from the heat and whisk in the half-and-half, beating until smooth. Use while still warm.

ENJOY!

Oh and my friend is doing well and will be entering an out-patient program.  Now make and eat some cake.  Diets are for sissy's. 

This one is going to be long. *Warning. Suicide talk*

I know I have been gone for most of the week.  Busy busy.  Time to catch up

My daughter started her picky eater therapy this week.  So that meant twice the running around.  That plus the other 2 therapies she is in makes for a lot of driving.  I haven't had much time to think this week,much less be sad.  I am also getting things ready for Addie's Birthday Party on Saturday.  Getting the house ready is annoying.  Not that my house is very messy.  It just doesn't stay clean long with two kids running around.

Yesterday was an interesting and mildly stressful.  One of my friends called me and told me she having dangerous thoughts.  She is having a hard time right now and she doesn't see a light at the end of the tunnel.  She wanted to end it.  She has no kids, no significant other and is not in contact with her family.  She though she has no one.  No one would care.  She has been in therapy but she doesn't click well with the therapist.  I was able to convince her to call the suicide hotline.  I was then able to get in contact with a mutual friend to go check on her, she lives in a different state then I do.  I heard last night that she got into see her therapist and she has volunteered to go into a 72 hold at a local hospital.  

This brought back many bad memories.  Last November we had a suicide close to home.  Literally.  Ozzie's cousin, our next door neighbor, committed suicide last Halloween.  He was an amazing man that I would have never thought had these thoughts.  It was/is quite a blow to the family.  So yesterday I just had to shake my fist at the sky and say, "Damn you, Dave,"  I still call the house on the corner, "Dave and Trav's house". 

Suicide is a delicate subject.  Thoughts of suicide hide in plain sight.  If you have known anyone who has committed suicide you know that you will always think about what you could have done different.  No matter how long ago it was.  You will have a happy memory of the person and will think, "What else could I have done?"  In most cases, nothing.  In very few something could have been done.  There is training available to help become aware of ways to assist someone who is thinking of suicide.  I actually received my training at a my local Head Start Program.  It is called the  QPR Institute.  I will make sure the link is on the links section of the blog.

QPR stands for Question, Persuade, and Refer.  It trains a person how to recognize the warning signs of suicide, what to say to offer hope, and how to get help.  This was useful yesterday.  I didn't receive this training until this last April.

I believe I am doing okay with my medication.  I think I do have a slight issue with anxiety.  I shy way from anything that may result in a conflict or hurt feelings.  I am a coward when it comes to possibly making someone I think of as a friend angry.  I don't want to disappoint people and that seems to be all I am doing.  Or that is all I think I am doing.  Everything comes down to perspective.  

I am also very frustrated at my Brother in Law and a few of my husbands "friends".  They do not appreciate Ozzie at all.  He drops what he is doing to help them and they still complain.  But when he asks for help they are no where to be found.  What makes it worse it that they then complain to others that we won't/don't help them.  Calling Ozzie a bad brother, or other various swear words.  Against my advice the friends are lent money or we do something for them at a cheap price with the understanding that we do need that money paid back.  When it comes time to pay or we start to ask for the money (A YEAR LATER) we are given excuses and guilt for asking for it.  I am done with them.

Heck,  Ozzie's grandfather was in the hospital this week.  No updates, No letting us know where he is.  He was sent to a nursing home and we knew nothing about it.  Now don't get me wrong.  I don't like this side of the family but Ozzie does.  He loves his grandfather and he is often left out of the loop when it comes to family.  Just because I can't stand these people doesn't mean he should be punished for it.  If we are then guilt tripped about not seeing him or anything, it would not be the first time.  But that is how that family works.  

Sorry.  I got angry there.  I love my husband and I hate seeing him hurt by people who claim to love him or claim to be his friend.  He deserves so much more.

In car news, Ozzie got the Jag running.  It has had a long winter in the basement and will soon, hopefully, be on the road.  

