The day after Sunday

The kids have been shipped off to school and I find myself with only a light list of things to do today.  My dear Hubby was kind enough to help me REALLY clean the house this weekend.  I mean, he washed the carpets and everything.  I love that man.  He spoils me.  He even let me have a late night out Saturday with a good friend.  He stayed and watched the kids.  Not that he had to do so much.  The kids were in bed when I left.  But it is the thought that counts.  I still have a stupid sinus cold that just won't leave me be.

We have an unwanted guest in my daughters room. I am keeping the door closed until hubby can get home to take care of it.  Maybe it is because Halloween is now on the radar that he decides to visit.  We have a BAT in the house.  We think we know how he is getting in and hubby will be taking car of it when he gets home.  Until then I will not go into that room.  Nope. Nope. Nope.  I can wash those clothes on her floor a different day.  No rush.

I have my initial therapy appointment tomorrow.  It is about an hour from my house.  So I get a long time to freak out and worry on my way there.  Will she think I am certifiably crazy?  Oh the thinks you can think.  Hubby will be getting off of work an hour early so I can be sure to get there on time.  I am not looking forward to the paperwork.  No that is a lie.  I love paperwork.  I am not looking forward to the awkwardness of trying to explain myself.  This blog is the most I like to talk about myself.

Sadly, my community has received another blow.  Another youth has committed suicide.  This person was 18.  Earlier this year his girlfriend committed suicide.  She was 17 if I remember correctly.  I did not know these people personally.  But I know many people who did.  I can see the pain on their faces. Hear it in their voice.  The anguish is so bitter.  There have been so many teen suicides lately.  Not just in my community but in many places around this world.  It is not like it didn't happen when I was a teenager.  I can remember less than a handful of occurrences in my high school years.  The statistics of suicide are concerning.

On average, there are 117 suicides a day.  PER DAY!  Men are 3.5 times more likely to commit suicide than women.  Whites have held the highest percentage of suicides for more than a decade.  Followed my Native Americans.  Nearly 50% of all suicides are completed by use of a firearm.  Suffocation is 29%.  And for every suicide there is 25 attempts.  It is unclear if the rise in social media, unattainable physical standards, or one of many other factors is contributing to the slow but steady increase of suicides.

But with the use of social media, while there has been an increase in cyber bullying, instructions on how to commit suicide and such, there is also an increasingly large number help sites and awareness pages to reach out and assist in helping those who are in need.  There is hope.  There is help.  No one needs to go at it alone.

I will be updating my links to show the nifty sites I found.  Then I am going to make me some food.  I can't decide if it will be burritos or chicken and pineapple pizza.  Either way.... I win.

Busy Bees

I didn't mean to take a break from the blog.  I honestly hadn't much time this last week and a half.
Between doctor appointments, therapy for Addison, getting the last of the school supplies, actually starting school, and getting acclimated to not having the kids home all the time, I have not had the time to write.  Things should calm down after August is over.  I can't say I am very patiently waiting for September to start.  I am very impatient.  I crave the quite that a schedule brings.  The panic of getting used to when to wake the children in time for the bus, scheduling therapies during school, and making time for a family, is exhausting.

It has been decided that Addison will continue her therapies at Spots House and we will not be taking advantage of the programs available at the school.  The progress she has made over the summer far out preforms the progress she made in an entire school year with the school therapies.  I am very thankful and lucky to have the opportunity to have this program available.  She is talking so much!  I think going to school will also help her.  The other students and teachers do not know her like I do so she will have to find a different way to communicate.  She seemed to enjoy her first day of school.  I think my biggest struggle will be making sure she eats enough and has access to different food, pushing her to try different things.  This lass is quite the picky eater.  I have to get some meat on her bones.

Griffon is LOVING school.  I am glad he enjoys it even though I am having issues with it.  Not with him going to school.  Not even much with what they are doing in class.  It is the fact that my kindergartner has HOMEWORK!  Seriously!  "Oh it is just reading and finishing the projects we don't finish in class."  I don't mind reading to my child.  I love it.  But to assign homework to a 5 year old is asinine.  I also got quite the look when I told the teacher that my child will not be participating in any standardized testing.  Sorry, I refuse to allow my child to become a statistic to milk money out the system.

