What did I do?

I will not be updating tomorrow and possibly Monday, but I will catch up Tuesday.  My parents are driving in from Wyoming for the holiday weekend.  I haven't seen them in over a year and they haven't been here in almost 4.  I am looking forward to my time with them and them being able to spend time with my parents.

Otherwise, it seems to me that people I thought were my friends have been pulling away.  I am not in a super sad mood today.  Although the thought of it does make me sad.  I don't know what I did to make people I thought were my friends back off.  I honestly have no idea.  Ozzie doesn't understand either.  I wish someone would tell me so I can try to fix it.  I try to be supportive and understanding that people have their own lives and plans.  But when I try to make plans with people I get nothing.  I try to make future plans with people and I get nothing.  I feel like a teenager again.  I ask to make plans or try to talk and I get an I'm busy.  Then like a kid looking through a window I see how they have great fun with other people.  I am glad they have other friends and can go out and have fun.  But I would like to be included.  Especially when I am trying so hard to be a good friend.

Making friends as an adult is harder than dating.  I try really hard not to be the clingy friend and not to push.  I do.  But I guess it isn't good enough.  I have often said that I do not fit in here.  Wisconsonites and I think completely different.  I am just destined to not have any friends near me.  I have great friends that live in Wyoming, New Mexico, Arizona, Virginia.  I miss them all so much.  I think it is hard for me to make friends here because, A) I don't drink.  Much of the social scene seems to be at bars.  B)  I live in the middle of nowhere.  No one wants to drive this far out.  C)  I am blunt.  D)  I have different ideas about politics and school.  I am a libertarian.  I don't know what else is wrong with me.

People have been backing away for a while.  Since I made it public that I am depressed and wasn't pretending to be happy.  Since I started this blog.  Actually before that.  If people didn't want me around just tell me so I can be hurt and get over it then move on.

I do sound like a whiny teenager.

I have my loving husband, Ozzie.  I have my two wonderful kids.  I have what I need,  My house has stayed cleaner longer.  I am working on being the best mom, wife and me I can be.  As great as it would be to have local friends to hang out with, I can survive without them.  I thought I had good friends here.

So.... My parents will be spending the 4th with my and mine.  It should be interesting.  I hope that my Da will take Griff fishing.  He has been wanting to go for so long.  Fireworks, BBQ, Fish fry and lots of food is also on the menu.  Maybe a trip to Stillwater.  Ozzie was lucky enough to have off the entire time they will be here.

I heard back from my N.P.  We are going to continue with my current meds for another month.  If I have any manic sadness or anxiety then I am supposed to call her.  It is supposed to take a full 6-8 weeks to have your body completely used to the medication.  So, hopefully, last Wednesday will not be repeating itself.  But NO MORE CAFFEINE!

We talked about different medication. Zoloft was an option.  But Zoloft has a higher chance of weight gain and loss of libido.  I am Finally starting to slowly lose weight.  There have been no ill side effects to my libido.  Both of these things are very important to me.  Other than that instance of anxiety I have nothing bad to say about my medication.  Insomnia I can live with.    Zoloft also seems to be harder to wean off of when the time comes.  Not something to look forward to.

Sorry for sounding like a brat today.  But this is how I feel.  I feel selfish expecting people to be friends with me during a hard time in my life.  but just because I am going through something doesn't mean I can't be supportive to anyone else.

Have a great weekend and a happy holiday!

'Merica!

Monday Monday

Monday Monday

The Mamas and The Papas knew what they were singing about.  Mondays are hard.

It was a full weekend of cleaning and getting rid of some things.  And Vomit.  Let us not forget vomit.  One of my kids was sick yesterday morning.  Nothing wakes you up in the morning quicker than hearing your child make those lovely (eewww) gagging noises.  Not wanting to share what she might have had, still no idea, we stayed home from church.  I found myself missing it though.

