It is time...

For an update.

Things have been interesting these last few weeks.  I have started my job and I am finding that I really enjoy it.  It is simple and allows me to feel like I am being productive.  It has a much bigger roll in my family than I first considered but I will explain that more later in this post.

The program I wanted to get my daughter in had an unexpected opening and we have started the process to get her the therapy that will be life changing for her and our family.  Many people, when I have told them that my daughter has be diagnosed with mild to moderate autism say, "I don't see it."  But it is there.  It is there when she will scream and cry over a new food being placed on the table.  Even worse it it comes dangerously close to her plate.  A quite, or even semi-quite dinner is a rare occurrence.  She isn't growing as fast as she should due to her very limited food choices.  She isn't malnourished but she is on the very edge of being too skinny and small for her age bracket.  It is there when she avoids certain activities because the noise, which isn't disturbing to another child of her age, or because of the feel of the project.  We had to cut her beautiful hair short because I couldn't stand another 15-30 minute screaming fit when I try to gently brush out the dead locks she gives herself every night.  It is much better now.... only 5 minutes of crying each morning.  Don't even get me started on trying to get her to brush her teeth.  It is there when she tried to run into traffic if I let go of her hand and don't immediately tell her to stay.  She has no self preservation.  No situational fear.  It is there when she is playing with her brother or a friend and she has no idea what a facial expression or tone of voice means.  To an outside eye it would look like she is just tormenting her brother for her own fun as siblings are known to do.  But she really cannot read his body language, face, tone, and doesn't have a basic understanding of words to tell that he is done playing and is upset.  When someone is crying she doesn't ask why or show any empathy.  She doesn't now how.  Just because you do not see a medical condition doesn't mean it  is not there.

Anyway, this new program with have intensive personal therapy that is tailored to her and her needs.  It is honestly the best thing that is available to her.  Our entire family will benefit.  Even if it is just for a meal without tears.

A big change has started.  Ozzie, the best man I know, has decided to start his own business.  He is my everything so I will support him in it.  I will do what I can to help him succeed.  We tried to slowly step into it.  But with me working now and his working during the day, not much was able to get done.  The banks are only open so long during the day.  So, after much consideration, thought, and sweaty, panicky moments it was decided that he would resign from his job and put his full effort into starting his business.  That is where my job comes in.  I will be the main bread winner.... again.

Is it scary? Yes.  Are we crazy?  More than likely.  But I have complete faith in Ozzie's abilities and tenacity.  So, my friends, family, random internet people, your support and encouragement is greatly needed.  A kind word and a good word can go far.  Kind thoughts and wishes are more than welcome as well.

So onto the next twisted trail to follow.

Pew Pew

So I am rather upset with my public school.  My son, who is 6 and in kindergarten, was kept from playing at recess and had to write lines at school.  But why? you may ask.  For pretending to be an Army Man, pretending his hand was a gun and used his imagination while playing with a friend to shoot bad guys. He wasn't pretend shooting at other children.  He was pretend shooting at imaginary bad guys.  But he was wrong and was disciplined for his play.  I think that is beyond ridiculous and goes far beyond the reach of schooling.

My husband has started his own blog and he shared his feeling and thoughts, which I completely agree with on this subject, far more clearly than I think I can.  So I am going to link his blog.

Enjoy.

Endless Wanderings Of Ozzie's Mind

My road I walk

If you know me, you know that I am blunt.  I don't dance around the point to anything.  Let me just get this out of the way.

I don't like Trump.  I dislike Hillary Clinton more.  I think Bernie Sanders is too pathetic to take seriously.  I wanted Ron Paul to be my president.

Phew.  Now that that is out of the way I can get along with my writings.  The rest of my post has nothing to do with politics.

I got a job last week.  An actual, legitimate work from home job.  I haven't held a job other than Mom for almost 6 years.  This whole experience is a lovely mix of excitement and nerves.  I don't plan on this being a long term thing.  Maybe a year or two.  Depends on how I enjoy it and the needs of the family. The plan is to help my amazing husband pay down some of our bills so we can better live on one income.  We can do it now, but there are extras that I want to save for that is not possible to do right now.

I wanna go on an actual vacation.  Hawaii, Japan, Italy.  Heck even Las Vegas sounds fun.  I want To be able to visit my family in Wyoming for Christmas this year.  I want to be able to go to the store in the middle of the week and not worry about putting too much into my cart.  Small things, like not having to have a heart attack every time a bill comes in the mail.  I know I will not be able to get rich with this job.  But I know I can take over the mortgage payment with what I make in a month.  One less thing for my hubby to worry about.