Tomorrow is my demons b-day party.  I have to make cupcakes and stuff today.  I found a Pink Velvet cake mix.  She will love it.

I want to become braver.  I want to be able to be upfront and blunt like I used to be.  I am scared of losing friends.  I don't know what I am doing.  I have friends in different states.  I love those guys.  I know I can call them up at anytime and it would be like I never left.  I have so few friends that are local and I feel like they are pulling away.  

Going to church is hard.  I want to go.  I have some issues that I want to talk about but I don't know who to talk about them with.  I don't want to talk things to death.  But that is how I process.  I talk about things over and over until something clicks in my head.  I don't want to burden people with my issues and ramblings.  Golly, I can't wait to start therapy.  I know now more than ever that I need it to get through this depression.  Life is hard but it shouldn't be this hard.  I know I make a lot of the issues and road blocks myself.  I feel like I need my friends and church family now and they are drifting away.  I feel like I am dragging Ozzie down into the abyss with me.  

Gotta get up.  Gotta get things done.  There is time to mope after Saturday.

  Have a great weekend.

Let us begin again

Sunday!  The beginning of the week.  The dreaded last day before Monday.  It is a good day to reflect on the last week.

A lot of crap has happened in the world this last week.  I don't think I need to go over all of the bad that has happened but I can at least acknowledge that it happened.   If you truly want to know what I mean just turn your tv or internet on.  I am of the mind that all lives matter and I couldn't care less if what color, religion, political party, or sexual orientation people lay claim to.  Don't try to push your beliefs on me and mine an we will be good.

Last week for me was a trip into and our of my fog.  I call it my fog because while it is the depression and anxiety that create the fog, I feed, however inadvertently, feed the depression and anxiety.  I have another month and a half until I start therapy.  This past month and a half has taught me how much I need it.  That taking a pill is not enough.  I always knew that I needed to couple therapy with medication.  The idea has been driven home as I continue on this path.

I would have never said I had anxiety before.  Before I was willing to admit that I was depressed I would have just said that I was occasionally overwhelmed and occasionally sad.  Never anxious.  I can see now that I have indeed been dealing with anxiety for a while.  I feel like a jawbreaker.  Slowly being stripped of the layers of my mental difficulties.  What other issues will I find as we continue to work toward my center?

Like a jawbreaker, these layers, that are built one over the other, are hard.  I wouldn't call them strong because strength has a type of nobility because it is earned through experience.  Be that working on your muscles at a gym or working your mind at a library.  Strength is not something that can be handed down to our children just because we have it.  But hardness.  Hardness can be easily manufactured.  A hard had can be handed from one worker to the other.  Diamonds no longer need the long and tedious time in the dark confines of the earth to become diamonds.  They can be made in a lab and sold for tooling or jewelry.  I digress.

The layers to the "real" Anne are many.  They are not all pretty and easily excused as some may think,  I will cry about the stupid I caused.  I will fret over the possibility of losing friends as I look toward a healthy me.  I will worry over the harm or grief I am causing my friends and family by being very public with my healing process.  I still feel like some of the people I had thought would be supportive have backed away without even a goodbye or an explanation.  I would even be okay if they were to tell me that they just can't handle me being being so forthcoming about it.  I would understand.  I would hurt but I would understand.

I am getting excited about the nearing of school.  I am looking forward to having that time for me.  Yes the house will still need to be cleaned, dinner cooked, and laundry done.  But I will also be able to make doctor appointments and other obligations during the day and not have to worry about making sure that it is okay to bring a child with me.  I can do adult things!

My mom was a stay at home mom and as I look back on my childhood, I truly appreciate her being at home when my siblings and I were getting ready for and returning from school.  Usually with a wide arrange of snacks available.  I look forward to doing that with my kids.  I have even tossed around the idea of finding a local part time job.  But then the mix of finding work that is seasonal, okay with the possibility of the school calling for a sick child, calling into work for a sick , and scheduling conflicts with doctor appointments and school in general would make it kinda pointless.  But it is nice to have that option.  It is nice to be excited about something that is just for me.  I can be a little selfish during this time.  Well, as long as I keep up my responsibilities with the house and home.  It is nice to have something to look forward to.

