That was hard

Yesterday was very hard.  It carried a lot of emotions.  Anger, confusion, and sadness.  Long story short, and keep the anonymity of this person, a friend and I decided that our friendship needed to end.  It all came down to there was something that neither of us would back down from.  I guess you could say that we walked away in a neutral way.  Not in a bad way or in a good way.  I still love my memories with them.  I with this person was honest with me earlier.  So much could have been avoided.  I could tell something was up because they pretty much avoided me.  That hurt more than the truth.  I had asked if I did anything about a month ago and they said things were fine.  But they lied.  That bothers me.  But that is in the past, even if the hurt is in the present.  I am mostly sad because my children lost friends due to no fault of their own.  If this  person ever reads this.  I wish you and your the very best.

So I have a very blunt request.  If I have upset anyone in anyway, PLEASE TELL ME!  Do not let it fester.  If I know you in real life and you have no interest in interacting with me and ALL of my family, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME so I do not wonder about who my ACTUAL friends are.  Friends who accept that we are not perfect.  That I have MANY issues I am working through.  That our past does not dictate our future.  The mistakes will be made and not realized without communication.  I CANNOT FIX OR APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING IF I HAVE NO IDEA I DID ANYTHING.  People I had considered family are not talking to us and not responding to messages or calls.  

I want to take this time to give a shout out to the people who have never let me feel like I am nothing.  I have many great, awesome, amazing friends and family.  They just live in different states.  I have a best friend in AZ.  I know I can call and talk to her about anything.  She is so amazing.  I have a great friend in VA.  She has gone through so much and is just rocking at life.  I have amazing friends and family in WY, NM, and CO.  My lovely sisters, brothers, and sister in law.  I am so lucky.  I have cousins who may be far away but I know care.  They have beautiful families and I love them all.  The friends and family I have that are local have born the brunt of my issues and they still claim me.  They deserve a metal.  I have friends in so many places I should never feel lonely.  Just because they cannot be here, RIGHT NOW, doesn't mean they don't care.

Thank you to everyone who reads this and to my friends and family who support me.  I am growing.  It is messy, it is tiring, and it is worth it.

"TOOT!!!!" "TOOT!!!"

I don't want to toot my own horn but I make one heck of a roast.  It has been slowly cooking since about 9 AM.  It smells so good!  Gotta love roasting cow meat.  Just add gravy, homemade bread, potatoes and carrots and you have dinner.

I had a crazy busy weekend.  A lot of it was working on my husbands Jaguar XJS.  That beast is everything that is good and bad about British cars.  The craftsmanship is elegant but the ludicrous ideas on the placement of things make it hard to work on.

But is is very pretty.

The mail isn't here yet today so I have not gotten my updated prescription yet.  I don't know if it will be coming in today or later this week.  Last night, Ozzie and I had a long conversation.  Much of it was about my improved mental state.  He says I am a completely different person than I was 2-3 months ago.  He says I am not moping and I am getting my personality back.  Slowly.  The house seems happier when I am not sulking in a corner, wishing the darkness would swallow me up.  The kids aren't as nervous.  That is easy when they don't see mommy crying for no reason.  I have been told by a few people that the difference can be seen in my writing.  I will have to go back and read to see if even I can see it.

We also talked about what we wanted to do for our 9 year anniversary in August.  That got us talking about what to do next year for our 10 year.  We want to have a celebration for our friends and family to join in next year.  Kind of a big middle finger to all the ones who said that we wouldn't last this long.  We got a lot of, "You won't make it six months."  "You can't make it a year."  And "You will be divorced by you 10 year anniversary."  So we want to make sure to have a great party to stick it to the naysayers.  Sadly, a lot of these people are extended family members.  People who I found, in the last few years, have never liked me and boarder on hating me.  People who pretended to like me.  So we will have a party.  And enjoy it without them.  For our anniversary this year we are just gonna, hopefully, find a babysitter and enjoy dinner and an evening, just us two.

I am going to take a moment to say, "I love my husband so much!"  He balances me out and treats me so well.  We balance each other out.  I couldn't imagine my life without him.  It is almost scary how much we influence each other.  I wish I could influence him to like veggies more.  He is the best man and a great father.  I love you, Ozzie.

