Common trap

trap¹

trap/

noun

1. 1.

   a device or enclosure designed to catch and retain animals, typically by allowing entry but not exit or by catching hold of a part of the body.

   • 
     
2. 2.

   a situation in which people lie in wait to make a surprise attack.

our business.  I am dragging my family and business down by making everyone else carry me.  

I am crawling out of a trap.  Pulling myself out and up.  It is a common trap.  One I foolishly thought I would never fall into.  Pride.  Stupidity.  Fear.  These three things are but a few of the lures of this trap.  A trap of the mind.  Many if not all mental illnesses have this trap.  The, "I'm doing well.  I don't need help." trap.  

I have depression.  This is not new.  It is easier managed, in my case, with medication.  I have been on medication for almost 2 years.  But, honestly, in the last six months, I have not been as dedicated to taking my meds as much as I need to be.  Missing a day here, two to three days here.  Thinking that I will be okay with the randomness of my consumption.  "I am fine"  "I don't think I need them as much anymore."  Golly, I am stupid.  

Slowly.  Everso slowly, my temper flares.  I talk down to myself more.  It becomes harder to get out of bed.  I  am not doing as much as is needed of me for my family and business.  Intimacy is a burden.  I throw more responsibilities off of myself and onto my husband.  Food is a comfortable poison.  Until one day, it is not a slow decline but a massive drop.  That moment when you look into the mirror and hate yourself for what you have allowed to happen.  Instead of creating an urge to change, you look on with disgust and crawl further into the trap, into the dark.  

It took talking with my husband, going over just how far down I have gone.  All the while telling myself that I was doing better and was fine, the complete opposite was/is true.  I am not doing better and I am not fine.  I am closing myself off again.  I do not engage with my friends the way I previously did.  I am a mountain of excuses.  I have become unable to handle stress because I do not allow myself to cope. I am too lazy and sad to try to find a way to relieve my stress.  Too fearful of looking silly or spending money.  Telling myself over and over that I do not have the time.  Refusing to make time for myself.  Refusing to put an effort in anywhere.  No.  That is not completely true.

I put effort into pretending.  Attempting to fool the world and myself.   A pretty lie rather than an ugly truth.

I don't like talking to friends about when I feel crappy, sad, or anything negative.  I figure they have their own issues and I don't want to burden them with mine.  I don't want to drag other people into the dark with me.

I am not fine.  I am stressed beyond measure.  I am scared that I am failing my children and am not a good enough teacher for them.  I am sad that I am not doing as much as I need to do or can do for my husband and our business.  I am dragging my family and business down by making everyone else carry me.  

I am not fine.  But I am working on it.

Small town USA

My current town has around 1400 people in its boundaries.  My husbands graduating class was about 30 teens.  There is little to no violence.  Most people leave their keys in their vehicles overnight and rarely lock the doors to their homes.  We have gun shows at the high school gym.  People know each other by sight and it is easy to get caught up in conversation at the grocery store or gas station.  This is a nice little town. 

However, like many other little towns across this land, it has its fair share of unpleasantness. Gossip.  Grudges. Past that never dies.  Cliques. Fear of something new.  People are wary of anything different.   Take a purple haired southwestern-er for example.  I am definitely different from the average Wisconsinite. 

I get it. 

I have loud hair and a louder opinion.  I do not hold to the idea that I must bow to my husband or that I must change my outer appearance to fit in with the locals.  I am blunt.  I sugar coat nothing.  Well, I sugar coat cookies but that is entirely different.  I don't pretend to like someone.  If people don't like me, fine.  I am doing better about not losing sleep over something I cannot control. I homeschool my children and will tell anyone who will listen why I think that my local schools suck.  I am not a liberal. I am not a conservative.  I like to think I am in the happy middle.  Taxation is theft by the way.

Being as I am, after 10 years, I am still an outsider.  Friends are few but they accept me for being me.

I work all day at me and my husbands used car dealership. I am with my family almost 24/7.  And it drives me mad sometimes.  So Ozzie and I try to have "Me Dates" about once a week to every 2 weeks.  A " Me Date" is when Ozzie or myself do something just for us. Alone.  Often times, when finances are good, I will take myself out to a dinner and a show.  This gives me a chance to go and see what I like without compromising.  Or we will go hang out with a friend.  Basically, it is a chance for us to remember that we are more than just a husband or wife or mother or father.  Other times it may just be an hour or two locked away in the bedroom with music and a good book.

I bring this up because people find this practice strange.  I can understand that.  You are not supposed to crave time away from your children or spouse. 

This post is random and may not make much sense.    I just want to encourage people in relationships or building families to find time to still be an individual.  How a small town thinks or how the social norm is presented is not a script you need to follow.  If people cannot accept it then they are not worth the precious grains of sand passing through the hourglass.

And the beat goes on

Wow.  A year. Filled with change, stress, happiness, and all other eewy, gooey feelings. 

This time last year Ozzie had officially quit his job as a machinist.  I was working for an at home call center.  A was just about to start her therapy for her autism.  G was at public school.

Now both the kids are homeschooled.  A just finished a year of therapy and it is amazing how she had progressed.  G has started grade 2 in his homeschool curriculum. We own and run a used car dealership.  We have recently moved from having the business run out of the home to an actual lot and office.  

Has all this been easy?  

HELL NO!  

I have had times where both Ozzie and myself have been beyond frustrated, stressed, worried, elated, proud, and content.  We go through almost each of that every single day.  But so far, with the help of family, friends and the people who buy cars from us, the lights are still on.

Honestly, I still have moments where I wish our life was the way it was a little over a year ago.  This mostly happens when things are difficult. Did I ever aspire to have my own business? No is the simple answer.  Could I ever go back?  Again, no.  Ozzie has been happier than he has ever been.  He has been more challenged and stressed than he has ever been at the same time.  It is the proverbial double-sided coin.  You can't have one without the other.