My little demon turns 4 this Wednesday.  It is hard to believe.  We are having a BBQ for her this coming Saturday.  My cousin whom I have not seen in an age is coming.  That is exciting.  He is a good man.  There have been a few, 3, obligatory invites that I am not looking forward too.  But I plan to just avoid them.  Friends are coming.  There will be burgers, cake and bubbly (soda).  There will be a slip and slide and sun.  I will have to keep my puppy in the kennel but it is better than having him steal the food.

This is the start of a busy week.  And hopefully the start of a better one.

Sleepy

I know I said I would update on Fridays. Sorry. I am drained today. Not really a bad drained. Just drained from adulting.  Why do we ever want grow up? I wish I could sleep in, wake up excited for Saturday morning cartoons.  But no. I have to be an adult. Silly youth. Anyway, this post will probably be random.

I don't know why but I really to try making puff pastry. Like really time croissants. Or churros.  I think it would be fun. But those type of are best had when it is cold. But when it is hot and humid.  Stupid summer.

Insomnia is getting better. Very vivid drama, though.

I promise I am not drunk or anything. Just random and sleepy. It was a good week. Got to hang out with a friend my daughter got into a neat program that I week go into further later.  She turns 4 next week too.

I am going asleep at my kindle. I promise to have a proper post tomorrow.

Night.

Depression SUCKS

Depression sucks.  Plain and simple.  I have yet to meet a person who is happy they are depressed. (See what I did there?)  Depression never solved anything.  It is not the clogged milk duct on a mothers breast that made her get checked which lead to an early diagnosis of breast cancer.  It is not anything good.  It is a heartless, uncaring, blob of gunk that is both acid and tar.  It burns while it sticks to everything.  It spreads to every part of your life.  I have a great family.  I have great friends.  But Depression is dressed as the little red devil and stands on my shoulder.  Whispering vile poison into my ears.  "Nobody cares."  "You are a burden."  "The clown from IT is hiding under your bed and will eat your toes if they hang off."  Okay, maybe not that last one.  Depression in it's bright red spandex and devil horns also gives off untrue but real feeling emotions.  Worthlessness.  Emptiness.  These feeling and more lead to compliance with/to Depression.  My own person Stockholm Syndrome.  First it is fear that holds me back.   Fear of being judged, left out, abandoned or worse.  Depression feeds on the fear and it only gets stronger.  Next is the acceptance.  "There is nothing I can do about it.  I might as well just deal with it."  What is the point of trying to get better if nothing (lies) will work?  Then I figure I might as well make the best of it.  Own it.  "Love" it.  I hide it from everyone.  Act like everything is okay.  But feed my little monster, Depression, fear and self pity every night.

It wasn't until I saw that while I was slowly destroying myself, I was also slowly hurting my family that I was ready to get help.  But it is not instantaneous.  Depression knows i am trying to get rid of it and it digs its little claws in.  Cutting and scratching for a foothold.  Desperate to stay it brings up old hurts.  Past feelings and current situations.  It is a sneaky little (radio edit).  Suddenly, everyone has left me.  No one has time for me.  All because I came out with my depression.  (Lies).  No one wants to be around someone that isn't healthy.  (Lies).  Why would someone want my burdens when they have plenty of their own?  No one cares that much about me.  (Lies).  I see people backing away and I am the one going in reverse.

Forgive me my friends for my whiny, over critical reactions these last few weeks.  I haven't been well.  

Happy 4th!

My parents got here Thursday and left this morning.  I had a wonderful time spending time with my Mumyeta and Da.  I enjoyed watching them spend time with my kids.  We did a little sight seeing and shopping.  I took my mom to my favorite bath and body store.  But mostly we all just enjoyed each others company.  My parents brought two of their three dogs.  That made the house exciting.  My two dogs had a lot of fun.  I was able to watch fireworks with a friend and her family.