I used to enjoy going to church.  But lately, the kids have been clingy or tired or hungry, bottomless pits and I have been having a hard time getting anything out of church other than frustration.  I know this stage with pass but it doesn't help with the right now.

It was also a weekend for hard thoughts.  After much thought I have decided that I cannot start to home school Griff this year.  I will only have been on antidepressants for 3 months and I will have just barely started therapy.  I don't think it would be fair to him to expect me to teach him while I am still learning to be myself again.  I think if I were to try to home school while I am still this anxious, sad, and depressed mess I would be doing more harm than good.  I want the kids to love learning and I don't think I can help culture that if I am still struggling.  So I am giving myself a year at least get a good way down the path to a better mental health.

Do I think or expect myself to be "cured" or not depressed in a year?  No.  That would be unrealistic and put unhealthy pressure on myself.  I want to do what is needed to ensure that I am giving myself time to heal.  In another year I hope to have learned different ways to handle my low days and not let it have such a controlling impact on my day to day life.  You cannot rush healing.  No matter how hard we may want to .  I don't know how long it may take for me to find myself again.

I am still waiting for a response from my N.P. about my reaction last week.

Last night I was up until about 3 AM.  At around 1:30 I decided to do something since I was awake anyway.  I got on my stationary bike and did about 9 miles in 30 minutes,  I think I over did it as my knees are killing me today.  Not to mention I am completely tired.

The sleepiness is a bit of a vicious circle.  I had was sleepy yesterday and had a caffeinated soda yesterday afternoon.  I thought  the caffeine would have run itself out of my system before bed.  Nope.  Did I mention that I am highly sensitive to caffeine?  I gave up caffeinated and carbonated drinks over a year ago but every once in a while, when there are no other options when we go out, I have a soda.  So this morning after getting only about 4 hours of sleep, I decided to have an energy drink.

Big mistake.  Taking into account my sensitivity to caffeine and mix it with the reaction it has with my medication,  I am not in a good place today.  Caffeine and bupropion do not mix well.  At least for me they do not.  After some googling, I came across a nifty website that gives information about how different substances interact with different medications.  I guess caffeine can make the side effects of my medication worse.  Pounding heart.  Check.  Irritability.  Check.  Trouble sleeping.  Double and triple check.  Now I have a great reason to get back on the no caffeine track.

Moral of the story is to always check and double check to make sure how mixing different drugs, yes caffeine is a drug, can have on you.  Best of luck.

What a week

"What a world! What a world!"

It has been a tough week.  I am finally feeling like myself.  Wednesday's mini break down slipped into Thursday and I just felt paranoid, anxious, and felt like I was worthless.  There was no fun to be had by all.  There was a saying in my house and I am sure was said in many houses.  "If momma ain't happy, nobody is happy."  That was the truth this week.  With me not being able control my emotions the stress that has been building up in our family kinda exploded.  Ozzie was having a bad day, the kids were just upset and they didn't know why.  It is interesting (scary interesting) to see how much Ozzie and I influence each other.  But I shouldn't be surprised, I mean, we have been together for over 9 years.

I am sane today.  I feel good again today.  I don't know if the manic emotions were a side effect from the meds or not.  I hope not.  I have an email in with my N.P. so she can back to me on that.

So today I have been trying to replay the last 2 days so I can try to figure out what may have set it off.  I can't say for sure but I think it has something to do with me feeling like I disappointed someone I considered a good friends.  One of the many things I want to work through in therapy is how I seem to have picked up the urge/need to be a people please-er.   I never used to have trouble with telling people to sod off.  I have always been quite blunt.  My sister says I was born without the subtly gene.  I guess it is just another piece of myself I have lost.

Luckily, Ozzie and I have some amazing friends.  One of which was able to come and talk with us yesterday.  He was able to calm our hearts and make us smile.  Like I wrote earlier, things seemed to pile up and kinda exploded.  He gave us some friendly and welcomed advice and helped us to feel that we are not alone in our struggles.  He was very understanding and I have been able to feel much better about some of the things we are dealing with.