We have not returned to church.  I still have a hard time thinking about returning without becoming upset.  I have never been very good at letting things go.  That whole situation tore into me so deeply.  I am sure it will be a while yet until I learn to let it go.  I am awful at forgiving.  Just ask anyone who knows me.  I am an eater of souls and will sooner rip your face off and tear you down than forgive.  I need to work on that.

Anywho, Spring and "The Thaw" have come to Wisconsin.  I love spring but I hate "The Thaw".  It is that time of year where the snow slowly melts, leaving everything muddy.  Slowly, you will start finding random little in your yard.  Maybe a stray Sonic cup will materialize.  "How the heck did that get here? There isn't even a Sonic within a 2-hour drive!"

But I do have a favorite thing that can only come from "The Thaw".  Maple Syrup.  Well, Maple anything.  It is tapping time.  I have often thought about trying to tap some of the trees on our land.  However I think, when would I even have the time?! Even now I should be working on the stack of receipts that have flown in and made a nest on my desk.  Otherwise, I could be straining my brain to think of new and powerful ways to market my business and get people excited to buy a car from me.

So now I am trying to find myself again.

Mother

Wife

Teacher

Small Business Owner

I am sure there is Me in there somewhere.

It is time...

For an update.

Things have been interesting these last few weeks.  I have started my job and I am finding that I really enjoy it.  It is simple and allows me to feel like I am being productive.  It has a much bigger roll in my family than I first considered but I will explain that more later in this post.

The program I wanted to get my daughter in had an unexpected opening and we have started the process to get her the therapy that will be life changing for her and our family.  Many people, when I have told them that my daughter has be diagnosed with mild to moderate autism say, "I don't see it."  But it is there.  It is there when she will scream and cry over a new food being placed on the table.  Even worse it it comes dangerously close to her plate.  A quite, or even semi-quite dinner is a rare occurrence.  She isn't growing as fast as she should due to her very limited food choices.  She isn't malnourished but she is on the very edge of being too skinny and small for her age bracket.  It is there when she avoids certain activities because the noise, which isn't disturbing to another child of her age, or because of the feel of the project.  We had to cut her beautiful hair short because I couldn't stand another 15-30 minute screaming fit when I try to gently brush out the dead locks she gives herself every night.  It is much better now.... only 5 minutes of crying each morning.  Don't even get me started on trying to get her to brush her teeth.  It is there when she tried to run into traffic if I let go of her hand and don't immediately tell her to stay.  She has no self preservation.  No situational fear.  It is there when she is playing with her brother or a friend and she has no idea what a facial expression or tone of voice means.  To an outside eye it would look like she is just tormenting her brother for her own fun as siblings are known to do.  But she really cannot read his body language, face, tone, and doesn't have a basic understanding of words to tell that he is done playing and is upset.  When someone is crying she doesn't ask why or show any empathy.  She doesn't now how.  Just because you do not see a medical condition doesn't mean it  is not there.

Anyway, this new program with have intensive personal therapy that is tailored to her and her needs.  It is honestly the best thing that is available to her.  Our entire family will benefit.  Even if it is just for a meal without tears.

A big change has started.  Ozzie, the best man I know, has decided to start his own business.  He is my everything so I will support him in it.  I will do what I can to help him succeed.  We tried to slowly step into it.  But with me working now and his working during the day, not much was able to get done.  The banks are only open so long during the day.  So, after much consideration, thought, and sweaty, panicky moments it was decided that he would resign from his job and put his full effort into starting his business.  That is where my job comes in.  I will be the main bread winner.... again.

Is it scary? Yes.  Are we crazy?  More than likely.  But I have complete faith in Ozzie's abilities and tenacity.  So, my friends, family, random internet people, your support and encouragement is greatly needed.  A kind word and a good word can go far.  Kind thoughts and wishes are more than welcome as well.

So onto the next twisted trail to follow.

Pew Pew

So I am rather upset with my public school.  My son, who is 6 and in kindergarten, was kept from playing at recess and had to write lines at school.  But why? you may ask.  For pretending to be an Army Man, pretending his hand was a gun and used his imagination while playing with a friend to shoot bad guys. He wasn't pretend shooting at other children.  He was pretend shooting at imaginary bad guys.  But he was wrong and was disciplined for his play.  I think that is beyond ridiculous and goes far beyond the reach of schooling.

My husband has started his own blog and he shared his feeling and thoughts, which I completely agree with on this subject, far more clearly than I think I can.  So I am going to link his blog.

Enjoy.

Endless Wanderings Of Ozzie's Mind

My road I walk

If you know me, you know that I am blunt.  I don't dance around the point to anything.  Let me just get this out of the way.

I don't like Trump.  I dislike Hillary Clinton more.  I think Bernie Sanders is too pathetic to take seriously.  I wanted Ron Paul to be my president.

Phew.  Now that that is out of the way I can get along with my writings.  The rest of my post has nothing to do with politics.

I got a job last week.  An actual, legitimate work from home job.  I haven't held a job other than Mom for almost 6 years.  This whole experience is a lovely mix of excitement and nerves.  I don't plan on this being a long term thing.  Maybe a year or two.  Depends on how I enjoy it and the needs of the family. The plan is to help my amazing husband pay down some of our bills so we can better live on one income.  We can do it now, but there are extras that I want to save for that is not possible to do right now.

I wanna go on an actual vacation.  Hawaii, Japan, Italy.  Heck even Las Vegas sounds fun.  I want To be able to visit my family in Wyoming for Christmas this year.  I want to be able to go to the store in the middle of the week and not worry about putting too much into my cart.  Small things, like not having to have a heart attack every time a bill comes in the mail.  I know I will not be able to get rich with this job.  But I know I can take over the mortgage payment with what I make in a month.  One less thing for my hubby to worry about.