HeAt WaVe

It is blooming hot.  I don't mind the heat if it is just heat.  But this 80-90% humidity is horrid.  To make things worse, I have some blueberries that are begging to be made into muffins but it is far to hot to even think about turning on the oven.  Our one window unit has been running nonstop and I am not looking forward to this next electric bill.  But this heat wave won't last forever.  All too soon it will start getting cool and we will be in my favorite season.  Autumn.  Ah, Autumn.  When the world is colorful and the air is crisp and fresh like an apple.

This week has been, well, neutral.  Monday I was anxious, as proven by what I had written.  I wasn't until I was getting ready for bed that I realized that I had forgotten to take my medication that morning.  It startled me to see how dependent I had already become to my medication.    I guess it also go's to show how much I actually needed them to have a somewhat normal life.  Ozzie and I noticed that if I forget to take my medication right away in the morning, say I remember to take it at lunch , I still get anxious and have a bad day.  While I am not nearly having as many really bad, can't get out of bed, wonder why I bother trouble the world with my issues, days.  I have been having a large number of just bad, why does the world hate me, can't trust anyone around me, days.  My thoughts were/are that I do not have enough medication in my system to correct the chemical imbalance to achieve a consistent flow of good to not so bad days.  I know that bad days happen but they shouldn't happen multiple times a week.

I spoke with my N.P., who by the way is great at making me feel like I am not overreacting and silly.  I told her my concerns as well as informed her about what had been happening with my friend.  Who is doing well by the way.  We both decided that increasing my medication would be a benefit to me.  I still have about 6 weeks until I start therapy, which I am eagerly waiting.  I want to be able to enjoy my enjoy my time with my family.  I don't want to be a wet blanket for them or for my friends.  My anxiety and paranoia on my bad days are trying to slowly destroy any relationships I have outside of my house.  If I let it continue it could potentially destroy my home.

So I will be increasing my medication intake.  Hopefully, this will further balance my moods.  I need to give a big shout out to my insurance.  I am very lucky to have a great supplemental insurance.  It allows me to get to the doctor and get the help I need to not be crazy.  I just found out that as long as I use their prescriptions by mail program, it doesn't cost me anything to get the medications I need,  I am so thankful!  I know there are other programs like this that are available in other areas, so if you need help paying for medications or assistance, please ask your doctor.

I was able to spend some time with a good friend yesterday.  It was nice to have time for adult conversation.  She is also working on getting healthier by eating better and working out.  She sounded so upbeat and optimistic that I couldn't help but be infected with it.  I want to get better at working out and eating better, too!  And her kids are awesome.  

I wish it was cool enough for me to do some baking.  Heck, I wish it was nice enough to go outside without melting.  I am also not feeling my blue hair anymore.  I am thinking black or purple.  Who knows.  Stay cool out there.  

Netflix. The cure for Anxiety. And Chocolate Cake recipe

Good Monday!  It was a lovely weekend.  Addison had a great birthday party and everyone seemed to have a great time!  I am so glad that many of my friends and family were able to make it.  The house is mostly back to normal from it all.  Now I just have to catch up on the day to day care of the house and kids.

I have bad anxiety today.  It is triggered by silly things.  Mostly being online.  So besides binge watching Netflix, posting on this blog will be the most internet I do today.  I won't be checking my Facebook or even my email until this evening.  I am always calmer when Ozzie is home.

It is interesting how anxiety can really cripple you.  Not that my not wanting to go online is crippling, but in other cases it can.  My anxiety manifests as a racing heart beat, sudden heat in my face, hands and chest, and a tightness in my chest and throat.  Mentally, I try to shut down.  My mind is so occupied with thinking of what I did wrong and all the worst case scenarios that I start to panic more.  So I try to shut my mind off so I don't get a full on attack.  Netflix, books, silly games help me to turn my mind off and vanish into a different world.  Worlds where my emotions have no control over the story and I can just blindly follow where the story leads.

I like playing My Little Pony on my kindle.  I enjoy playing Kingdom Hearts and Minecraft.  I love manga and anime.  My favorites are Fruits Basket and Snow White with the Red Hair.  The books I read range from young adult to the classics.  I am currently reading the Undraland Series and rereading Anne Rice's Interview with the Vampire series.  I will mix in some Jane Austin and Harry Potter.  I can't wait to start reading Harry Potter to the kids and Anne of Green Gables to Addison.  Reading worlds that are so far from my normal relaxes me and basically allows me to be relatively mindless.

