On this day

Facebook has a nifty feature called, "On this Day."  You use it to see what was posted on this day in previous years.  I must confess, I get a kick out of seeing how I have changed or grown over the passing years.  Sometimes I see me make a vague complaint and I can't even remember what it was about.  Often enough I see how I have lost contact with people who use to be standard in my life.  Previous boyfriends that, somehow, we were able to remain friends, childhood buddies that slipped into the passage of time.  And lastly, a glimpse at a person I used to be.

Last night I had a very hard time with my insomnia.  That coupled with my kids waking up in the wee hours of the night, caused me to be awake until around 3:30 AM.  I woke this morning at 8:30 AM.  A mere 5 hours of sleep.  Not exactly sufficient to properly function today.  Luckily, the children are forgiving of my groggy-ness.  With the lovely weather they have been happy to play among themselves and not ask too much of me.  Anyway, I had many thoughts about what I could write.  Profound, meaningful thoughts that were yelling for me to share them with the world.  When I woke this,  THEY WERE ALL GONE!  Lost to the realm of dreams and strange ideas.

I did get a little time to myself on Friday.  I went to get my hair cut.  It was crazy hot this weekend so we stayed inside with the air on.  Staying inside didn't lead to the crazed cleaning spree I had hoped for.  I did crazy things to my hair again.  This wouldn't be the first time.  I enjoy changing my hair to different hues.  Not natural hues mind you.  Blues, pinks, purples, and most any  combination of the rainbow.  I have previously dyes my hair half blue and purple, all pink, blue with pink and purple highlights, and bleach blonde.  This weekend I decided to mix and use the remnants of my colors.  I had just enough to mix together a purple and a blue.

So I bleached my hair.  I don't use boxed bleach and purchase professional bleach and developer for my crazy hair ideas.  One of the best tricks I have learned to keep my hair from getting fried is to slather coconut oil over it before chemically lifting hair.  I usually let it sit about an hour before I lift the hair.  This keeps my hair from drying out.  I also love, love, LOVE my hair color.  I use semi-permanent hair color so I can change it often.  Arctic Fox is great.  Just visit their website and you will see.  I also learned that you get what you pay for in shampoo and conditioner.  With all the crazy stuff I have done to my hair I need good hair crack to keep it from breaking off.  I found Loma.  I love it.  Just a note.  I do not get paid to post links.  I just get asked about my crazy hair.  I will post pictures later.

Anyway, I can't wait for therapy.  I have known  I am a champion grudge holder (Olympic Gold Medalist) for some time.  I thought nothing of it until recently.  Not only have I been terrible at holding grudges.  I have become extra sensitive.  Things I would not have given a second thought to is now a deep would.  "Are people avoiding me since finding out I am depressed?"  "Is this person not comfortable with me because they learned some 'interesting' things I did in the past?"  This and much more has galloped through my mind in the last few weeks.  I don't want to be a burden or a charity case.  I know I am not but the little whispers of depression tell otherwise.

I know the reason people seem, to me anyway, to be pulling away.  I am actually the one pulling away.  I stop texting or calling as much as used to.  I don't try to set up times to get together.  If they have something else already set, which is common as other people have lives too,  I feel that they are avoiding me and don't actually want me around.  STUPID!  I am doing this to myself!  I don't want to be a burden.  I don't push.  I will not beg people to hang out with me.  But I am just letting people go and slowly, quietly backing away into my own dark hole.  Dark holes are all well and good sometimes.  Sometimes you need to recuperate after making a change.  Change is hard.  But dark holes are filled with other dark things.  Dark thoughts, things filled nothing of merit or hope, and things fester in the dark and only grow worse.   Depression is a dark hole.  It is a hole that only gets deeper without help.

I want to not feel guilty about not getting anything out of church.  I want to get something out of church!  I used to love going to church.  Me not getting anything out of church has nothing to do with my testimony or the gospel.  It is entirely due to me not feeling with I am worth it or deserve it.  The kids don't help with being clingy, like I do not have any personal space and there is always, ALWAYS someone touching me. It is claustrophobic.  I miss the joy and emotional and spiritual lift I received from going to church and being with my church family.

I need to fight for myself, my family and my friends.  It is difficult to fight for something when you are fighting against yourself.