I am having a hard time writing anything today.  I am kinda sad.  Not only on the strings of my parents leaving back to Wyoming but from just the rush of returning to my normal day to day life.  I still feel disassociated from my church.  I know I shouldn't expect anything.  But something, probably my depression, makes me feel like there should be some, any contact.  "How are you?"  "Missed you at church?"  Like I said.  It is silly and I shouldn't expect it but I do want to be cared about.

My mom has depression.  I have seen her fight with it as long as I can remember.  I love my mom.  But her battle with depression is far from over.  She has her own story that I am not at liberty to share.  She is an example of what I do not want to become.  She didn't have the resources that are available today.  She wasn't able to attack it the way I am able attempt now.  My mom is a good mom.  No body is perfect.

I want to be happy.  I want to feel like I do contribute to more than just my family.  I want to be healthy.  Why does being healthy have to be so hard?  I love my church.  I love the gospel.  I love my kids.  I am so completely in love and adore my husband.  WHY????? can't I completely love and adore myself?

What did I do?

I will not be updating tomorrow and possibly Monday, but I will catch up Tuesday.  My parents are driving in from Wyoming for the holiday weekend.  I haven't seen them in over a year and they haven't been here in almost 4.  I am looking forward to my time with them and them being able to spend time with my parents.

Otherwise, it seems to me that people I thought were my friends have been pulling away.  I am not in a super sad mood today.  Although the thought of it does make me sad.  I don't know what I did to make people I thought were my friends back off.  I honestly have no idea.  Ozzie doesn't understand either.  I wish someone would tell me so I can try to fix it.  I try to be supportive and understanding that people have their own lives and plans.  But when I try to make plans with people I get nothing.  I try to make future plans with people and I get nothing.  I feel like a teenager again.  I ask to make plans or try to talk and I get an I'm busy.  Then like a kid looking through a window I see how they have great fun with other people.  I am glad they have other friends and can go out and have fun.  But I would like to be included.  Especially when I am trying so hard to be a good friend.

Making friends as an adult is harder than dating.  I try really hard not to be the clingy friend and not to push.  I do.  But I guess it isn't good enough.  I have often said that I do not fit in here.  Wisconsonites and I think completely different.  I am just destined to not have any friends near me.  I have great friends that live in Wyoming, New Mexico, Arizona, Virginia.  I miss them all so much.  I think it is hard for me to make friends here because, A) I don't drink.  Much of the social scene seems to be at bars.  B)  I live in the middle of nowhere.  No one wants to drive this far out.  C)  I am blunt.  D)  I have different ideas about politics and school.  I am a libertarian.  I don't know what else is wrong with me.

People have been backing away for a while.  Since I made it public that I am depressed and wasn't pretending to be happy.  Since I started this blog.  Actually before that.  If people didn't want me around just tell me so I can be hurt and get over it then move on.

I do sound like a whiny teenager.

I have my loving husband, Ozzie.  I have my two wonderful kids.  I have what I need,  My house has stayed cleaner longer.  I am working on being the best mom, wife and me I can be.  As great as it would be to have local friends to hang out with, I can survive without them.  I thought I had good friends here.

So.... My parents will be spending the 4th with my and mine.  It should be interesting.  I hope that my Da will take Griff fishing.  He has been wanting to go for so long.  Fireworks, BBQ, Fish fry and lots of food is also on the menu.  Maybe a trip to Stillwater.  Ozzie was lucky enough to have off the entire time they will be here.

I heard back from my N.P.  We are going to continue with my current meds for another month.  If I have any manic sadness or anxiety then I am supposed to call her.  It is supposed to take a full 6-8 weeks to have your body completely used to the medication.  So, hopefully, last Wednesday will not be repeating itself.  But NO MORE CAFFEINE!