I also bake to shut my mind off.  For Addison's party I made my death by chocolate cake.  It is a chocolate cake with peanut butter cream cheese frosting and chocolate peanut butter ganache.  It was a big hit.  

Here it is!

2 cups (250 grams) all-purpose flour  ( I used 3 cups to make a denser cake)
2 1/2 cups (500 grams) sugar   (I used 3 cups for a yummy cake)
3/4 cup (about 65 grams) unsweetened cocoa powder, preferably Dutch process (I used 1 cup cocoa)
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup (235 ml) neutral vegetable oil, such as canola, soybean or vegetable blend (I used softened butter.  Butter is the answer to EVERYTHING!)
1 cup (240 grams) sour cream
1 1/2 (355 ml) cups water  (As if I couldn't get the cake rich enough,  I use milk instead)
2 tablespoons distilled white vinegar ( I use Apple Cider vinegar.  I like the taste better)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 large eggs (You can add one more egg if you are feeling adventurous) 

1/2 cup coarsely chopped peanut brittle (I skipped this)

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter the bottoms and sides of three 8-inch round cakepans. Line the bottom of each pan with a round of parchment or waxed paper and butter the paper.

2. Sift the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt into a large bowl. Whisk to combine them well. Add the oil and sour cream and whisk to blend. Gradually beat in the water. Blend in the vinegar and vanilla. Whisk in the eggs and beat until well blended. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and be sure the batter is well mixed. Divide among the 3 prepared cake pans.

3. Bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until a cake tester or wooden toothpick inserted in the center comes out almost clean. Let cool in the pans for about 20 minutes. Invert onto wire racks, carefully peel off the paper liners, and let cool completely. ( These cakes are very, very soft. I found them a lot easier to work with after firming them up in the freezer for 30 minutes. They’ll defrost quickly once assembled. You’ll be glad you did this, trust me.) (These cakes are very likely to fall so no dancing in front of the stove)

4. To frost the cake, place one layer, flat side up, on a cake stand or large serving plate. Spread 2/3 cup cup of the Peanut Butter Frosting evenly over the top. Repeat with the next layer. Place the last layer on top and frost the top and sides of the cake with the remaining frosting. (Deb note 1: Making a crumb coat of frosting–a thin layer that binds the dark crumbs to the cake so they don’t show up in the final outer frosting layer–is a great idea for this cake, or any with a dark cake and lighter-colored frosting. Once you “mask” your cake, let it chill for 15 to 30 minutes until firm, then use the remainder of the frosting to create a smooth final coating. Deb note 2: Once the cake is fully frosted, it helps to chill it again and let it firm up. The cooler and more set the peanut butter frosting is, the better drip effect you’ll get from the Chocolate-Peanut Butter Glaze.)

5. To decorate with the Chocolate–Peanut Butter Glaze, put the cake plate on a large baking sheet to catch any drips. Simply pour the glaze over the top of the cake, and using an offset spatula, spread it evenly over the top just to the edges so that it runs down the sides of the cake in long drips. Refrigerate, uncovered, for at least 30 minutes to allow the glaze and frosting to set completely. Remove about 1 hour before serving. Decorate the top with chopped peanut brittle.

Peanut Butter Frosting
Makes about 5 cups

10 ounces (285 grams) cream cheese, at room temperature (I only had 8 oz and I wasn't going to the store again)
1 stick (115 grams, 4 ounces or 1/2 cup) unsalted butter, at room temperature
5 cups (600 grams) confectioners’ sugar, sifted
2/3 cup (170 grams) smooth peanut butter, preferably a commercial brand (because oil doesn’t separate out)

1. In a large bowl with an electric mixer, beat the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy. Gradually add the confectioners’ sugar 1 cup at a time, mixing thoroughly after each addition and scraping down the sides of the bowl often. Continue to beat on medium speed until light and fluffy, 3 to 4 minutes.

2. Add the peanut butter and beat until thoroughly blended.

Chocolate-Peanut Butter Glaze
Makes about 1 1/2 cups

8 ounces (225 grams) semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped (I used good quality milk chocolate chips.)
3 tablespoons (50 grams) smooth peanut butter
2 tablespoons (40 grams) light corn syrup, honey or golden syrup
1/2 cup (120 ml) half-and-half (But heavy cream makes it so much more decadent.)