My husband does so much for me.  He works so hard during the week for me and the kids.  We have a great house, food, and are comfortable because of his drive and hard work.  Thank you, my love.

The therapy situation with my daughter has several interesting turns.  The program I hoped to get her into does not have any openings until August.  With my new work schedule her current therapists and I are trying to find the best time to have her therapies.  They are being very helpful and understanding with everything.  We will work it out.  I haven't told the school about her diagnosis.  I don't like my school district.  I feel that they would just use her diagnosis as a way to collect more money without putting in more effort.  That is what I believe they are currently with just an IEP.

Sadly, with this new job, I will not be able to continue my therapy.  I know I still need it.  But until all the bumps are worked out with my work schedule, the kids schedule, and therapies, I don't think I can commit to a time to see the therapist.  I don't like making time commitments I cannot keep.

I messaged a person I used to consider a friend in the last few weeks.  It is truly awkward.  I don't know how much to share, what to ask, or really how much of myself to put into it.  She is a great lady.  I just am not too trusting with very personal input right now.  Yeah, I know.  I have a blog.  But I don't put anything in this blog that I am not comfortable with a complete stranger knowing.  I still have much I do not share with the Internet.  Anyway,  I have no idea how to proceed with this person.  I don't want to get hurt like that again or potentially hurt someone in turn.

I am walking carefully ahead.  I am not as trusting as I once was.  I am trying to focus on myself and my family.  Because, while I love my friends, my family is the most important thing in my world.  They are the entirety of my world.  And I need to take care of myself so I can be the best I can for them.

This was a very random rant of a post.  No true plot or point.  Structured Chaos.  That is my life.  I kinda like it that way.  When things are predictable, I tend to feel like I am in a cage.  I feel like I am not in control of my life.  Funny how a small amount of chaos makes me feel like I am in control.  

Rest in Peace Dolly (Warning. Not a Happy Post)

I am deeply disturbed today.  Today I read about Katelyn Nicole Davis, AKA Dolly.  She is a 12 year old girl who made a permanent choice to solve her struggle with depression and abuse.  She live streamed her suicide.  She gave the world a open view of her hanging herself.  I just.....

According to reports,  she had all the telltale signs of sever depression and abuse.  She was a child who's subtle, and later not so subtle, cries for help were overlooked.  The bruises and self-inflicted cuts were ignored.  While she was on depression medication, WHERE WAS THE DOCTOR WHO PRESCRIBED IT?  That doctor should have seen these things for what they were.  Silent cries for help.  We are so fast to offer anti-depressants.  Nowadays, we as a society don't want to discover the messy, twisted bits that lie at the root of it all?  Nope.  Take a pill and cover it up.

Yes, I am on medication for depression.  I am also seeing a therapist to get to the root of it.  And yes, sometimes it is just a chemical imbalance in the body that is corrected by medication.  I acknowledge that there are many different reasons to be on medication.  But a 12 year old child, with physical evidence of abuse, should not have been placed on medication.  She should have been given a place where she was safe.  But she was overlooked and under cared for.

Her online diary was filled with sadness.  Any of her entries would have been enough to get her the help she needed if someone had taken the time or had paid attention.  But with the new trend (which I had written about previously) of casually saying someone wants to die or hopes to die, the cries of help get lost.  That is why if one of my friends mentions or tries to joke about killing themselves I actually ask how they are doing.

Which leads to another problem.

When someone asks if you are okay, how often do you think they actually want to know the true answer?  9 times out of 10 we say, "Oh I'm fine." or  "Okay."  What about that one time you say, "Not good."  Does the other person care?  Do they try to hear your problems?  Or do they say, "Aw that sucks." and then change the subject?  Do we do that to people?  Here is a challenge.  When you ask how someone is doing, actually CARE! That may be the life line someone needs.  If someone asks how you are doing, BE HONEST!  NO ONE is perfect.  No one should expect other people to be perfect either.    Parents, PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR CHILDREN!  That is your job!  I don't care if you are religious or not but it is your JOB to take care of that child you created or claimed responsibility for.

This as turned into a rant/vent.  Katelyn was 12.  She had an entire future ahead of her.  Thousands of possible paths were placed at her feet.  The choice she made was not the easy way out.  But she was so lost in depression she could only see one path.  It was the shortest path the guaranteed she would no longer suffer.  And she walked it, She broadcast-ed it across the Internet.

If you are sad, lonely, lost, hurting, or any personification of unhappy, talk to someone.  If you find yourself inching closer and closer along that short path, call your local or the international hot line.  Call a friend, teacher, preacher, doctor.  You are not alone in this struggle.  Though you may be be hurting for a different reason, you are NOT alone.

I don't know who all reads my rants I deem a blog.  But I know that I care about you all.  I guess I hope, it may seem a little vain, that my blog can be a small, warm light to someone who is lost in the dark.  Darkness does not last forever.  And you don't have to be alone.  Your reasons for being sad or depressed are real and important.  Be they little or large.  No one can tell you how you should feel.  

Don't just be kind to each other.  Be open.  Open to hear someones call for help or the reason for their joy.  Every little bit of kindness you share can help light up the dark in this cruel world.  You being open could be just the thing someone needs to start of a better path.

The Storm You Knew Has Come

The Holidays are over and live had returned to a our normal chaos.  School, work, not burning down the house.  You know, everyday stuff.  Well, let me go back to the beginning of December.

My daughter, I am sure I have mentioned, is both speech delayed and has sensory issues.  She has various special doctors and therapists that work with her and me to try to help her learn to express herself and understand others.  We went to see her Child Development doctor at the beginning of December.  She is progressing well.  The doctor is happy with her progress.  Then I mentioned how insurance and public education are making it difficult for her to get the therapies she need.

