I will not be updating tomorrow and possibly Monday, but I will catch up Tuesday. My parents are driving in from Wyoming for the holiday weekend. I haven't seen them in over a year and they haven't been here in almost 4. I am looking forward to my time with them and them being able to spend time with my parents.
Otherwise, it seems to me that people I thought were my friends have been pulling away. I am not in a super sad mood today. Although the thought of it does make me sad. I don't know what I did to make people I thought were my friends back off. I honestly have no idea. Ozzie doesn't understand either. I wish someone would tell me so I can try to fix it. I try to be supportive and understanding that people have their own lives and plans. But when I try to make plans with people I get nothing. I try to make future plans with people and I get nothing. I feel like a teenager again. I ask to make plans or try to talk and I get an I'm busy. Then like a kid looking through a window I see how they have great fun with other people. I am glad they have other friends and can go out and have fun. But I would like to be included. Especially when I am trying so hard to be a good friend.
Making friends as an adult is harder than dating. I try really hard not to be the clingy friend and not to push. I do. But I guess it isn't good enough. I have often said that I do not fit in here. Wisconsonites and I think completely different. I am just destined to not have any friends near me. I have great friends that live in Wyoming, New Mexico, Arizona, Virginia. I miss them all so much. I think it is hard for me to make friends here because, A) I don't drink. Much of the social scene seems to be at bars. B) I live in the middle of nowhere. No one wants to drive this far out. C) I am blunt. D) I have different ideas about politics and school. I am a libertarian. I don't know what else is wrong with me.
People have been backing away for a while. Since I made it public that I am depressed and wasn't pretending to be happy. Since I started this blog. Actually before that. If people didn't want me around just tell me so I can be hurt and get over it then move on.
I do sound like a whiny teenager.
I have my loving husband, Ozzie. I have my two wonderful kids. I have what I need, My house has stayed cleaner longer. I am working on being the best mom, wife and me I can be. As great as it would be to have local friends to hang out with, I can survive without them. I thought I had good friends here.
So.... My parents will be spending the 4th with my and mine. It should be interesting. I hope that my Da will take Griff fishing. He has been wanting to go for so long. Fireworks, BBQ, Fish fry and lots of food is also on the menu. Maybe a trip to Stillwater. Ozzie was lucky enough to have off the entire time they will be here.
I heard back from my N.P. We are going to continue with my current meds for another month. If I have any manic sadness or anxiety then I am supposed to call her. It is supposed to take a full 6-8 weeks to have your body completely used to the medication. So, hopefully, last Wednesday will not be repeating itself. But NO MORE CAFFEINE!
We talked about different medication. Zoloft was an option. But Zoloft has a higher chance of weight gain and loss of libido. I am Finally starting to slowly lose weight. There have been no ill side effects to my libido. Both of these things are very important to me. Other than that instance of anxiety I have nothing bad to say about my medication. Insomnia I can live with. Zoloft also seems to be harder to wean off of when the time comes. Not something to look forward to.
Sorry for sounding like a brat today. But this is how I feel. I feel selfish expecting people to be friends with me during a hard time in my life. but just because I am going through something doesn't mean I can't be supportive to anyone else.
Have a great weekend and a happy holiday!
'Merica!
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