1. In the top of a double boiler or in a bowl set over simmering water, combine the chocolate, peanut butter, and corn syrup. Cook, whisking often, until the chocolate is melted and the mixture is smooth.

2. Remove from the heat and whisk in the half-and-half, beating until smooth. Use while still warm.

ENJOY!

Oh and my friend is doing well and will be entering an out-patient program.  Now make and eat some cake.  Diets are for sissy's. 

This one is going to be long. *Warning. Suicide talk*

I know I have been gone for most of the week.  Busy busy.  Time to catch up

My daughter started her picky eater therapy this week.  So that meant twice the running around.  That plus the other 2 therapies she is in makes for a lot of driving.  I haven't had much time to think this week,much less be sad.  I am also getting things ready for Addie's Birthday Party on Saturday.  Getting the house ready is annoying.  Not that my house is very messy.  It just doesn't stay clean long with two kids running around.

Yesterday was an interesting and mildly stressful.  One of my friends called me and told me she having dangerous thoughts.  She is having a hard time right now and she doesn't see a light at the end of the tunnel.  She wanted to end it.  She has no kids, no significant other and is not in contact with her family.  She though she has no one.  No one would care.  She has been in therapy but she doesn't click well with the therapist.  I was able to convince her to call the suicide hotline.  I was then able to get in contact with a mutual friend to go check on her, she lives in a different state then I do.  I heard last night that she got into see her therapist and she has volunteered to go into a 72 hold at a local hospital.  

This brought back many bad memories.  Last November we had a suicide close to home.  Literally.  Ozzie's cousin, our next door neighbor, committed suicide last Halloween.  He was an amazing man that I would have never thought had these thoughts.  It was/is quite a blow to the family.  So yesterday I just had to shake my fist at the sky and say, "Damn you, Dave,"  I still call the house on the corner, "Dave and Trav's house". 

Suicide is a delicate subject.  Thoughts of suicide hide in plain sight.  If you have known anyone who has committed suicide you know that you will always think about what you could have done different.  No matter how long ago it was.  You will have a happy memory of the person and will think, "What else could I have done?"  In most cases, nothing.  In very few something could have been done.  There is training available to help become aware of ways to assist someone who is thinking of suicide.  I actually received my training at a my local Head Start Program.  It is called the  QPR Institute.  I will make sure the link is on the links section of the blog.

QPR stands for Question, Persuade, and Refer.  It trains a person how to recognize the warning signs of suicide, what to say to offer hope, and how to get help.  This was useful yesterday.  I didn't receive this training until this last April.

I believe I am doing okay with my medication.  I think I do have a slight issue with anxiety.  I shy way from anything that may result in a conflict or hurt feelings.  I am a coward when it comes to possibly making someone I think of as a friend angry.  I don't want to disappoint people and that seems to be all I am doing.  Or that is all I think I am doing.  Everything comes down to perspective.  

I am also very frustrated at my Brother in Law and a few of my husbands "friends".  They do not appreciate Ozzie at all.  He drops what he is doing to help them and they still complain.  But when he asks for help they are no where to be found.  What makes it worse it that they then complain to others that we won't/don't help them.  Calling Ozzie a bad brother, or other various swear words.  Against my advice the friends are lent money or we do something for them at a cheap price with the understanding that we do need that money paid back.  When it comes time to pay or we start to ask for the money (A YEAR LATER) we are given excuses and guilt for asking for it.  I am done with them.

Heck,  Ozzie's grandfather was in the hospital this week.  No updates, No letting us know where he is.  He was sent to a nursing home and we knew nothing about it.  Now don't get me wrong.  I don't like this side of the family but Ozzie does.  He loves his grandfather and he is often left out of the loop when it comes to family.  Just because I can't stand these people doesn't mean he should be punished for it.  If we are then guilt tripped about not seeing him or anything, it would not be the first time.  But that is how that family works.  

Sorry.  I got angry there.  I love my husband and I hate seeing him hurt by people who claim to love him or claim to be his friend.  He deserves so much more.

In car news, Ozzie got the Jag running.  It has had a long winter in the basement and will soon, hopefully, be on the road.  

Tomorrow is my demons b-day party.  I have to make cupcakes and stuff today.  I found a Pink Velvet cake mix.  She will love it.

I want to become braver.  I want to be able to be upfront and blunt like I used to be.  I am scared of losing friends.  I don't know what I am doing.  I have friends in different states.  I love those guys.  I know I can call them up at anytime and it would be like I never left.  I have so few friends that are local and I feel like they are pulling away.  