We talked about different medication. Zoloft was an option.  But Zoloft has a higher chance of weight gain and loss of libido.  I am Finally starting to slowly lose weight.  There have been no ill side effects to my libido.  Both of these things are very important to me.  Other than that instance of anxiety I have nothing bad to say about my medication.  Insomnia I can live with.    Zoloft also seems to be harder to wean off of when the time comes.  Not something to look forward to.

Sorry for sounding like a brat today.  But this is how I feel.  I feel selfish expecting people to be friends with me during a hard time in my life.  but just because I am going through something doesn't mean I can't be supportive to anyone else.

Have a great weekend and a happy holiday!

'Merica!

Monday Monday

Monday Monday

The Mamas and The Papas knew what they were singing about.  Mondays are hard.

It was a full weekend of cleaning and getting rid of some things.  And Vomit.  Let us not forget vomit.  One of my kids was sick yesterday morning.  Nothing wakes you up in the morning quicker than hearing your child make those lovely (eewww) gagging noises.  Not wanting to share what she might have had, still no idea, we stayed home from church.  I found myself missing it though.

I used to enjoy going to church.  But lately, the kids have been clingy or tired or hungry, bottomless pits and I have been having a hard time getting anything out of church other than frustration.  I know this stage with pass but it doesn't help with the right now.

It was also a weekend for hard thoughts.  After much thought I have decided that I cannot start to home school Griff this year.  I will only have been on antidepressants for 3 months and I will have just barely started therapy.  I don't think it would be fair to him to expect me to teach him while I am still learning to be myself again.  I think if I were to try to home school while I am still this anxious, sad, and depressed mess I would be doing more harm than good.  I want the kids to love learning and I don't think I can help culture that if I am still struggling.  So I am giving myself a year at least get a good way down the path to a better mental health.

Do I think or expect myself to be "cured" or not depressed in a year?  No.  That would be unrealistic and put unhealthy pressure on myself.  I want to do what is needed to ensure that I am giving myself time to heal.  In another year I hope to have learned different ways to handle my low days and not let it have such a controlling impact on my day to day life.  You cannot rush healing.  No matter how hard we may want to .  I don't know how long it may take for me to find myself again.

I am still waiting for a response from my N.P. about my reaction last week.

Last night I was up until about 3 AM.  At around 1:30 I decided to do something since I was awake anyway.  I got on my stationary bike and did about 9 miles in 30 minutes,  I think I over did it as my knees are killing me today.  Not to mention I am completely tired.

The sleepiness is a bit of a vicious circle.  I had was sleepy yesterday and had a caffeinated soda yesterday afternoon.  I thought  the caffeine would have run itself out of my system before bed.  Nope.  Did I mention that I am highly sensitive to caffeine?  I gave up caffeinated and carbonated drinks over a year ago but every once in a while, when there are no other options when we go out, I have a soda.  So this morning after getting only about 4 hours of sleep, I decided to have an energy drink.

Big mistake.  Taking into account my sensitivity to caffeine and mix it with the reaction it has with my medication,  I am not in a good place today.  Caffeine and bupropion do not mix well.  At least for me they do not.  After some googling, I came across a nifty website that gives information about how different substances interact with different medications.  I guess caffeine can make the side effects of my medication worse.  Pounding heart.  Check.  Irritability.  Check.  Trouble sleeping.  Double and triple check.  Now I have a great reason to get back on the no caffeine track.

Moral of the story is to always check and double check to make sure how mixing different drugs, yes caffeine is a drug, can have on you.  Best of luck.

What a week

"What a world! What a world!"

It has been a tough week.  I am finally feeling like myself.  Wednesday's mini break down slipped into Thursday and I just felt paranoid, anxious, and felt like I was worthless.  There was no fun to be had by all.  There was a saying in my house and I am sure was said in many houses.  "If momma ain't happy, nobody is happy."  That was the truth this week.  With me not being able control my emotions the stress that has been building up in our family kinda exploded.  Ozzie was having a bad day, the kids were just upset and they didn't know why.  It is interesting (scary interesting) to see how much Ozzie and I influence each other.  But I shouldn't be surprised, I mean, we have been together for over 9 years.