My husband does so much for me.  He works so hard during the week for me and the kids.  We have a great house, food, and are comfortable because of his drive and hard work.  Thank you, my love.

The therapy situation with my daughter has several interesting turns.  The program I hoped to get her into does not have any openings until August.  With my new work schedule her current therapists and I are trying to find the best time to have her therapies.  They are being very helpful and understanding with everything.  We will work it out.  I haven't told the school about her diagnosis.  I don't like my school district.  I feel that they would just use her diagnosis as a way to collect more money without putting in more effort.  That is what I believe they are currently with just an IEP.

Sadly, with this new job, I will not be able to continue my therapy.  I know I still need it.  But until all the bumps are worked out with my work schedule, the kids schedule, and therapies, I don't think I can commit to a time to see the therapist.  I don't like making time commitments I cannot keep.

I messaged a person I used to consider a friend in the last few weeks.  It is truly awkward.  I don't know how much to share, what to ask, or really how much of myself to put into it.  She is a great lady.  I just am not too trusting with very personal input right now.  Yeah, I know.  I have a blog.  But I don't put anything in this blog that I am not comfortable with a complete stranger knowing.  I still have much I do not share with the Internet.  Anyway,  I have no idea how to proceed with this person.  I don't want to get hurt like that again or potentially hurt someone in turn.

I am walking carefully ahead.  I am not as trusting as I once was.  I am trying to focus on myself and my family.  Because, while I love my friends, my family is the most important thing in my world.  They are the entirety of my world.  And I need to take care of myself so I can be the best I can for them.

This was a very random rant of a post.  No true plot or point.  Structured Chaos.  That is my life.  I kinda like it that way.  When things are predictable, I tend to feel like I am in a cage.  I feel like I am not in control of my life.  Funny how a small amount of chaos makes me feel like I am in control.  

Rest in Peace Dolly (Warning. Not a Happy Post)

I am deeply disturbed today.  Today I read about Katelyn Nicole Davis, AKA Dolly.  She is a 12 year old girl who made a permanent choice to solve her struggle with depression and abuse.  She live streamed her suicide.  She gave the world a open view of her hanging herself.  I just.....

According to reports,  she had all the telltale signs of sever depression and abuse.  She was a child who's subtle, and later not so subtle, cries for help were overlooked.  The bruises and self-inflicted cuts were ignored.  While she was on depression medication, WHERE WAS THE DOCTOR WHO PRESCRIBED IT?  That doctor should have seen these things for what they were.  Silent cries for help.  We are so fast to offer anti-depressants.  Nowadays, we as a society don't want to discover the messy, twisted bits that lie at the root of it all?  Nope.  Take a pill and cover it up.

Yes, I am on medication for depression.  I am also seeing a therapist to get to the root of it.  And yes, sometimes it is just a chemical imbalance in the body that is corrected by medication.  I acknowledge that there are many different reasons to be on medication.  But a 12 year old child, with physical evidence of abuse, should not have been placed on medication.  She should have been given a place where she was safe.  But she was overlooked and under cared for.

Her online diary was filled with sadness.  Any of her entries would have been enough to get her the help she needed if someone had taken the time or had paid attention.  But with the new trend (which I had written about previously) of casually saying someone wants to die or hopes to die, the cries of help get lost.  That is why if one of my friends mentions or tries to joke about killing themselves I actually ask how they are doing.

Which leads to another problem.

When someone asks if you are okay, how often do you think they actually want to know the true answer?  9 times out of 10 we say, "Oh I'm fine." or  "Okay."  What about that one time you say, "Not good."  Does the other person care?  Do they try to hear your problems?  Or do they say, "Aw that sucks." and then change the subject?  Do we do that to people?  Here is a challenge.  When you ask how someone is doing, actually CARE! That may be the life line someone needs.  If someone asks how you are doing, BE HONEST!  NO ONE is perfect.  No one should expect other people to be perfect either.    Parents, PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR CHILDREN!  That is your job!  I don't care if you are religious or not but it is your JOB to take care of that child you created or claimed responsibility for.

This as turned into a rant/vent.  Katelyn was 12.  She had an entire future ahead of her.  Thousands of possible paths were placed at her feet.  The choice she made was not the easy way out.  But she was so lost in depression she could only see one path.  It was the shortest path the guaranteed she would no longer suffer.  And she walked it, She broadcast-ed it across the Internet.