Going to church is hard.  I want to go.  I have some issues that I want to talk about but I don't know who to talk about them with.  I don't want to talk things to death.  But that is how I process.  I talk about things over and over until something clicks in my head.  I don't want to burden people with my issues and ramblings.  Golly, I can't wait to start therapy.  I know now more than ever that I need it to get through this depression.  Life is hard but it shouldn't be this hard.  I know I make a lot of the issues and road blocks myself.  I feel like I need my friends and church family now and they are drifting away.  I feel like I am dragging Ozzie down into the abyss with me.  

Gotta get up.  Gotta get things done.  There is time to mope after Saturday.

  Have a great weekend.

Let us begin again

Sunday!  The beginning of the week.  The dreaded last day before Monday.  It is a good day to reflect on the last week.

A lot of crap has happened in the world this last week.  I don't think I need to go over all of the bad that has happened but I can at least acknowledge that it happened.   If you truly want to know what I mean just turn your tv or internet on.  I am of the mind that all lives matter and I couldn't care less if what color, religion, political party, or sexual orientation people lay claim to.  Don't try to push your beliefs on me and mine an we will be good.

Last week for me was a trip into and our of my fog.  I call it my fog because while it is the depression and anxiety that create the fog, I feed, however inadvertently, feed the depression and anxiety.  I have another month and a half until I start therapy.  This past month and a half has taught me how much I need it.  That taking a pill is not enough.  I always knew that I needed to couple therapy with medication.  The idea has been driven home as I continue on this path.

I would have never said I had anxiety before.  Before I was willing to admit that I was depressed I would have just said that I was occasionally overwhelmed and occasionally sad.  Never anxious.  I can see now that I have indeed been dealing with anxiety for a while.  I feel like a jawbreaker.  Slowly being stripped of the layers of my mental difficulties.  What other issues will I find as we continue to work toward my center?

Like a jawbreaker, these layers, that are built one over the other, are hard.  I wouldn't call them strong because strength has a type of nobility because it is earned through experience.  Be that working on your muscles at a gym or working your mind at a library.  Strength is not something that can be handed down to our children just because we have it.  But hardness.  Hardness can be easily manufactured.  A hard had can be handed from one worker to the other.  Diamonds no longer need the long and tedious time in the dark confines of the earth to become diamonds.  They can be made in a lab and sold for tooling or jewelry.  I digress.

The layers to the "real" Anne are many.  They are not all pretty and easily excused as some may think,  I will cry about the stupid I caused.  I will fret over the possibility of losing friends as I look toward a healthy me.  I will worry over the harm or grief I am causing my friends and family by being very public with my healing process.  I still feel like some of the people I had thought would be supportive have backed away without even a goodbye or an explanation.  I would even be okay if they were to tell me that they just can't handle me being being so forthcoming about it.  I would understand.  I would hurt but I would understand.

I am getting excited about the nearing of school.  I am looking forward to having that time for me.  Yes the house will still need to be cleaned, dinner cooked, and laundry done.  But I will also be able to make doctor appointments and other obligations during the day and not have to worry about making sure that it is okay to bring a child with me.  I can do adult things!

My mom was a stay at home mom and as I look back on my childhood, I truly appreciate her being at home when my siblings and I were getting ready for and returning from school.  Usually with a wide arrange of snacks available.  I look forward to doing that with my kids.  I have even tossed around the idea of finding a local part time job.  But then the mix of finding work that is seasonal, okay with the possibility of the school calling for a sick child, calling into work for a sick , and scheduling conflicts with doctor appointments and school in general would make it kinda pointless.  But it is nice to have that option.  It is nice to be excited about something that is just for me.  I can be a little selfish during this time.  Well, as long as I keep up my responsibilities with the house and home.  It is nice to have something to look forward to.

My little demon turns 4 this Wednesday.  It is hard to believe.  We are having a BBQ for her this coming Saturday.  My cousin whom I have not seen in an age is coming.  That is exciting.  He is a good man.  There have been a few, 3, obligatory invites that I am not looking forward too.  But I plan to just avoid them.  Friends are coming.  There will be burgers, cake and bubbly (soda).  There will be a slip and slide and sun.  I will have to keep my puppy in the kennel but it is better than having him steal the food.