Not only do I have great friends who have given me wonderful support with my blog and my life, but I have amazing family as well.  My family has been very understanding and supportive.  I sometimes wish we lived less than 18 hours away.  Yesterday would have been a good day to curl up in the comfort of my sisters, mother and sister-in-law.

There are may things I do not post about on this blog.  Somethings are too personal and private to share on a public blog.  But they have a heavy impact on my mental wellness.

In the future, be kind to people.  Even if you have heard things about them that you may be shocked to hear.  If it is not directly against you and yours, try to not treat them as a leper.  You and I do not know and may not be able to comprehend what things caused them to do what ever it is you have heard.  Everybody has a past.  Everybody makes mistakes.  We are not judges.

Quit

Sometimes I just want to quit.  Crawl into a dark hole, cover the entrance with a giant bolder and slowly fade into nothing.  Today is one of those sometimes.  A day that was going well and something happened that just caused me to shut down and scrutinize everything around me.  Not only that but I also rethink everything I have ever said or done.  Was I wrong?  Do I treat people badly?  I am worthless.  I am too much of a burden for anyone to care about.  I have no real friends.  There is no point to try to make friends when all I am is a disappointment and a burden.  These are only some of the thoughts that have gone through my mind just this afternoon.

This is not a happy, see the bright side, try to make a positive and informative twist on the day.  I feel like a dark cesspool of wasted time and effort.  Why waste even more time to try to change?  I don't fit in.  I have tried.  I thought I had some friends.  Maybe I do but in my despair I can't see.  I am jealous over silly things because I feel that I am unwanted, overlooked, not invited, or just plain avoided.  People are backing away from me, keeping their distance.  Is it because I started this blog?  I don't talk about depression much anywhere other than here.  People don't want to be around a broken person.

I thought I was doing well.  Keep my head up and get through it.  I guess I am not.

I am about to delete my social media and just try to fade into the background.  Not many would notice.  I am not thinking of self harm or suicide.  Just a fade from the society I am a part of.  But I love my little society.  I don't want to leave it but I feel like I am not wanted there anymore.  The thought of not hanging out with certain people, not going to church makes me cry.  But would it hurt less to leave than to stay and feel that I am an after thought and akin to a leper?  I don't know.

I know I am tired of feeling this way.  I know people don't need to and shouldn't go out of their way to make me feel included just because I am depressed.  But that doesn't mean they should back away and act like I am not here.

Maybe they should act like I am not there.  Then they won't notice that I am not at church and no longer trying to contact them.  Better they lead their own lives without me being a drag and I will find a new place to hide.  Again I am not thinking of any self harm.  I just think maybe it would be best if I backed off, I guess.  I don't want to be anywhere I am not wanted.

On this day

Facebook has a nifty feature called, "On this Day."  You use it to see what was posted on this day in previous years.  I must confess, I get a kick out of seeing how I have changed or grown over the passing years.  Sometimes I see me make a vague complaint and I can't even remember what it was about.  Often enough I see how I have lost contact with people who use to be standard in my life.  Previous boyfriends that, somehow, we were able to remain friends, childhood buddies that slipped into the passage of time.  And lastly, a glimpse at a person I used to be.

Last night I had a very hard time with my insomnia.  That coupled with my kids waking up in the wee hours of the night, caused me to be awake until around 3:30 AM.  I woke this morning at 8:30 AM.  A mere 5 hours of sleep.  Not exactly sufficient to properly function today.  Luckily, the children are forgiving of my groggy-ness.  With the lovely weather they have been happy to play among themselves and not ask too much of me.  Anyway, I had many thoughts about what I could write.  Profound, meaningful thoughts that were yelling for me to share them with the world.  When I woke this,  THEY WERE ALL GONE!  Lost to the realm of dreams and strange ideas.