If you are sad, lonely, lost, hurting, or any personification of unhappy, talk to someone.  If you find yourself inching closer and closer along that short path, call your local or the international hot line.  Call a friend, teacher, preacher, doctor.  You are not alone in this struggle.  Though you may be be hurting for a different reason, you are NOT alone.

I don't know who all reads my rants I deem a blog.  But I know that I care about you all.  I guess I hope, it may seem a little vain, that my blog can be a small, warm light to someone who is lost in the dark.  Darkness does not last forever.  And you don't have to be alone.  Your reasons for being sad or depressed are real and important.  Be they little or large.  No one can tell you how you should feel.  

Don't just be kind to each other.  Be open.  Open to hear someones call for help or the reason for their joy.  Every little bit of kindness you share can help light up the dark in this cruel world.  You being open could be just the thing someone needs to start of a better path.

The Storm You Knew Has Come

The Holidays are over and live had returned to a our normal chaos.  School, work, not burning down the house.  You know, everyday stuff.  Well, let me go back to the beginning of December.

My daughter, I am sure I have mentioned, is both speech delayed and has sensory issues.  She has various special doctors and therapists that work with her and me to try to help her learn to express herself and understand others.  We went to see her Child Development doctor at the beginning of December.  She is progressing well.  The doctor is happy with her progress.  Then I mentioned how insurance and public education are making it difficult for her to get the therapies she need.

Let me delve into that a little more.  My insurance does not see occupational therapy as medically necessary even though her sensory issues are stating to keep her from accepting new foods, therefore she has a very self imposed, strict diet.  The school also sees no need to try to provide occupational therapy for the same reason.  My insurance is also moaning and groaning about her need for private speech therapy.  Whilst at the same time, the school isn't able to provide her with the intense, one on one, therapy that have been pivotal to the progress she has made.  The school is also unhappy that she receives private therapy and has actually fought to have it discontinued.  I digress.

So as I spoke with her doctor about our struggles the doctor gave me a long look.  She said she thinks it is finally time to get my daughter an actual diagnosis.  This would ensure her ability to get the therapies she needs  Her doctor also mentioned how if my child were to stop receiving these therapies, the likelihood of her regressing is extremely high.  The skills she needs are like muscles.  If you stop training, the muscles return to their weakened state.  The doctor gave me a referral to a local private company to do a thorough examination to diagnose my child with Autism.

I knew this was coming.  I thought I was prepared for it.  Children grow out of Autism everyday with the right therapies and education.  This doesn't have to be a lifetime struggle.  I made the appointment with the Wisconsin Early Autism Project, WEAP.  This last week we had our answer.  I got the diagnosis I needed to help my daughter get the therapies and help she needs.  I got the answer I feared, avoided, needed, and hated.

My sweet little girl has been diagnosed with Mild to Moderate Autism.

The back of my mind is crying.  Screaming, "Why can't my child be normal?"  But I love her no matter what.  She is my little demon.  Sent to test and challenge me.  This is her normal.  She is a happy child.  And I can't ask for much more.  I just need to fight hard for her.  I can't let her become another statistic.  If I try hard enough I can get through anything.

But here is the thing.  While WEAP has a wonderful program, so does SPOTS.  I have a magnitude of information at my fingertips.  I am trying not read EVERYTHING on Google.  I am trying to not take it to heart.  But I haven't a clue on where to go from here.  I have reached out to her therapist and plan on going over everything with them.  I am weary of telling the school because they have only treated her like a paycheck and a way to get funding.  What else am I supposed to do?  What programs are available to me?  How can I afford to take her to these programs?

Questions and whispers swirl in my head.  Fear and worry sit on me like large stones. Questions: "How do I do this?  What do I do?"  Whispers: "People are going to treat her different now.  They will treat her like she is defective."  Fear: "I won't be able to get her what she needs.  I don't know what needs doing."  Worry: "They are going to pigeon hole her at school and force her to be the stereotypical Autistic child.  What will other kids or people think if my family now?"

These past 6-7 months have been topsy turvy with my depression.  While that is under control with the help of medication, this adds to it.  I have control issues and this is something I can't even begin to try to control.  It makes me feel worthless and powerless.

I know this is but a small bump compared to what others have faced.  I am grateful that the diagnosis is light compared to what it could be.  I am glad that this is something that we can work through to make her life more normal and fulfilling.  But just because the snake that bit you isn't poisonous doesn't mean the bite doesn't hurt.