Let me delve into that a little more.  My insurance does not see occupational therapy as medically necessary even though her sensory issues are stating to keep her from accepting new foods, therefore she has a very self imposed, strict diet.  The school also sees no need to try to provide occupational therapy for the same reason.  My insurance is also moaning and groaning about her need for private speech therapy.  Whilst at the same time, the school isn't able to provide her with the intense, one on one, therapy that have been pivotal to the progress she has made.  The school is also unhappy that she receives private therapy and has actually fought to have it discontinued.  I digress.

So as I spoke with her doctor about our struggles the doctor gave me a long look.  She said she thinks it is finally time to get my daughter an actual diagnosis.  This would ensure her ability to get the therapies she needs  Her doctor also mentioned how if my child were to stop receiving these therapies, the likelihood of her regressing is extremely high.  The skills she needs are like muscles.  If you stop training, the muscles return to their weakened state.  The doctor gave me a referral to a local private company to do a thorough examination to diagnose my child with Autism.

I knew this was coming.  I thought I was prepared for it.  Children grow out of Autism everyday with the right therapies and education.  This doesn't have to be a lifetime struggle.  I made the appointment with the Wisconsin Early Autism Project, WEAP.  This last week we had our answer.  I got the diagnosis I needed to help my daughter get the therapies and help she needs.  I got the answer I feared, avoided, needed, and hated.

My sweet little girl has been diagnosed with Mild to Moderate Autism.

The back of my mind is crying.  Screaming, "Why can't my child be normal?"  But I love her no matter what.  She is my little demon.  Sent to test and challenge me.  This is her normal.  She is a happy child.  And I can't ask for much more.  I just need to fight hard for her.  I can't let her become another statistic.  If I try hard enough I can get through anything.

But here is the thing.  While WEAP has a wonderful program, so does SPOTS.  I have a magnitude of information at my fingertips.  I am trying not read EVERYTHING on Google.  I am trying to not take it to heart.  But I haven't a clue on where to go from here.  I have reached out to her therapist and plan on going over everything with them.  I am weary of telling the school because they have only treated her like a paycheck and a way to get funding.  What else am I supposed to do?  What programs are available to me?  How can I afford to take her to these programs?

Questions and whispers swirl in my head.  Fear and worry sit on me like large stones. Questions: "How do I do this?  What do I do?"  Whispers: "People are going to treat her different now.  They will treat her like she is defective."  Fear: "I won't be able to get her what she needs.  I don't know what needs doing."  Worry: "They are going to pigeon hole her at school and force her to be the stereotypical Autistic child.  What will other kids or people think if my family now?"

These past 6-7 months have been topsy turvy with my depression.  While that is under control with the help of medication, this adds to it.  I have control issues and this is something I can't even begin to try to control.  It makes me feel worthless and powerless.

I know this is but a small bump compared to what others have faced.  I am grateful that the diagnosis is light compared to what it could be.  I am glad that this is something that we can work through to make her life more normal and fulfilling.  But just because the snake that bit you isn't poisonous doesn't mean the bite doesn't hurt.

Acceptability

It has been a month since I last made a post.  Birthdays have come and gone.  Same with holidays.  The weather outside is getting that icy chill to it.  I hate the cold.  I hate being cold.  Now is the time of year I really start to bake.

I know it is very random of me but I actually had a reason to be posting today.  I was looking through my Facebook feed and lately I have seen many things that have disturbed me.  Now I have no really right climb onto my little soapbox and lecture.  But I have seen this type of thing seemingly grow outrageously fast these past few months.  I really only took a keen notice of it lately.  What is it you may be asking?  Or you are yelling at me to get on with it.  Anyway....

This, or something eerily similar to this, has been become a more and more popular post for young adults and teens to share.  I see the like sometimes on my younger cousins posts.  But wait.  There is more.

My real question is... WHEN THE HECK DID IT BECOME OKAY TO NORMALIZE THOUGHTS OR AMBITIONS LIKE THESE!  People find amusement in this.  People are agreeing with this and are envious of comments like these.  Is it the next new thing to nonchalantly say you want to kill yourself or would rather be dead and NO ONE try to help?  It is just like, "Cool story bro."?   Is it cool to tell people you would rather be dead?  WHY AREN'T PEOPLE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY?!  There has been a rise of depression and anxiety in the youth.  Do we just shrug it off and say they are trying to get attention?  Is it really harmful to have an honest talk about what that person may be feeling to have a comment like that?  WHEN ARE WE AS A SOCIETY GOING TO START TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR EXTREME LACK OF EMPATHY OR CARING!  We throw everyone who is not perfect or seemingly so, into a box and just leave them there, casually throwing in leaflets of "help" to be perceived to be caring.  

"Oh, there is a lot of help available."  Yeah, there is.  But it does no good to just toss this information out with no real intent to follow through with interest.  Schools are quick to advise a person to take pills or spew the "it is just a phase" rhetoric.  It is rare for real help or empathy to be given.  

And parents, how are we not seeing this?  I am not saying we should read their diaries or stalk their social media.  But some healthy observation of what is being posted on a public social site is necessary.  

OK. Rant over.  

It disturbs me to see this becoming common.  It is like youth, in general, are being swept away into the vast see socially acceptable nonsense.  Like they are lost in world of flickering lights.  So many are light and then are extinguished that it becomes a jumble.

We all need to pay attention.  This time of year usually shows a spike in suicide attempts and successes.  It is never a welcomed gift. 

Looking Back

It sucks looking back.  I know I have been away from this blog for a bit.  I didn't know if I really had anything to write about.  Things are going very well for me and mine.  Therapy is going well.  My marriage is amazing.  My kids are the beautiful little demons they are and I wouldn't change them.  Well, most of the time.  I have been making a lot of new friends.  I am getting out of the house more with my family and alone.  I feel like I am making some positive steps forward in my life.  The thing that kills is when, for some reason or another, I catch a glimpse at someone I used to know.

