Depression SUCKS

Depression sucks.  Plain and simple.  I have yet to meet a person who is happy they are depressed. (See what I did there?)  Depression never solved anything.  It is not the clogged milk duct on a mothers breast that made her get checked which lead to an early diagnosis of breast cancer.  It is not anything good.  It is a heartless, uncaring, blob of gunk that is both acid and tar.  It burns while it sticks to everything.  It spreads to every part of your life.  I have a great family.  I have great friends.  But Depression is dressed as the little red devil and stands on my shoulder.  Whispering vile poison into my ears.  "Nobody cares."  "You are a burden."  "The clown from IT is hiding under your bed and will eat your toes if they hang off."  Okay, maybe not that last one.  Depression in it's bright red spandex and devil horns also gives off untrue but real feeling emotions.  Worthlessness.  Emptiness.  These feeling and more lead to compliance with/to Depression.  My own person Stockholm Syndrome.  First it is fear that holds me back.   Fear of being judged, left out, abandoned or worse.  Depression feeds on the fear and it only gets stronger.  Next is the acceptance.  "There is nothing I can do about it.  I might as well just deal with it."  What is the point of trying to get better if nothing (lies) will work?  Then I figure I might as well make the best of it.  Own it.  "Love" it.  I hide it from everyone.  Act like everything is okay.  But feed my little monster, Depression, fear and self pity every night.

It wasn't until I saw that while I was slowly destroying myself, I was also slowly hurting my family that I was ready to get help.  But it is not instantaneous.  Depression knows i am trying to get rid of it and it digs its little claws in.  Cutting and scratching for a foothold.  Desperate to stay it brings up old hurts.  Past feelings and current situations.  It is a sneaky little (radio edit).  Suddenly, everyone has left me.  No one has time for me.  All because I came out with my depression.  (Lies).  No one wants to be around someone that isn't healthy.  (Lies).  Why would someone want my burdens when they have plenty of their own?  No one cares that much about me.  (Lies).  I see people backing away and I am the one going in reverse.

Forgive me my friends for my whiny, over critical reactions these last few weeks.  I haven't been well.