This is the start of a busy week.  And hopefully the start of a better one.

Sleepy

I know I said I would update on Fridays. Sorry. I am drained today. Not really a bad drained. Just drained from adulting.  Why do we ever want grow up? I wish I could sleep in, wake up excited for Saturday morning cartoons.  But no. I have to be an adult. Silly youth. Anyway, this post will probably be random.

I don't know why but I really to try making puff pastry. Like really time croissants. Or churros.  I think it would be fun. But those type of are best had when it is cold. But when it is hot and humid.  Stupid summer.

Insomnia is getting better. Very vivid drama, though.

I promise I am not drunk or anything. Just random and sleepy. It was a good week. Got to hang out with a friend my daughter got into a neat program that I week go into further later.  She turns 4 next week too.

I am going asleep at my kindle. I promise to have a proper post tomorrow.

Night.

Depression SUCKS

Depression sucks.  Plain and simple.  I have yet to meet a person who is happy they are depressed. (See what I did there?)  Depression never solved anything.  It is not the clogged milk duct on a mothers breast that made her get checked which lead to an early diagnosis of breast cancer.  It is not anything good.  It is a heartless, uncaring, blob of gunk that is both acid and tar.  It burns while it sticks to everything.  It spreads to every part of your life.  I have a great family.  I have great friends.  But Depression is dressed as the little red devil and stands on my shoulder.  Whispering vile poison into my ears.  "Nobody cares."  "You are a burden."  "The clown from IT is hiding under your bed and will eat your toes if they hang off."  Okay, maybe not that last one.  Depression in it's bright red spandex and devil horns also gives off untrue but real feeling emotions.  Worthlessness.  Emptiness.  These feeling and more lead to compliance with/to Depression.  My own person Stockholm Syndrome.  First it is fear that holds me back.   Fear of being judged, left out, abandoned or worse.  Depression feeds on the fear and it only gets stronger.  Next is the acceptance.  "There is nothing I can do about it.  I might as well just deal with it."  What is the point of trying to get better if nothing (lies) will work?  Then I figure I might as well make the best of it.  Own it.  "Love" it.  I hide it from everyone.  Act like everything is okay.  But feed my little monster, Depression, fear and self pity every night.

It wasn't until I saw that while I was slowly destroying myself, I was also slowly hurting my family that I was ready to get help.  But it is not instantaneous.  Depression knows i am trying to get rid of it and it digs its little claws in.  Cutting and scratching for a foothold.  Desperate to stay it brings up old hurts.  Past feelings and current situations.  It is a sneaky little (radio edit).  Suddenly, everyone has left me.  No one has time for me.  All because I came out with my depression.  (Lies).  No one wants to be around someone that isn't healthy.  (Lies).  Why would someone want my burdens when they have plenty of their own?  No one cares that much about me.  (Lies).  I see people backing away and I am the one going in reverse.

Forgive me my friends for my whiny, over critical reactions these last few weeks.  I haven't been well.  

Happy 4th!

My parents got here Thursday and left this morning.  I had a wonderful time spending time with my Mumyeta and Da.  I enjoyed watching them spend time with my kids.  We did a little sight seeing and shopping.  I took my mom to my favorite bath and body store.  But mostly we all just enjoyed each others company.  My parents brought two of their three dogs.  That made the house exciting.  My two dogs had a lot of fun.  I was able to watch fireworks with a friend and her family.

I am having a hard time writing anything today.  I am kinda sad.  Not only on the strings of my parents leaving back to Wyoming but from just the rush of returning to my normal day to day life.  I still feel disassociated from my church.  I know I shouldn't expect anything.  But something, probably my depression, makes me feel like there should be some, any contact.  "How are you?"  "Missed you at church?"  Like I said.  It is silly and I shouldn't expect it but I do want to be cared about.

My mom has depression.  I have seen her fight with it as long as I can remember.  I love my mom.  But her battle with depression is far from over.  She has her own story that I am not at liberty to share.  She is an example of what I do not want to become.  She didn't have the resources that are available today.  She wasn't able to attack it the way I am able attempt now.  My mom is a good mom.  No body is perfect.

I want to be happy.  I want to feel like I do contribute to more than just my family.  I want to be healthy.  Why does being healthy have to be so hard?  I love my church.  I love the gospel.  I love my kids.  I am so completely in love and adore my husband.  WHY????? can't I completely love and adore myself?