I did get a little time to myself on Friday.  I went to get my hair cut.  It was crazy hot this weekend so we stayed inside with the air on.  Staying inside didn't lead to the crazed cleaning spree I had hoped for.  I did crazy things to my hair again.  This wouldn't be the first time.  I enjoy changing my hair to different hues.  Not natural hues mind you.  Blues, pinks, purples, and most any  combination of the rainbow.  I have previously dyes my hair half blue and purple, all pink, blue with pink and purple highlights, and bleach blonde.  This weekend I decided to mix and use the remnants of my colors.  I had just enough to mix together a purple and a blue.

So I bleached my hair.  I don't use boxed bleach and purchase professional bleach and developer for my crazy hair ideas.  One of the best tricks I have learned to keep my hair from getting fried is to slather coconut oil over it before chemically lifting hair.  I usually let it sit about an hour before I lift the hair.  This keeps my hair from drying out.  I also love, love, LOVE my hair color.  I use semi-permanent hair color so I can change it often.  Arctic Fox is great.  Just visit their website and you will see.  I also learned that you get what you pay for in shampoo and conditioner.  With all the crazy stuff I have done to my hair I need good hair crack to keep it from breaking off.  I found Loma.  I love it.  Just a note.  I do not get paid to post links.  I just get asked about my crazy hair.  I will post pictures later.

Anyway, I can't wait for therapy.  I have known  I am a champion grudge holder (Olympic Gold Medalist) for some time.  I thought nothing of it until recently.  Not only have I been terrible at holding grudges.  I have become extra sensitive.  Things I would not have given a second thought to is now a deep would.  "Are people avoiding me since finding out I am depressed?"  "Is this person not comfortable with me because they learned some 'interesting' things I did in the past?"  This and much more has galloped through my mind in the last few weeks.  I don't want to be a burden or a charity case.  I know I am not but the little whispers of depression tell otherwise.

I know the reason people seem, to me anyway, to be pulling away.  I am actually the one pulling away.  I stop texting or calling as much as used to.  I don't try to set up times to get together.  If they have something else already set, which is common as other people have lives too,  I feel that they are avoiding me and don't actually want me around.  STUPID!  I am doing this to myself!  I don't want to be a burden.  I don't push.  I will not beg people to hang out with me.  But I am just letting people go and slowly, quietly backing away into my own dark hole.  Dark holes are all well and good sometimes.  Sometimes you need to recuperate after making a change.  Change is hard.  But dark holes are filled with other dark things.  Dark thoughts, things filled nothing of merit or hope, and things fester in the dark and only grow worse.   Depression is a dark hole.  It is a hole that only gets deeper without help.

I want to not feel guilty about not getting anything out of church.  I want to get something out of church!  I used to love going to church.  Me not getting anything out of church has nothing to do with my testimony or the gospel.  It is entirely due to me not feeling with I am worth it or deserve it.  The kids don't help with being clingy, like I do not have any personal space and there is always, ALWAYS someone touching me. It is claustrophobic.  I miss the joy and emotional and spiritual lift I received from going to church and being with my church family.

I need to fight for myself, my family and my friends.  It is difficult to fight for something when you are fighting against yourself.

Not all that shines

I am looking forward to my promised ME time tomorrow.  I can hear myself getting shorter with the kids.  Although, it may not happen as bills have popped up and we will be tight this week.   Hopefully I can at least make it to a park or something by myself.  What I really want to do is to go, by myself, and get some sushi.  It was supposed to be my Mothers Day present but bills had to be paid.  Or I would like to go see a movie alone.  Being that Mother's Day was a month ago and bills didn't stop my husband from going and doing what he wanted, the race, I think I should have n issues taking time for myself.

