Not all that shines

I am looking forward to my promised ME time tomorrow.  I can hear myself getting shorter with the kids.  Although, it may not happen as bills have popped up and we will be tight this week.   Hopefully I can at least make it to a park or something by myself.  What I really want to do is to go, by myself, and get some sushi.  It was supposed to be my Mothers Day present but bills had to be paid.  Or I would like to go see a movie alone.  Being that Mother's Day was a month ago and bills didn't stop my husband from going and doing what he wanted, the race, I think I should have n issues taking time for myself.

I can type/say that all I want but I will go and enjoy myself then feel guilty about taking money that could be used toward bills.  I always do that.  I will want something just for me, feel guilty about wanting it and then not get it.  Later, I will be sad about not getting it.  I always put me last.  I will go out shopping just for me and come home with stuff for Ozzie and the kids.  I do that with everything.  I forgo things I want or even things I need so that Ozzie and the kids can have things.  Car Parts, toys, clothes, or just about anything.  It doesn't even boil down to necessities.  We have what we need.  

Ozzie has often said I have changed a lot.  He wants me to get back to my old self.  I used to be assertive and confident.  Now I get anxious about confrontation.  I fear that people will tell me I am crazy or that they will try to turn Ozzie against me.  This has happened before. Someone once tried to tell Ozzie that I was abusive and he would do well to leave me and take the kids.  Ozzie. of course, told them to go pound the sand but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt me.  I had loved this person and because I was doing what I thought was best for my child,(keeping him away from second hand smoke, yelling, and didn't trust a person with an active addiction to pain killers watch him) they decided that I wasn't following the status quo and I should be dealt with.  I received so much mental and emotional abuse from this person and their family.  I was a door mat much of the time for the sake of "FAMILY" and I watched little pieces of myself die every day.  I hope to go over this in therapy as I am still having a hard time letting go of the anger and something close to hate.  I have a hard time disappointing people because of this.  Then I get even lower disappointing myself.  But I put myself last in my life and that isn't right.

Having been on the med for two weeks it is like coming out of a fog.  I can't remember when I entered the fog so it is shocking when I started to come out of it.  I saw myself at the heaviest I have ever been.  I am ashamed I let myself go that much.  I see how much I lost of what made me what I am.  I hadn't taken time to write in months if not years.  I used to fancy myself a good writer.  My house was a mess.  I have cleaned it up really well in the last few weeks.  I still don't have a space in my house that is just mine, that can't be taken over by the kids or my husband.  Ozzie has a tendency to spread his car parts and tools everywhere.

Anyway, Ozzie wants me to get back to my old self.  I don't know if I can and I feel like that person is lost.  One of the symptoms of depression I had a really hard time with was being tires all the time.  I realized I was tired from pretending to be happy, pretending that everything was fine.  I would smile fore everyone while feeling dead inside.  The meds have helped with that.  I don't feel sad anymore.  But I can't exactly say that I am happy.  I am hoping it is just me getting used to the meds and not how the meds are going to make me feel.  I am going to give it the whole six weeks before I think about changing medication.  I am in contact with my N.P. and she knows whats going on.  I don't want to be an emotionless drone..  I have too many things to enjoy to allow that to happen.

If you are on medication for depression, please stay in contact with your Dr.  Little things can turn large fast and if the medication isn't feeling right you need to let them know.  They are not mind readers.  There are so many options for medication that it is likely, though not guarantied, that one can have better effects.