The Storm You Knew Has Come

The Holidays are over and live had returned to a our normal chaos.  School, work, not burning down the house.  You know, everyday stuff.  Well, let me go back to the beginning of December.

My daughter, I am sure I have mentioned, is both speech delayed and has sensory issues.  She has various special doctors and therapists that work with her and me to try to help her learn to express herself and understand others.  We went to see her Child Development doctor at the beginning of December.  She is progressing well.  The doctor is happy with her progress.  Then I mentioned how insurance and public education are making it difficult for her to get the therapies she need.

Let me delve into that a little more.  My insurance does not see occupational therapy as medically necessary even though her sensory issues are stating to keep her from accepting new foods, therefore she has a very self imposed, strict diet.  The school also sees no need to try to provide occupational therapy for the same reason.  My insurance is also moaning and groaning about her need for private speech therapy.  Whilst at the same time, the school isn't able to provide her with the intense, one on one, therapy that have been pivotal to the progress she has made.  The school is also unhappy that she receives private therapy and has actually fought to have it discontinued.  I digress.

So as I spoke with her doctor about our struggles the doctor gave me a long look.  She said she thinks it is finally time to get my daughter an actual diagnosis.  This would ensure her ability to get the therapies she needs  Her doctor also mentioned how if my child were to stop receiving these therapies, the likelihood of her regressing is extremely high.  The skills she needs are like muscles.  If you stop training, the muscles return to their weakened state.  The doctor gave me a referral to a local private company to do a thorough examination to diagnose my child with Autism.

I knew this was coming.  I thought I was prepared for it.  Children grow out of Autism everyday with the right therapies and education.  This doesn't have to be a lifetime struggle.  I made the appointment with the Wisconsin Early Autism Project, WEAP.  This last week we had our answer.  I got the diagnosis I needed to help my daughter get the therapies and help she needs.  I got the answer I feared, avoided, needed, and hated.

My sweet little girl has been diagnosed with Mild to Moderate Autism.

The back of my mind is crying.  Screaming, "Why can't my child be normal?"  But I love her no matter what.  She is my little demon.  Sent to test and challenge me.  This is her normal.  She is a happy child.  And I can't ask for much more.  I just need to fight hard for her.  I can't let her become another statistic.  If I try hard enough I can get through anything.

But here is the thing.  While WEAP has a wonderful program, so does SPOTS.  I have a magnitude of information at my fingertips.  I am trying not read EVERYTHING on Google.  I am trying to not take it to heart.  But I haven't a clue on where to go from here.  I have reached out to her therapist and plan on going over everything with them.  I am weary of telling the school because they have only treated her like a paycheck and a way to get funding.  What else am I supposed to do?  What programs are available to me?  How can I afford to take her to these programs?

Questions and whispers swirl in my head.  Fear and worry sit on me like large stones. Questions: "How do I do this?  What do I do?"  Whispers: "People are going to treat her different now.  They will treat her like she is defective."  Fear: "I won't be able to get her what she needs.  I don't know what needs doing."  Worry: "They are going to pigeon hole her at school and force her to be the stereotypical Autistic child.  What will other kids or people think if my family now?"

These past 6-7 months have been topsy turvy with my depression.  While that is under control with the help of medication, this adds to it.  I have control issues and this is something I can't even begin to try to control.  It makes me feel worthless and powerless.

I know this is but a small bump compared to what others have faced.  I am grateful that the diagnosis is light compared to what it could be.  I am glad that this is something that we can work through to make her life more normal and fulfilling.  But just because the snake that bit you isn't poisonous doesn't mean the bite doesn't hurt.

Acceptability

It has been a month since I last made a post.  Birthdays have come and gone.  Same with holidays.  The weather outside is getting that icy chill to it.  I hate the cold.  I hate being cold.  Now is the time of year I really start to bake.

I know it is very random of me but I actually had a reason to be posting today.  I was looking through my Facebook feed and lately I have seen many things that have disturbed me.  Now I have no really right climb onto my little soapbox and lecture.  But I have seen this type of thing seemingly grow outrageously fast these past few months.  I really only took a keen notice of it lately.  What is it you may be asking?  Or you are yelling at me to get on with it.  Anyway....