I can type/say that all I want but I will go and enjoy myself then feel guilty about taking money that could be used toward bills.  I always do that.  I will want something just for me, feel guilty about wanting it and then not get it.  Later, I will be sad about not getting it.  I always put me last.  I will go out shopping just for me and come home with stuff for Ozzie and the kids.  I do that with everything.  I forgo things I want or even things I need so that Ozzie and the kids can have things.  Car Parts, toys, clothes, or just about anything.  It doesn't even boil down to necessities.  We have what we need.  

Ozzie has often said I have changed a lot.  He wants me to get back to my old self.  I used to be assertive and confident.  Now I get anxious about confrontation.  I fear that people will tell me I am crazy or that they will try to turn Ozzie against me.  This has happened before. Someone once tried to tell Ozzie that I was abusive and he would do well to leave me and take the kids.  Ozzie. of course, told them to go pound the sand but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt me.  I had loved this person and because I was doing what I thought was best for my child,(keeping him away from second hand smoke, yelling, and didn't trust a person with an active addiction to pain killers watch him) they decided that I wasn't following the status quo and I should be dealt with.  I received so much mental and emotional abuse from this person and their family.  I was a door mat much of the time for the sake of "FAMILY" and I watched little pieces of myself die every day.  I hope to go over this in therapy as I am still having a hard time letting go of the anger and something close to hate.  I have a hard time disappointing people because of this.  Then I get even lower disappointing myself.  But I put myself last in my life and that isn't right.

Having been on the med for two weeks it is like coming out of a fog.  I can't remember when I entered the fog so it is shocking when I started to come out of it.  I saw myself at the heaviest I have ever been.  I am ashamed I let myself go that much.  I see how much I lost of what made me what I am.  I hadn't taken time to write in months if not years.  I used to fancy myself a good writer.  My house was a mess.  I have cleaned it up really well in the last few weeks.  I still don't have a space in my house that is just mine, that can't be taken over by the kids or my husband.  Ozzie has a tendency to spread his car parts and tools everywhere.

Anyway, Ozzie wants me to get back to my old self.  I don't know if I can and I feel like that person is lost.  One of the symptoms of depression I had a really hard time with was being tires all the time.  I realized I was tired from pretending to be happy, pretending that everything was fine.  I would smile fore everyone while feeling dead inside.  The meds have helped with that.  I don't feel sad anymore.  But I can't exactly say that I am happy.  I am hoping it is just me getting used to the meds and not how the meds are going to make me feel.  I am going to give it the whole six weeks before I think about changing medication.  I am in contact with my N.P. and she knows whats going on.  I don't want to be an emotionless drone..  I have too many things to enjoy to allow that to happen.

If you are on medication for depression, please stay in contact with your Dr.  Little things can turn large fast and if the medication isn't feeling right you need to let them know.  They are not mind readers.  There are so many options for medication that it is likely, though not guarantied, that one can have better effects.  

Side effects include...

Insomnia.  Defined as the inability to sleep.  For me it is the inability to get to sleep.  Once I am there, I am good.  But if this is the extent of the side effects I experience while on medication, I think I can handle it.  They say it takes 6-8 weeks to get a full understanding of how anti-depression medication effects a person.  I mentioned in my last post, I think, how when choosing an anti-depressant you choose what side effects you are willing to deal with.

My N.P. suggested Melatonin to combat the sleeplessness.  Sadly, my local store does not carry any.  One of the many joys of living in a small town of 1400.  I will have to go to my nearest "big town" to find it.

I had so many ideas about what I could write while I was lying in my bed last night.  Now they are gone.  All except one.  Medication alone definitely does not solve all.  You need to make sure you take time for you.

I am a stay at home mom.  So I am around my children 24/7.  Don't me wrong.  I love my family.  I just miss having my own time to do what I want once in a while.  Even in writing this post I have stopped numerous times to tend to a child or to have my child have a conversation with me.  Normally, like today, that would not be anything more than a slight delay in what I am doing.  But somedays It feels like my children are the most selfish creatures in the world.  I could be in tears trying to get things accomplished and my children will still be crying about an imagined hurt or demanding a drink.  I, in my sane mind, know that they are just children.  Not really selfish or mean, just reacting to the world around them.  But that doesn't help me during my low times.

