Sometimes I just want to quit. Crawl into a dark hole, cover the entrance with a giant bolder and slowly fade into nothing. Today is one of those sometimes. A day that was going well and something happened that just caused me to shut down and scrutinize everything around me. Not only that but I also rethink everything I have ever said or done. Was I wrong? Do I treat people badly? I am worthless. I am too much of a burden for anyone to care about. I have no real friends. There is no point to try to make friends when all I am is a disappointment and a burden. These are only some of the thoughts that have gone through my mind just this afternoon.
This is not a happy, see the bright side, try to make a positive and informative twist on the day. I feel like a dark cesspool of wasted time and effort. Why waste even more time to try to change? I don't fit in. I have tried. I thought I had some friends. Maybe I do but in my despair I can't see. I am jealous over silly things because I feel that I am unwanted, overlooked, not invited, or just plain avoided. People are backing away from me, keeping their distance. Is it because I started this blog? I don't talk about depression much anywhere other than here. People don't want to be around a broken person.
I thought I was doing well. Keep my head up and get through it. I guess I am not.
I am about to delete my social media and just try to fade into the background. Not many would notice. I am not thinking of self harm or suicide. Just a fade from the society I am a part of. But I love my little society. I don't want to leave it but I feel like I am not wanted there anymore. The thought of not hanging out with certain people, not going to church makes me cry. But would it hurt less to leave than to stay and feel that I am an after thought and akin to a leper? I don't know.
I know I am tired of feeling this way. I know people don't need to and shouldn't go out of their way to make me feel included just because I am depressed. But that doesn't mean they should back away and act like I am not here.
Maybe they should act like I am not there. Then they won't notice that I am not at church and no longer trying to contact them. Better they lead their own lives without me being a drag and I will find a new place to hide. Again I am not thinking of any self harm. I just think maybe it would be best if I backed off, I guess. I don't want to be anywhere I am not wanted.
Oh Anne, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have been there too. The problem is that for all that hole is so deep, dark, terrifying and a place you KNOW you don't want to go, it is so danged inviting too.
ReplyDeleteYou are wanted. I only talk to you through Facebook it seems, and I would miss you.
You are not alone.
You are worth everything. Going to church, having friends, feeling loved, and being loved.
And it may not help right now, but if the people who you thought were friends aren't standing by you now, when you need them most, they weren't real friends. You deserve friends who will be by your side to help you heal and coax you out of the pit when you have been hiding too long. Sometimes we all need to hide for a bit.
Hang in there. Call me anytime ok? Even if I don't answer leave a message or something! I WILL CALL YOU BACK!