I am glad they are doing well.  I am glad that they are having the best available to them.  I find myself missing the friendships I thought I had with them.  Feeling like I was never really accepted into this special group.  I thought I was.  I thought I was loved for myself.  But being on the outside looking in, it is hard to say that I was.  I wanted to be accepted so badly.  I wanted to feel like I had that special connection to these people.  Maybe I did and my hindsight is clouded with regret and anger.  An entire chapter of my life seems to be washed away.  I wouldn't even know how to write those over again.  I can't say for certain that I want to.

This summer I seem to have gone through a metamorphosis.  I am not the person I was at the beginning of the summer.  I am not back to my old self nor am I the person who brought in this year.  I am a divine combination of past fierceness, past knowledge, and current hope and spunk.  Am I were I think I should be mentally?  No.  I still have a long way to go and 3 therapy sessions are going to fix me.  Taking medication helps but it doesn't fix me.

I guess I hurt seeing these people because I wanted to do all of these fun things with them or have them accompany me through my events.  I guess I had thought I could just ignore that they are also moving on with their lives just as I am moving on with mine.  It hurts even more thinking that they don't miss or think about me and mine.  I think about them and smile, wishing them well.  I hope they are doing the same.  But you never know how another is thinking or feeling.  Especially since there is no common ground or place to interact with them anymore.  Who knew a line would be drawn and nobody knew until we were all on our own sides.

Am I too proud to cross that line or am I too afraid of dredging up hurt feeling and having to relive it?  What if I cross that line and it is awesome?  I can't say that I will ever know.  There is too much potential for hurt and misunderstanding to be able to have a companionable relationship.  My kids still ask about them and it breaks my heart.  I see things that I wish I could tell them about but then I catch myself.  Nope.  Not happening.

This week is hard in general as the anniversary of the death of a dear family member and friend comes closer.  He went too soon.  We can all agree in that.

Kicking it

This weekend was as uneventful as one might imagine.  I had a very easy surgery Friday afternoon and I am astonished by how well I am feeling.  I am making myself take it slow just until I get an all clear from the doctor.  It doesn't help that one of my kids decided that wrestling thins morning was a good idea and I got hit right on an incision point.  OUCH!  But I am good.

I was able to hang out a with a friend and watch movies Saturday while I sat on my butt and healed.  It was nice to have someone who I could talk Tolkien with and other books.  My husband isn't nearly as into fantasy and books as I am.  That makes talking about anything other than cars interesting.  I made my dear, sweet hubby watch the first Hobbit movie with my about a week ago.  It was almost tiring trying to explain who, what, when, where, why of Middle Earth.  I love him but he is no book nerd.  My friend and I had a good ol' time talking about the different parts of Middle Earth.  My mildly drugged self was very happy.

Yesterday, we took the Jag out for a drive.  The color is just reaching it's peak up here in the nort'.  So we took as many back roads as we could find.  I love autumn.  The changing of the leaves is the best part.  Maple and Birch trees, I believe, have the best color.  I can't find any other tree that has the illusion of being cast aflame by the oncoming cold.  The leaves turn every shade of fall.  Red at the tips that lead to seeping oranges, yellows, and greens.

I also get to bake like crazy during this season.  Cookies, cakes, candies, pies.  All of it.  So blissful am I to be surrounded by sugar, flour, and butter.  The sad part is the dishes that must be cleaned during the process.  I really wish I had a dishwasher during this time of year.

Mentally, I am very at peace right now.  My marriage is awesome.  My kids are growing and learning.  I have the time to be me.  My friendships are become more bright and different.  I have done more for myself these past few months than I have done in the previous 9 years.  Taking the time to spend with friends, with or without children.  Taking the time for me.  Tomorrow is my next therapy session.  It has been a while since I went due to illness in the home.  But I am excited to see how it goes.

Under the Knife

There probably won't be a post tomorrow.  I am having a routine surgery and will be drugged up most of the day.  Should go simple and easy.  Nothing like having surgery to ring in a say good bye to the month and start the next month with healthier eating...  Ah who am I kidding.  At the first chance to make a cheesecake, I am doing it.  Yum.

The world is trying to start being more open and accepting of people who suffer from mental illnesses.  You can see it in the TV shows, read it in books and news articles, and even hear it in music.  With all this acceptance it should be easy to go seek help, right?  Wrong.  Just because the world has put a shiny label on something does not mean it is easier to get help or even come out with what is wrong.  It is still a struggle to acknowledge, even to myself sometimes, that I am only getting better because I am taking a little pill and talking to someone who is little more than a stranger about what I think my issues are.

Depression is only one of the numerous crippling mental health issues that people of this day and age deal with.  Anxiety runs rampant through the youth as the prospects outside of school become grim.  Not just in the youth, but everywhere.  Men and woman are rushing in the human race and sometimes there is too much pressure.  In fact, Anxiety is the most common mental illness in the U.S.  Affecting 18% of the population.  Anorexia and Bulimia sweep through both women and men as the world prints digitally enhanced photos with the underlying context, "You Must Look Like This To be Considered Attractive."  Setting impossible standards that are unhealthy and unrealistic.  

These are but a few of the many mental health issues/illness that are in being made "mainstream".  Only about one third of those suffering actually receive treatment.  One half of those diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with anxiety.  With anxiety alone there are many sub categories.  There are many treatment options available with each one.

I know some will say, "It is just the pharmaceutical companies making money of people.  Creating new 'illnesses' so they can sell more drugs."  I am not fond of pharmaceutical companies in general but I am grateful to be able to have something that helps me.  I will not get into the wrongs of those companies right now, if ever.  I am just glad that those I know who take something to help them get through the day without bringing harm to themselves or to those around them, have it available to them.

This post really has no rhyme or reason to it.  Some small peeks into the labyrinth that is my mind.  I haven't had enough tea lately to make sense of most of it.