This, or something eerily similar to this, has been become a more and more popular post for young adults and teens to share.  I see the like sometimes on my younger cousins posts.  But wait.  There is more.

My real question is... WHEN THE HECK DID IT BECOME OKAY TO NORMALIZE THOUGHTS OR AMBITIONS LIKE THESE!  People find amusement in this.  People are agreeing with this and are envious of comments like these.  Is it the next new thing to nonchalantly say you want to kill yourself or would rather be dead and NO ONE try to help?  It is just like, "Cool story bro."?   Is it cool to tell people you would rather be dead?  WHY AREN'T PEOPLE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY?!  There has been a rise of depression and anxiety in the youth.  Do we just shrug it off and say they are trying to get attention?  Is it really harmful to have an honest talk about what that person may be feeling to have a comment like that?  WHEN ARE WE AS A SOCIETY GOING TO START TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR EXTREME LACK OF EMPATHY OR CARING!  We throw everyone who is not perfect or seemingly so, into a box and just leave them there, casually throwing in leaflets of "help" to be perceived to be caring.  

"Oh, there is a lot of help available."  Yeah, there is.  But it does no good to just toss this information out with no real intent to follow through with interest.  Schools are quick to advise a person to take pills or spew the "it is just a phase" rhetoric.  It is rare for real help or empathy to be given.  

And parents, how are we not seeing this?  I am not saying we should read their diaries or stalk their social media.  But some healthy observation of what is being posted on a public social site is necessary.  

OK. Rant over.  

It disturbs me to see this becoming common.  It is like youth, in general, are being swept away into the vast see socially acceptable nonsense.  Like they are lost in world of flickering lights.  So many are light and then are extinguished that it becomes a jumble.

We all need to pay attention.  This time of year usually shows a spike in suicide attempts and successes.  It is never a welcomed gift. 

Looking Back

It sucks looking back.  I know I have been away from this blog for a bit.  I didn't know if I really had anything to write about.  Things are going very well for me and mine.  Therapy is going well.  My marriage is amazing.  My kids are the beautiful little demons they are and I wouldn't change them.  Well, most of the time.  I have been making a lot of new friends.  I am getting out of the house more with my family and alone.  I feel like I am making some positive steps forward in my life.  The thing that kills is when, for some reason or another, I catch a glimpse at someone I used to know.

I am glad they are doing well.  I am glad that they are having the best available to them.  I find myself missing the friendships I thought I had with them.  Feeling like I was never really accepted into this special group.  I thought I was.  I thought I was loved for myself.  But being on the outside looking in, it is hard to say that I was.  I wanted to be accepted so badly.  I wanted to feel like I had that special connection to these people.  Maybe I did and my hindsight is clouded with regret and anger.  An entire chapter of my life seems to be washed away.  I wouldn't even know how to write those over again.  I can't say for certain that I want to.

This summer I seem to have gone through a metamorphosis.  I am not the person I was at the beginning of the summer.  I am not back to my old self nor am I the person who brought in this year.  I am a divine combination of past fierceness, past knowledge, and current hope and spunk.  Am I were I think I should be mentally?  No.  I still have a long way to go and 3 therapy sessions are going to fix me.  Taking medication helps but it doesn't fix me.

I guess I hurt seeing these people because I wanted to do all of these fun things with them or have them accompany me through my events.  I guess I had thought I could just ignore that they are also moving on with their lives just as I am moving on with mine.  It hurts even more thinking that they don't miss or think about me and mine.  I think about them and smile, wishing them well.  I hope they are doing the same.  But you never know how another is thinking or feeling.  Especially since there is no common ground or place to interact with them anymore.  Who knew a line would be drawn and nobody knew until we were all on our own sides.

Am I too proud to cross that line or am I too afraid of dredging up hurt feeling and having to relive it?  What if I cross that line and it is awesome?  I can't say that I will ever know.  There is too much potential for hurt and misunderstanding to be able to have a companionable relationship.  My kids still ask about them and it breaks my heart.  I see things that I wish I could tell them about but then I catch myself.  Nope.  Not happening.