I am sane today.  I feel good again today.  I don't know if the manic emotions were a side effect from the meds or not.  I hope not.  I have an email in with my N.P. so she can back to me on that.

So today I have been trying to replay the last 2 days so I can try to figure out what may have set it off.  I can't say for sure but I think it has something to do with me feeling like I disappointed someone I considered a good friends.  One of the many things I want to work through in therapy is how I seem to have picked up the urge/need to be a people please-er.   I never used to have trouble with telling people to sod off.  I have always been quite blunt.  My sister says I was born without the subtly gene.  I guess it is just another piece of myself I have lost.

Luckily, Ozzie and I have some amazing friends.  One of which was able to come and talk with us yesterday.  He was able to calm our hearts and make us smile.  Like I wrote earlier, things seemed to pile up and kinda exploded.  He gave us some friendly and welcomed advice and helped us to feel that we are not alone in our struggles.  He was very understanding and I have been able to feel much better about some of the things we are dealing with.

Not only do I have great friends who have given me wonderful support with my blog and my life, but I have amazing family as well.  My family has been very understanding and supportive.  I sometimes wish we lived less than 18 hours away.  Yesterday would have been a good day to curl up in the comfort of my sisters, mother and sister-in-law.

There are may things I do not post about on this blog.  Somethings are too personal and private to share on a public blog.  But they have a heavy impact on my mental wellness.

In the future, be kind to people.  Even if you have heard things about them that you may be shocked to hear.  If it is not directly against you and yours, try to not treat them as a leper.  You and I do not know and may not be able to comprehend what things caused them to do what ever it is you have heard.  Everybody has a past.  Everybody makes mistakes.  We are not judges.

Quit

Sometimes I just want to quit.  Crawl into a dark hole, cover the entrance with a giant bolder and slowly fade into nothing.  Today is one of those sometimes.  A day that was going well and something happened that just caused me to shut down and scrutinize everything around me.  Not only that but I also rethink everything I have ever said or done.  Was I wrong?  Do I treat people badly?  I am worthless.  I am too much of a burden for anyone to care about.  I have no real friends.  There is no point to try to make friends when all I am is a disappointment and a burden.  These are only some of the thoughts that have gone through my mind just this afternoon.

This is not a happy, see the bright side, try to make a positive and informative twist on the day.  I feel like a dark cesspool of wasted time and effort.  Why waste even more time to try to change?  I don't fit in.  I have tried.  I thought I had some friends.  Maybe I do but in my despair I can't see.  I am jealous over silly things because I feel that I am unwanted, overlooked, not invited, or just plain avoided.  People are backing away from me, keeping their distance.  Is it because I started this blog?  I don't talk about depression much anywhere other than here.  People don't want to be around a broken person.

I thought I was doing well.  Keep my head up and get through it.  I guess I am not.

I am about to delete my social media and just try to fade into the background.  Not many would notice.  I am not thinking of self harm or suicide.  Just a fade from the society I am a part of.  But I love my little society.  I don't want to leave it but I feel like I am not wanted there anymore.  The thought of not hanging out with certain people, not going to church makes me cry.  But would it hurt less to leave than to stay and feel that I am an after thought and akin to a leper?  I don't know.

I know I am tired of feeling this way.  I know people don't need to and shouldn't go out of their way to make me feel included just because I am depressed.  But that doesn't mean they should back away and act like I am not here.

Maybe they should act like I am not there.  Then they won't notice that I am not at church and no longer trying to contact them.  Better they lead their own lives without me being a drag and I will find a new place to hide.  Again I am not thinking of any self harm.  I just think maybe it would be best if I backed off, I guess.  I don't want to be anywhere I am not wanted.

On this day

Facebook has a nifty feature called, "On this Day."  You use it to see what was posted on this day in previous years.  I must confess, I get a kick out of seeing how I have changed or grown over the passing years.  Sometimes I see me make a vague complaint and I can't even remember what it was about.  Often enough I see how I have lost contact with people who use to be standard in my life.  Previous boyfriends that, somehow, we were able to remain friends, childhood buddies that slipped into the passage of time.  And lastly, a glimpse at a person I used to be.