Yesterday was a low day.  Even with the medication.  I tried to attend a full service of church.  I am LDS and typically we have 3 hours of church.  I was going at it without my husband.  He had an auto cross event that he had been planning to attend for the past few weeks.  So I am taking my speech delayed, almost 4 year old and my mouthy 5 year old to church alone.  On a good day, it would have been no problem.  But yesterday was not a good day.  My son would not stop sighing and complaining about how "this is taking a long time."  His sister wouldn't stop trying to claim the entire pew for herself and complaining with a shrill scream when he dared to try to sit down.  This happened all while they complained they were hungry.  It was all just too much for me.  I ended up not being able to stand the commotion and left after only 45 minutes of church.  My dear friend did what she could to help me while wrangling her own children.  The granola bars were much appreciated.

While in the car, after an amazing break of the crying and complaining, we go to my husbands event.  The kids loved watching the cars and I met a new friend face to face.  During that time, with the kids preoccupied and a welcomed adult conversation, it was pleasantly calm.  The cars races, the kids squealed, and it was a good time had by all.  But it was not to last.

One the way home we stopped to get some much needed noms.  The kids got chicken nuggets and I decided I deserved some dunkin donuts.  I should have skipped the donuts.  Little did I know that they would be the cause of so much yelling.  My daughter started to scream.  Heaven forbid her brother have any of the nuggets.  It was pandelerium.  Let us just say that the drive home was almost too much for me.  I ended the day with a migraine that, blissfully, Ozzie let me hide in the darkness of my room and he took care of the kids when he got home.

The long and short of this post is to find and take time for yourself.  I already claimed some "me" time this Saturday as well as turning over bedtime to Ozzie.  And today I went and spent some time with my dear friend.  Her kids kept my kids occupied to where I was able to have adult interaction that was sorely needed.

Don't get me wrong.  I love spending time with my husband.  I want to spend more time with him as he is very busy.  But sometimes I just want to be Anne.  Not wifey.  Spending time with my friend allowed that and I am ever grateful for her.

I also found some neat white noise videos for meditation.  I hope to try them out soon and I will post how I think they worked and maybe post links.

So it begins

I am a mom.  I am not just a mom.  I am a wife.  I am not just a wife.  I am Anne.

I am a stay at home mother of 2.  Griff and Addie.  I am the stay at home wife to Ozzie.  They are my everything.  For the longest while they have been exactly that.  Everything.  Anne became lost in making sure everyone else was happy.  I often thought to myself that I should be happy because I have a happy husband and children.  What reason had I to be sad or (gulp) depressed?  In the beginning it was so easy to push my wants, needs, and desires aside.  It was what was best for the family as a whole that mattered most.  Little things like going someplace I wanted for dinner, keeping plans that I had made, or something of the like.  These little things became more and more common.

It came to the point where I started to think, "Why bother?"  Why bother making plans?  I would just have to cancel.  Why bother cleaning the house?  The family would just destroy it again.  Why bother to find hobbies?  I had no private space in my house where the kids couldn't make a mess of it or my husband wouldn't stuff with his tools.  I had nothing because my everything had taken over.  There was no Anne.

I started to become agitated easier to where the simplest thing would make me angry.  My children, running around with random squeals of joy and playfulness would send me into my anger.  They are just kids doing what kids do.  Laundry would sit, clean but piled into a mound in my room for weeks with no hope of being put away.  Dishes would sit for almost a week until we ran out of clean things to either cook or eat with.  If my husband mentioned that he thought I should try something, like cleaning more, I would be angry and sad that he wanted me to change.  I felt like I was giving everything I had and they, my family, were still trying to squeeze out more.  About once to twice a month, I would not want to even get out of bed to take care of my kids.  I taught my son how to get cereal by himself, make a peanut butter sandwich by himself, and turn the TV on himself.  All so I could wallow in bed, dreading anytime they needed me to be a mother.  That is not a way to live.  My children and husband deserve better.