This week is hard in general as the anniversary of the death of a dear family member and friend comes closer.  He went too soon.  We can all agree in that.

Kicking it

This weekend was as uneventful as one might imagine.  I had a very easy surgery Friday afternoon and I am astonished by how well I am feeling.  I am making myself take it slow just until I get an all clear from the doctor.  It doesn't help that one of my kids decided that wrestling thins morning was a good idea and I got hit right on an incision point.  OUCH!  But I am good.

I was able to hang out a with a friend and watch movies Saturday while I sat on my butt and healed.  It was nice to have someone who I could talk Tolkien with and other books.  My husband isn't nearly as into fantasy and books as I am.  That makes talking about anything other than cars interesting.  I made my dear, sweet hubby watch the first Hobbit movie with my about a week ago.  It was almost tiring trying to explain who, what, when, where, why of Middle Earth.  I love him but he is no book nerd.  My friend and I had a good ol' time talking about the different parts of Middle Earth.  My mildly drugged self was very happy.

Yesterday, we took the Jag out for a drive.  The color is just reaching it's peak up here in the nort'.  So we took as many back roads as we could find.  I love autumn.  The changing of the leaves is the best part.  Maple and Birch trees, I believe, have the best color.  I can't find any other tree that has the illusion of being cast aflame by the oncoming cold.  The leaves turn every shade of fall.  Red at the tips that lead to seeping oranges, yellows, and greens.

I also get to bake like crazy during this season.  Cookies, cakes, candies, pies.  All of it.  So blissful am I to be surrounded by sugar, flour, and butter.  The sad part is the dishes that must be cleaned during the process.  I really wish I had a dishwasher during this time of year.

Mentally, I am very at peace right now.  My marriage is awesome.  My kids are growing and learning.  I have the time to be me.  My friendships are become more bright and different.  I have done more for myself these past few months than I have done in the previous 9 years.  Taking the time to spend with friends, with or without children.  Taking the time for me.  Tomorrow is my next therapy session.  It has been a while since I went due to illness in the home.  But I am excited to see how it goes.

Under the Knife

There probably won't be a post tomorrow.  I am having a routine surgery and will be drugged up most of the day.  Should go simple and easy.  Nothing like having surgery to ring in a say good bye to the month and start the next month with healthier eating...  Ah who am I kidding.  At the first chance to make a cheesecake, I am doing it.  Yum.

The world is trying to start being more open and accepting of people who suffer from mental illnesses.  You can see it in the TV shows, read it in books and news articles, and even hear it in music.  With all this acceptance it should be easy to go seek help, right?  Wrong.  Just because the world has put a shiny label on something does not mean it is easier to get help or even come out with what is wrong.  It is still a struggle to acknowledge, even to myself sometimes, that I am only getting better because I am taking a little pill and talking to someone who is little more than a stranger about what I think my issues are.

Depression is only one of the numerous crippling mental health issues that people of this day and age deal with.  Anxiety runs rampant through the youth as the prospects outside of school become grim.  Not just in the youth, but everywhere.  Men and woman are rushing in the human race and sometimes there is too much pressure.  In fact, Anxiety is the most common mental illness in the U.S.  Affecting 18% of the population.  Anorexia and Bulimia sweep through both women and men as the world prints digitally enhanced photos with the underlying context, "You Must Look Like This To be Considered Attractive."  Setting impossible standards that are unhealthy and unrealistic.  

These are but a few of the many mental health issues/illness that are in being made "mainstream".  Only about one third of those suffering actually receive treatment.  One half of those diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with anxiety.  With anxiety alone there are many sub categories.  There are many treatment options available with each one.

I know some will say, "It is just the pharmaceutical companies making money of people.  Creating new 'illnesses' so they can sell more drugs."  I am not fond of pharmaceutical companies in general but I am grateful to be able to have something that helps me.  I will not get into the wrongs of those companies right now, if ever.  I am just glad that those I know who take something to help them get through the day without bringing harm to themselves or to those around them, have it available to them.