Did I mention....... IT IS AUTUMN!!!!! My favorite season.  Not for the pumpkin spice junk.  But for sweaters, apple cider, pie, cake, or just plain apples!  The colors of the trees and the sharp, crisp breath of the breeze.  Corn mazes, pumpkin patches, spice cookies, Halloween!,  Mr. Boogity,  Hocus Pocus, The Tale of Icabod Crane, and so much more!  All these things give a perfect setting for bonfires, wood smoke, clear and starry nights.  The only thing that would make this season better is if it would just freeze at the time when the trees are in full color, the bugs are gone and I have an apple in my hand.  No need for winter.  I am good.

Month of Ill

As the title suggests, I have been ill for the past month if not longer.  Starting with a sinus cold for 2 weeks, then a sinus infection for 2 weeks, add a bit of pink eye, and top it off with what I am guessing is another sinus cold/infection.  Oh the joys of being me.

As for the future I am heading into a routine surgery this weekend.  The kids will be spending a great deal of time with the grandparents this weekend.  If I happen to call you and I sound like I am stoned off my butt, I apologize and please record it because I am sure it will be hilarious.  The kids are liking school and I am trying to get back into the groove of being home alone after about 2 weeks of kids/spouses home sick.  I am very lazy.  As for therapy, I had to cancel my last visit because I did not want to share the lovely thing known as pink eye with the clinic.

I have posted before about teen suicides and the statistics surrounding it.  I have even posted about the ways to help talk to someone who is considering suicide.  It is all gruesome and tedious business.  There is no happiness about it, save only if someone turns away from suicide and gets the help they deserve.  The stories of suicide does not end with the ending of a life.  The pain and sadness flows on in those who are left behind.  The mothers, fathers, siblings, and loved ones of the person who has been lost.  These people have to live with the memories of everything.  It is never certain if it would bring more pain to them if they were asked about their loss or if talking about it will bring comfort.  The grey area is different for every case.

A good friend of mine has started a new website and project because of the loss of a beautiful soul.  It is on Facebook as well.  We're Still Here Project is the brain child of my brilliant friend, Jessica.  An amazing woman who makes web pages bend to her will, also has one of the most tender and caring hearts I have been blessed to know.  It was actually because of her own battles that she chose to come public with that I decided to seek help for my depression and create this blog.  Back to the project.

It is still in its infancy and needs the stories and views of other people to succeed.  These stories could possibly help someone else that has suffered a loss.  I am a firm believer that it is through stories that a person is still here.  Through stories a person may become immortal.  This project hopes to grow into a resource to help those left behind with what they need up to helping with the costs to lay those who have gone too soon to rest.

Check out the web page.  You can search We're Still Here Project on Facebook or if you are my friend on FB I am sure you have seen me share some of the posts.

As Jessica has said on the website, death has no age limit.  If we can help someone who has felt the sting of loss feel even a smidge better it is well worth it.

WEEKEND!

I am still on the mend from my infections.  I can go most of the day without pain killers unless I stare at a screen too long.

We signed the papers for the repairs and upgrades on the house today.  Oh the joy of spending $45,000 that you didn't really want to but know you have to.  It should be all done and over with in about 3 months.  Alas, it is signed, filed, and now we just have to pick the color for the new siding.  I am glad the kids will be in school during the bulk of the mayhem that will be going on.

Now to turn our attention to getting the land ready for the coming winter.  Plow truck needs to be serviced if not changed over.  Our old Crusty is getting too crusty and we may be putting the plow on a different truck,

This week was interesting with the infection and with the kids.  I was really hoping that I would have time to be miserable by myself this week.  Well, my son had a stomach ache Tuesday and my daughter didn't want to be in school on Wednesday.  I got Thursday to be a sick, sad momma.  Moms truly never get breaks.

This weekend I hope to be able to get some alone time.  As well as some time with just the hubby and I.  Got an over night babysitter set for Saturday.  DATE NIGHT!  We may make some time to play cards against humanity with some friends.

Good health for the weekend.

Better Late

I am finally feeling slightly human enough to type.  Turns out I had/have a wicked sinus and middle ear infection.  Yay me!  Bring on the horse pill full of magical antibiotics and steroids!  That is what I get for ignoring it/thinking it was just a sinus cold for almost a week.  But at least I don't need the migraine medicine as much.  Meaning I only need it once a day instead of 4 times a day.  Let this be a lesson to people.  SINUS INFECTIONS SUCK!

My therapy appointment last week was interesting.  I won't be able to see her again because of scheduling issues for another 2 weeks.  I am really hoping to be able to learn new ways to process thing and to be able to let go of grudges.  If anyone knows me in reality they can tell that I am a gold medalist in grudge holding and working in evil and devious ways.

The kids seems to be enjoying school.  I am still getting used to being by myself during the day and being sick these last 2-2 1/2 weeks has not been fun.  Part of me says to find a part time job.  The other part of me knows how important it is to me and my family to have me here at home.  My mom was able to be at home during my youth and I enjoyed having her be there when I got home from school.  My father in law was home for my husband and his brother when they were in school too.  It may not work for everyone but it works for us.

The seasons are changing in NW WI.  Apple orchards are opening and the leaves are slowly starting to turn.  The air hasn't changed yet.  You can tell when Autumn is here when the air has that crisp end to every breath and the comforting fragrance of the harvest.  I hope to actually be able to go to a corn maze with the kids this year.  They are both big enough now that I think they will both enjoy it.  I look forward to trying to surprise my hubby with a picnic in the field.  Halloween decorations are in full force here.

We got approved to do improvements to the house.  New siding, new septic, new gutters, and best of all, a new and adjusted furnace set up.  That means no more having to build a fire EVERY 4 HOURS!  No more or not as much ash in the house during the winter.  Not having to worry so much about having to make sure we have enough dry wood to keep warm all winter!  I will still be making fires in the wood stove but we will have a new set up that will make it more efficient.  Nothing, I mean nothing feels better than a wood fire when it is -20 degrees outside.  Except maybe a warm cup of cider, fuzzy blanket, a good book, and good music in the background.  AH.  A perfect day.