Next week is my therapy appointment.  I am at that grey line where the medication is working so well I almost feel silly seeking therapy.  But I know I don't want to be on medication forever.  I know therapy will help be be this happy and content without the need of chemistry altering medications.  But I do have have to say that the meds are working very well.  I haven't really had a bad day in a while.  Things are looking up when it comes to my mental health.  My physical health is getting better as well.  I am still slowly losing weight.  I just wish this sinus cold I have had for the past week would bugger off.  I am at the tail of it.  At least I don't sound like I have lost a screaming match with a troll anymore.  I just hack up part of my lungs randomly.

Things are looking good.  I hope they continue this way.

It is September yet?

Sorry.  Sorry.  Sorry.

I completely forgot to make a post on Friday.  My life is so full of crazy and I would forget my head if it were attached.

Okay.  Where was I?  Last week we had to replace a brake line in my car to I was grounded for most of the week.  Ozzie was kind enough to come get me from Addison's therapy appointment where we were stranded.  I even ran out of sugar!  That has never happened before.  It was telling how much I use it in my day to day.

I have to admit I had kind of a bad day last Wednesday.  I had no confidence in myself and just felt like staying in bed all day.  Finally at around 2 pm I was able to pull myself up and and got stuff done around the house.  Over the next few days I was able to get my house respectable again.  I still felt kinda ugly and useless.  But I needed to get the house clean because we had an even busier weekend planned.

We had friends come over with their kids Friday night for burgers.  It was a lot of fun and they are the proud owners of a parts lawnmower.  (Sorry guys!)  The kids were nice an worn out by the end of the night.  After they left, or before actually, another friend came over to play games.  Fallout 4 is addictive!.  I think I will stick to Assassins Creed.  But that wasn't enough!  Saturday we had another set of friends and their kids come up.  They came to spend a day letting the kids play and helping Ozzie with his car projects.  Pizza was had.  Blackberries were picked. I tried Baba ghanoush for the first time.  It was yummy.

This next 2 weeks will be just as crazy.  School starts for the kids in about a week and a half.  Therapies, doctor appointments, time out with friends. finishing school shopping, and a lot of other messiness.  A big shout out to my Mumyeta for offering to buy the kids nap mats!  That helped out a lot.  Thank you!

I start my therapy two weeks from tomorrow.  I am so nervo-cited! The medication has helped a lot but I want to get down to the root of my issues.  I know I have a lot of them and want to adjust as many as I can.

My life has turned so interesting in these last few weeks.  Ozzie and I are taking more time to be together and to meet and interact with new people.  I am so grateful for my friends that we have spent time with, including my new friends that make everything exciting.  I can't wait to hang out with everyone again.

My blue hair will be gone by the end of the week.  It will be going to a different shade.  But that is a surprise.  It may be expected.  It may be shocking.  But it will be fun.

What if I told you?

Secrets.  Life is full of them.  The ones we keep from outsiders.  The ones we keep from family.  The ones we keep from our spouses.  And finally, the ones we keep from ourselves.  There are so many different kinds of secrets.  I was once told that secrets are lies by omission.  That not sharing EVERY SINGLE THING is a lie.  I am blunt.  I am not subtle.  But I don't think everyone wants to hear what is going on inside my head.  It would shock, disgust, offend, entertain, and confuse you.  It does the  same to me.  Ozzie won't even listen to my dreams anymore because he says they are too strange.

This weekend was full of so much crazy.  We had a wedding and a birthday party on Saturday.  Luckily the kids had an overnight babysitter again and Ozzie and I were able to play adults for a little bit.  The wedding was interesting.  It is Wisconsin so there was a LOT of alcohol there.  One gent was so far into the bottle by the time we got there, he decided he would water the grass in front of everyone.  NO WARNING!  The men laughed, the ladies cringed.  It was crazy.  The bride looked absolutely radiant and beautiful.  The groom looked stressed and not happy with the commotion.

The birthday party before the wedding was a lot of fun.  It was nice to hang out with friends who have kids.  The understanding of a messy house and happy screams makes you think you are less crazy.  The family of our friends are great fun, too.  I am glad I got to meet them.  After the wedding we visited a friend in town and had a late night full of fried cheese curds and root beer.  We didn't make it back home until 2:30 AM.