Last night I had a very hard time with my insomnia.  That coupled with my kids waking up in the wee hours of the night, caused me to be awake until around 3:30 AM.  I woke this morning at 8:30 AM.  A mere 5 hours of sleep.  Not exactly sufficient to properly function today.  Luckily, the children are forgiving of my groggy-ness.  With the lovely weather they have been happy to play among themselves and not ask too much of me.  Anyway, I had many thoughts about what I could write.  Profound, meaningful thoughts that were yelling for me to share them with the world.  When I woke this,  THEY WERE ALL GONE!  Lost to the realm of dreams and strange ideas.

I did get a little time to myself on Friday.  I went to get my hair cut.  It was crazy hot this weekend so we stayed inside with the air on.  Staying inside didn't lead to the crazed cleaning spree I had hoped for.  I did crazy things to my hair again.  This wouldn't be the first time.  I enjoy changing my hair to different hues.  Not natural hues mind you.  Blues, pinks, purples, and most any  combination of the rainbow.  I have previously dyes my hair half blue and purple, all pink, blue with pink and purple highlights, and bleach blonde.  This weekend I decided to mix and use the remnants of my colors.  I had just enough to mix together a purple and a blue.

So I bleached my hair.  I don't use boxed bleach and purchase professional bleach and developer for my crazy hair ideas.  One of the best tricks I have learned to keep my hair from getting fried is to slather coconut oil over it before chemically lifting hair.  I usually let it sit about an hour before I lift the hair.  This keeps my hair from drying out.  I also love, love, LOVE my hair color.  I use semi-permanent hair color so I can change it often.  Arctic Fox is great.  Just visit their website and you will see.  I also learned that you get what you pay for in shampoo and conditioner.  With all the crazy stuff I have done to my hair I need good hair crack to keep it from breaking off.  I found Loma.  I love it.  Just a note.  I do not get paid to post links.  I just get asked about my crazy hair.  I will post pictures later.

Anyway, I can't wait for therapy.  I have known  I am a champion grudge holder (Olympic Gold Medalist) for some time.  I thought nothing of it until recently.  Not only have I been terrible at holding grudges.  I have become extra sensitive.  Things I would not have given a second thought to is now a deep would.  "Are people avoiding me since finding out I am depressed?"  "Is this person not comfortable with me because they learned some 'interesting' things I did in the past?"  This and much more has galloped through my mind in the last few weeks.  I don't want to be a burden or a charity case.  I know I am not but the little whispers of depression tell otherwise.

I know the reason people seem, to me anyway, to be pulling away.  I am actually the one pulling away.  I stop texting or calling as much as used to.  I don't try to set up times to get together.  If they have something else already set, which is common as other people have lives too,  I feel that they are avoiding me and don't actually want me around.  STUPID!  I am doing this to myself!  I don't want to be a burden.  I don't push.  I will not beg people to hang out with me.  But I am just letting people go and slowly, quietly backing away into my own dark hole.  Dark holes are all well and good sometimes.  Sometimes you need to recuperate after making a change.  Change is hard.  But dark holes are filled with other dark things.  Dark thoughts, things filled nothing of merit or hope, and things fester in the dark and only grow worse.   Depression is a dark hole.  It is a hole that only gets deeper without help.

I want to not feel guilty about not getting anything out of church.  I want to get something out of church!  I used to love going to church.  Me not getting anything out of church has nothing to do with my testimony or the gospel.  It is entirely due to me not feeling with I am worth it or deserve it.  The kids don't help with being clingy, like I do not have any personal space and there is always, ALWAYS someone touching me. It is claustrophobic.  I miss the joy and emotional and spiritual lift I received from going to church and being with my church family.

I need to fight for myself, my family and my friends.  It is difficult to fight for something when you are fighting against yourself.