In case you couldn't tell, Autumn is by far my favorite season.  If only it wasn't also football season as well.  Oh golly the Packer fans are gonna be coming out soon.  And the Badger fans.  Wisconsin, the place for sports and beer.... and cheese..... yummy cheese.

Migraine

Not gonna be much of a post today.  I have a splitting head ache and am trying to write this post with my voice to text software.  It still needs some adjustment.  Looking at any screen is painful and I am about to retreat into my dark room after I put the kids to bed,

Therapy Tuesday was, what I think, a really nice start.  My therapist and I seem to be a good match.  She said the way I talk is colorful and creative.  I will get into it more when I don't feel like my brain is trying to escape through my sinuses.

The kids really enjoyed their first full week of school.  Hubby is off for the holiday weekend.

I am sorry this isn't much of a post.  I will do better Monday.  Have a safe and happy Labor Day weekend.  I am going to bed down with some Excedrin. 

The day after Sunday

The kids have been shipped off to school and I find myself with only a light list of things to do today.  My dear Hubby was kind enough to help me REALLY clean the house this weekend.  I mean, he washed the carpets and everything.  I love that man.  He spoils me.  He even let me have a late night out Saturday with a good friend.  He stayed and watched the kids.  Not that he had to do so much.  The kids were in bed when I left.  But it is the thought that counts.  I still have a stupid sinus cold that just won't leave me be.

We have an unwanted guest in my daughters room. I am keeping the door closed until hubby can get home to take care of it.  Maybe it is because Halloween is now on the radar that he decides to visit.  We have a BAT in the house.  We think we know how he is getting in and hubby will be taking car of it when he gets home.  Until then I will not go into that room.  Nope. Nope. Nope.  I can wash those clothes on her floor a different day.  No rush.

I have my initial therapy appointment tomorrow.  It is about an hour from my house.  So I get a long time to freak out and worry on my way there.  Will she think I am certifiably crazy?  Oh the thinks you can think.  Hubby will be getting off of work an hour early so I can be sure to get there on time.  I am not looking forward to the paperwork.  No that is a lie.  I love paperwork.  I am not looking forward to the awkwardness of trying to explain myself.  This blog is the most I like to talk about myself.

Sadly, my community has received another blow.  Another youth has committed suicide.  This person was 18.  Earlier this year his girlfriend committed suicide.  She was 17 if I remember correctly.  I did not know these people personally.  But I know many people who did.  I can see the pain on their faces. Hear it in their voice.  The anguish is so bitter.  There have been so many teen suicides lately.  Not just in my community but in many places around this world.  It is not like it didn't happen when I was a teenager.  I can remember less than a handful of occurrences in my high school years.  The statistics of suicide are concerning.

On average, there are 117 suicides a day.  PER DAY!  Men are 3.5 times more likely to commit suicide than women.  Whites have held the highest percentage of suicides for more than a decade.  Followed my Native Americans.  Nearly 50% of all suicides are completed by use of a firearm.  Suffocation is 29%.  And for every suicide there is 25 attempts.  It is unclear if the rise in social media, unattainable physical standards, or one of many other factors is contributing to the slow but steady increase of suicides.

But with the use of social media, while there has been an increase in cyber bullying, instructions on how to commit suicide and such, there is also an increasingly large number help sites and awareness pages to reach out and assist in helping those who are in need.  There is hope.  There is help.  No one needs to go at it alone.

I will be updating my links to show the nifty sites I found.  Then I am going to make me some food.  I can't decide if it will be burritos or chicken and pineapple pizza.  Either way.... I win.

Busy Bees

I didn't mean to take a break from the blog.  I honestly hadn't much time this last week and a half.
Between doctor appointments, therapy for Addison, getting the last of the school supplies, actually starting school, and getting acclimated to not having the kids home all the time, I have not had the time to write.  Things should calm down after August is over.  I can't say I am very patiently waiting for September to start.  I am very impatient.  I crave the quite that a schedule brings.  The panic of getting used to when to wake the children in time for the bus, scheduling therapies during school, and making time for a family, is exhausting.

It has been decided that Addison will continue her therapies at Spots House and we will not be taking advantage of the programs available at the school.  The progress she has made over the summer far out preforms the progress she made in an entire school year with the school therapies.  I am very thankful and lucky to have the opportunity to have this program available.  She is talking so much!  I think going to school will also help her.  The other students and teachers do not know her like I do so she will have to find a different way to communicate.  She seemed to enjoy her first day of school.  I think my biggest struggle will be making sure she eats enough and has access to different food, pushing her to try different things.  This lass is quite the picky eater.  I have to get some meat on her bones.

Griffon is LOVING school.  I am glad he enjoys it even though I am having issues with it.  Not with him going to school.  Not even much with what they are doing in class.  It is the fact that my kindergartner has HOMEWORK!  Seriously!  "Oh it is just reading and finishing the projects we don't finish in class."  I don't mind reading to my child.  I love it.  But to assign homework to a 5 year old is asinine.  I also got quite the look when I told the teacher that my child will not be participating in any standardized testing.  Sorry, I refuse to allow my child to become a statistic to milk money out the system.

Next week is my therapy appointment.  I am at that grey line where the medication is working so well I almost feel silly seeking therapy.  But I know I don't want to be on medication forever.  I know therapy will help be be this happy and content without the need of chemistry altering medications.  But I do have have to say that the meds are working very well.  I haven't really had a bad day in a while.  Things are looking up when it comes to my mental health.  My physical health is getting better as well.  I am still slowly losing weight.  I just wish this sinus cold I have had for the past week would bugger off.  I am at the tail of it.  At least I don't sound like I have lost a screaming match with a troll anymore.  I just hack up part of my lungs randomly.