It wasn't everyday that I was in the depths of despair.  I had good days in between.  On those days I felt silly for thinking I was depressed or for thinking about calling a doctor.  But even on those days I was still not Anne

Ozzie tried to make sure I had time to myself.  He tried to make sure I had things I could enjoy doing.  But it is not his job to make me happy.  Only I can make me happy.  And it began to wear on him.  He started to drown trying to save me.  Everyone was giving of themselves to try to make me whole.  I finally had the guts to tell Ozzie, "Something is wrong."  It hurt so much to say those three words.  Finally admitting to myself that I wasn't well.  That was a big jump to admit I was failing and I was dragging my family with me. Ozzie's response, "Yes, there is.  What do we need to do?"

"What do we need to do?"  It is one thing to admit that something was wrong.  It is another thing to actually do anything about it.  It was finally on a day that I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed I decided that I couldn't do this anymore.  Ozzie and I are hoping to home school our children this next fall.  I can't do that if I am not healthy, or at least trying to get healthy.  I would only damage my children.  Forcing them to stay home with a depressed mother, that would do more harm than good.  It was a Wednesday.  I was still in bed at 1 PM.  The kids had survived on cereal and Blues Clues.  I finally had enough.  I called my local clinic and asked to make an appointment to see someone, anyone, to get help with my depression.

By the appointment on Friday I was feeling better and felt silly for having made the appointment.  But I went.  I was honest to the N.P. that I had an appointment with.  I told her about my long days in bed.  About how I felt about being asked to change.  How my anger is flaring at the simplest things.  I cried.  I cried that I wasn't able to handle this myself.  I cried because I couldn't just let all the other drama in my life roll off my back.  Issues with in-laws compounded with stress of parenting, compressed into one imperfect, cracked being finally came out.

My N.P. listened.  She asked what I would be comfortable trying.  Suggesting both counseling and medication.  I mentioned how I wanted to try counseling and hold off on medication.  Too many bad stories of people just wanting pills and not actually working on the issues.  She referred me to a counselor.  Before I left, she told me that I am a good mother and deserve to be able to be just a good Anne.  That it was okay.  Thousands upon thousands of people are depressed.  They are getting help and I can too.  I left feeling a little lighter.

I did get an appointment with the counselor.  It is for August 30th.  There was no way I would be able to make it through the summer as I was.  I called my clinic again.  I was able to get in that day.  All two weeks since my last appointment.  I did the same as before. I cried.  Feeling like a failure for still being weak.  There was a stigma that was inflicted on me from past drama.  I was afraid of pills.  Afraid of what would happen if this person found out I needed pills to be normal.  But I also knew I wouldn't be a good mother if I did nothing.

My N.P. and I went through the medications available to me and the side effects of each one.  We talked about the side effects I thought I could deal with and the ones I knew would only make things worse.  It is kinda fun (sad funny) how when picking medication we choose by the side effects.  I choose an antidepressant to use.  I still have my counselor appointment in August, but this will allow me to start making positive changes so I can be in a better state to give therapy my all and truly heal.

I have been on the medication for only one week thus far.  I am starting to notice change.  My temper is slowing, my energy is returning.  Heck, even my house is clean.  I am not yelling at my children over stupid things.  This is only the start.  I still haven't found myself.  I think I have just found a little direction.  I know the old Anne has changed some in the last years since I last saw her.  But I am eager to get to know her again.  Not just as a mother and wife.  But as an individual with her own will and desires.

I am hoping this blog can help others who are struggling.  I have not guaranties.  I can not promise anything for reading this blog.  But they say misery loves company.  Maybe I can help someone else by finding a way out of my own darkness.  This is only the beginning.