It seems the increased meds are doing well for me.  I am fighting off a little insomnia again.  But I am sure that it will pass as I get used to the new dose.  I am having insomnia but I am very tired as well.  My body wants to sleep and my brain won't stop running.   But so far no bad days.  I am hoping this trend continues.  I am ready to be healthy again.  I want to be happy again.  I have gotten some seriously genuine support that I am very grateful for.  I feel like I am coming even further out of the fog that I had been in.  We are meeting great new people as I am finally willing to go out of my bubble.  I am even eating better and have gone down a full pants size.

I have also met, through forums I am part of or through this blog, so many others who are suffering from depression.  It has so many forms and the word, "depression" is so demonized that people are scared to admit they may have it.  It is hereditary.  It can be cause by any different situations. From what I understand, cutting oneself is a popular self harm for teens suffering from depression.  They are putting physical scars to match the one in their mind.  They refuse to seek help or are scared to seek help.  Cutting releases the anger/sadness/fear that they hold inside, or so they say.  I, personally, have never been so far down the rabbit hole that I believe harming myself was they only way to feel better.  It is saddening to read about or talk to these young girls and boys.

We can all sit at our computer and say, "That is wrong.  They shouldn't do that.  Life isn't that bad."  But we aren't living it.  Sure, some cut or act out to get attention.  There are plenty of youth and even adults that do not.  Much of the time they hide it so they don't hear people say the same words I just typed.  They don't want to be made to feel any worse.  We can show concern and be compassionate with being brash and angry.  Compassion can't reside in anger.  Concern should be shown by tearing another down.  You can be an ear for them to speak to.  You can find ways to help by finding support groups or information online.  Yelling, "YOU SHOULDN'T"T DO THAT!" doesn't help.  Threatening to tell parents or loved ones can only make it worse.  Try to understand that they are feeling EVERYTHING.  Understand that this is how they have learned to process it.  Is it unhealthy and could potentially lead to far more dangerous things?  YES!  But they need a gentle hand to help lift them up.  Not a hard stare and fear.

It you want to help someone who is suffering from any type of depression, lead with love.

I missed one!

This last week has been SO CRAZY!  But in the best way.  I gad a great weekend with family and friends.  We went to a family members birthday on Saturday and had so much fun.  It is always great to have friends with kids that our kids can play with.  Even better if they are cousins.  Even more so if there is good food there.  We were lucky enough to have another babysitter for Saturday night.  Ozzie surprised me by getting us a hotel room with a Jacuzzi.  It was nice to not have to worry about cleaning, kids or pets.  It was also nice to have just time with Ozzie and me.  Nine years and counting.

A funny thing about us is that we talk about everything.  He has access to my emails and facebook.  I have access to his.  We really don't have secrets from each other.  It works for us because I often have to send things for work from his email and he doesn't remember passwords that well.

Sunday we had to do some work around the sheds. It was the best time to do so because the kids were gone and we didn't have to worry about them getting hurt.  A good friend came over to help up out.  After we moved some stuff we sat in the nice air conditioning and watched Wayne's World.  I haven't watched that movie in so long.  It was almost too painful to watch.  "CHA!"  Makes me cringe and laugh at the same time because I remember trying to talk like that.

I finally got my meds from the mail pharmacy.  I think I mentioned how we were going to increase the amount of meds I was taking.  I have only been taking this new amount for a few days.  I am waiting to see how I feel once I am well rested.  I have just been so busy.

My daughters therapies have been changed to be Monday. Tuesday, and Wednesday mornings.  That is a lot of driving for someone who is used to being at home all the time.  Plus getting the kids up earlier than they are used to.  Not that that is a bad thing.  They only have 21 days, as I am reminded by my son, until school starts.  They will be catching the bus in the morning so they will have to start getting up earlier.  We will have to move the bed time again, too.

Time is flying by so fast.  Not dragging everyday.  I guess I am getting better.  I still can't wait until my appointment.  I think I will learn a lot.

This next weekend we will be crazy busy as well.  A birthday party and a wedding on the same day.  Our washer broke last week and we got the part in to repair it just yesterday.  Now that it is working again I have a lot of house work to catch up on.  A house with children never stays clean.

Have a great week everyone!