Things are looking good.  I hope they continue this way.

It is September yet?

Sorry.  Sorry.  Sorry.

I completely forgot to make a post on Friday.  My life is so full of crazy and I would forget my head if it were attached.

Okay.  Where was I?  Last week we had to replace a brake line in my car to I was grounded for most of the week.  Ozzie was kind enough to come get me from Addison's therapy appointment where we were stranded.  I even ran out of sugar!  That has never happened before.  It was telling how much I use it in my day to day.

I have to admit I had kind of a bad day last Wednesday.  I had no confidence in myself and just felt like staying in bed all day.  Finally at around 2 pm I was able to pull myself up and and got stuff done around the house.  Over the next few days I was able to get my house respectable again.  I still felt kinda ugly and useless.  But I needed to get the house clean because we had an even busier weekend planned.

We had friends come over with their kids Friday night for burgers.  It was a lot of fun and they are the proud owners of a parts lawnmower.  (Sorry guys!)  The kids were nice an worn out by the end of the night.  After they left, or before actually, another friend came over to play games.  Fallout 4 is addictive!.  I think I will stick to Assassins Creed.  But that wasn't enough!  Saturday we had another set of friends and their kids come up.  They came to spend a day letting the kids play and helping Ozzie with his car projects.  Pizza was had.  Blackberries were picked. I tried Baba ghanoush for the first time.  It was yummy.

This next 2 weeks will be just as crazy.  School starts for the kids in about a week and a half.  Therapies, doctor appointments, time out with friends. finishing school shopping, and a lot of other messiness.  A big shout out to my Mumyeta for offering to buy the kids nap mats!  That helped out a lot.  Thank you!

I start my therapy two weeks from tomorrow.  I am so nervo-cited! The medication has helped a lot but I want to get down to the root of my issues.  I know I have a lot of them and want to adjust as many as I can.

My life has turned so interesting in these last few weeks.  Ozzie and I are taking more time to be together and to meet and interact with new people.  I am so grateful for my friends that we have spent time with, including my new friends that make everything exciting.  I can't wait to hang out with everyone again.

My blue hair will be gone by the end of the week.  It will be going to a different shade.  But that is a surprise.  It may be expected.  It may be shocking.  But it will be fun.

What if I told you?

Secrets.  Life is full of them.  The ones we keep from outsiders.  The ones we keep from family.  The ones we keep from our spouses.  And finally, the ones we keep from ourselves.  There are so many different kinds of secrets.  I was once told that secrets are lies by omission.  That not sharing EVERY SINGLE THING is a lie.  I am blunt.  I am not subtle.  But I don't think everyone wants to hear what is going on inside my head.  It would shock, disgust, offend, entertain, and confuse you.  It does the  same to me.  Ozzie won't even listen to my dreams anymore because he says they are too strange.

This weekend was full of so much crazy.  We had a wedding and a birthday party on Saturday.  Luckily the kids had an overnight babysitter again and Ozzie and I were able to play adults for a little bit.  The wedding was interesting.  It is Wisconsin so there was a LOT of alcohol there.  One gent was so far into the bottle by the time we got there, he decided he would water the grass in front of everyone.  NO WARNING!  The men laughed, the ladies cringed.  It was crazy.  The bride looked absolutely radiant and beautiful.  The groom looked stressed and not happy with the commotion.

The birthday party before the wedding was a lot of fun.  It was nice to hang out with friends who have kids.  The understanding of a messy house and happy screams makes you think you are less crazy.  The family of our friends are great fun, too.  I am glad I got to meet them.  After the wedding we visited a friend in town and had a late night full of fried cheese curds and root beer.  We didn't make it back home until 2:30 AM.

It seems the increased meds are doing well for me.  I am fighting off a little insomnia again.  But I am sure that it will pass as I get used to the new dose.  I am having insomnia but I am very tired as well.  My body wants to sleep and my brain won't stop running.   But so far no bad days.  I am hoping this trend continues.  I am ready to be healthy again.  I want to be happy again.  I have gotten some seriously genuine support that I am very grateful for.  I feel like I am coming even further out of the fog that I had been in.  We are meeting great new people as I am finally willing to go out of my bubble.  I am even eating better and have gone down a full pants size.

I have also met, through forums I am part of or through this blog, so many others who are suffering from depression.  It has so many forms and the word, "depression" is so demonized that people are scared to admit they may have it.  It is hereditary.  It can be cause by any different situations. From what I understand, cutting oneself is a popular self harm for teens suffering from depression.  They are putting physical scars to match the one in their mind.  They refuse to seek help or are scared to seek help.  Cutting releases the anger/sadness/fear that they hold inside, or so they say.  I, personally, have never been so far down the rabbit hole that I believe harming myself was they only way to feel better.  It is saddening to read about or talk to these young girls and boys.

We can all sit at our computer and say, "That is wrong.  They shouldn't do that.  Life isn't that bad."  But we aren't living it.  Sure, some cut or act out to get attention.  There are plenty of youth and even adults that do not.  Much of the time they hide it so they don't hear people say the same words I just typed.  They don't want to be made to feel any worse.  We can show concern and be compassionate with being brash and angry.  Compassion can't reside in anger.  Concern should be shown by tearing another down.  You can be an ear for them to speak to.  You can find ways to help by finding support groups or information online.  Yelling, "YOU SHOULDN'T"T DO THAT!" doesn't help.  Threatening to tell parents or loved ones can only make it worse.  Try to understand that they are feeling EVERYTHING.  Understand that this is how they have learned to process it.  Is it unhealthy and could potentially lead to far more dangerous things?  YES!  But they need a gentle hand to help lift them up.  Not a hard stare and fear.

It you want to help someone who is suffering from any type of depression, lead with love.