A lot of crap has happened in the world this last week. I don't think I need to go over all of the bad that has happened but I can at least acknowledge that it happened. If you truly want to know what I mean just turn your tv or internet on. I am of the mind that all lives matter and I couldn't care less if what color, religion, political party, or sexual orientation people lay claim to. Don't try to push your beliefs on me and mine an we will be good.
Last week for me was a trip into and our of my fog. I call it my fog because while it is the depression and anxiety that create the fog, I feed, however inadvertently, feed the depression and anxiety. I have another month and a half until I start therapy. This past month and a half has taught me how much I need it. That taking a pill is not enough. I always knew that I needed to couple therapy with medication. The idea has been driven home as I continue on this path.
I would have never said I had anxiety before. Before I was willing to admit that I was depressed I would have just said that I was occasionally overwhelmed and occasionally sad. Never anxious. I can see now that I have indeed been dealing with anxiety for a while. I feel like a jawbreaker. Slowly being stripped of the layers of my mental difficulties. What other issues will I find as we continue to work toward my center?
Like a jawbreaker, these layers, that are built one over the other, are hard. I wouldn't call them strong because strength has a type of nobility because it is earned through experience. Be that working on your muscles at a gym or working your mind at a library. Strength is not something that can be handed down to our children just because we have it. But hardness. Hardness can be easily manufactured. A hard had can be handed from one worker to the other. Diamonds no longer need the long and tedious time in the dark confines of the earth to become diamonds. They can be made in a lab and sold for tooling or jewelry. I digress.
The layers to the "real" Anne are many. They are not all pretty and easily excused as some may think, I will cry about the stupid I caused. I will fret over the possibility of losing friends as I look toward a healthy me. I will worry over the harm or grief I am causing my friends and family by being very public with my healing process. I still feel like some of the people I had thought would be supportive have backed away without even a goodbye or an explanation. I would even be okay if they were to tell me that they just can't handle me being being so forthcoming about it. I would understand. I would hurt but I would understand.
I am getting excited about the nearing of school. I am looking forward to having that time for me. Yes the house will still need to be cleaned, dinner cooked, and laundry done. But I will also be able to make doctor appointments and other obligations during the day and not have to worry about making sure that it is okay to bring a child with me. I can do adult things!
My mom was a stay at home mom and as I look back on my childhood, I truly appreciate her being at home when my siblings and I were getting ready for and returning from school. Usually with a wide arrange of snacks available. I look forward to doing that with my kids. I have even tossed around the idea of finding a local part time job. But then the mix of finding work that is seasonal, okay with the possibility of the school calling for a sick child, calling into work for a sick , and scheduling conflicts with doctor appointments and school in general would make it kinda pointless. But it is nice to have that option. It is nice to be excited about something that is just for me. I can be a little selfish during this time. Well, as long as I keep up my responsibilities with the house and home. It is nice to have something to look forward to.
My little demon turns 4 this Wednesday. It is hard to believe. We are having a BBQ for her this coming Saturday. My cousin whom I have not seen in an age is coming. That is exciting. He is a good man. There have been a few, 3, obligatory invites that I am not looking forward too. But I plan to just avoid them. Friends are coming. There will be burgers, cake and bubbly (soda). There will be a slip and slide and sun. I will have to keep my puppy in the kennel but it is better than having him steal the food.
This is the start of a busy week. And hopefully the start of a better one.
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