This post really has no rhyme or reason to it.  Some small peeks into the labyrinth that is my mind.  I haven't had enough tea lately to make sense of most of it.

Did I mention....... IT IS AUTUMN!!!!! My favorite season.  Not for the pumpkin spice junk.  But for sweaters, apple cider, pie, cake, or just plain apples!  The colors of the trees and the sharp, crisp breath of the breeze.  Corn mazes, pumpkin patches, spice cookies, Halloween!,  Mr. Boogity,  Hocus Pocus, The Tale of Icabod Crane, and so much more!  All these things give a perfect setting for bonfires, wood smoke, clear and starry nights.  The only thing that would make this season better is if it would just freeze at the time when the trees are in full color, the bugs are gone and I have an apple in my hand.  No need for winter.  I am good.

Month of Ill

As the title suggests, I have been ill for the past month if not longer.  Starting with a sinus cold for 2 weeks, then a sinus infection for 2 weeks, add a bit of pink eye, and top it off with what I am guessing is another sinus cold/infection.  Oh the joys of being me.

As for the future I am heading into a routine surgery this weekend.  The kids will be spending a great deal of time with the grandparents this weekend.  If I happen to call you and I sound like I am stoned off my butt, I apologize and please record it because I am sure it will be hilarious.  The kids are liking school and I am trying to get back into the groove of being home alone after about 2 weeks of kids/spouses home sick.  I am very lazy.  As for therapy, I had to cancel my last visit because I did not want to share the lovely thing known as pink eye with the clinic.

I have posted before about teen suicides and the statistics surrounding it.  I have even posted about the ways to help talk to someone who is considering suicide.  It is all gruesome and tedious business.  There is no happiness about it, save only if someone turns away from suicide and gets the help they deserve.  The stories of suicide does not end with the ending of a life.  The pain and sadness flows on in those who are left behind.  The mothers, fathers, siblings, and loved ones of the person who has been lost.  These people have to live with the memories of everything.  It is never certain if it would bring more pain to them if they were asked about their loss or if talking about it will bring comfort.  The grey area is different for every case.

A good friend of mine has started a new website and project because of the loss of a beautiful soul.  It is on Facebook as well.  We're Still Here Project is the brain child of my brilliant friend, Jessica.  An amazing woman who makes web pages bend to her will, also has one of the most tender and caring hearts I have been blessed to know.  It was actually because of her own battles that she chose to come public with that I decided to seek help for my depression and create this blog.  Back to the project.

It is still in its infancy and needs the stories and views of other people to succeed.  These stories could possibly help someone else that has suffered a loss.  I am a firm believer that it is through stories that a person is still here.  Through stories a person may become immortal.  This project hopes to grow into a resource to help those left behind with what they need up to helping with the costs to lay those who have gone too soon to rest.

Check out the web page.  You can search We're Still Here Project on Facebook or if you are my friend on FB I am sure you have seen me share some of the posts.

As Jessica has said on the website, death has no age limit.  If we can help someone who has felt the sting of loss feel even a smidge better it is well worth it.

WEEKEND!

I am still on the mend from my infections.  I can go most of the day without pain killers unless I stare at a screen too long.

We signed the papers for the repairs and upgrades on the house today.  Oh the joy of spending $45,000 that you didn't really want to but know you have to.  It should be all done and over with in about 3 months.  Alas, it is signed, filed, and now we just have to pick the color for the new siding.  I am glad the kids will be in school during the bulk of the mayhem that will be going on.

Now to turn our attention to getting the land ready for the coming winter.  Plow truck needs to be serviced if not changed over.  Our old Crusty is getting too crusty and we may be putting the plow on a different truck,

This week was interesting with the infection and with the kids.  I was really hoping that I would have time to be miserable by myself this week.  Well, my son had a stomach ache Tuesday and my daughter didn't want to be in school on Wednesday.  I got Thursday to be a sick, sad momma.  Moms truly never get breaks.

This weekend I hope to be able to get some alone time.  As well as some time with just the hubby and I.  Got an over night babysitter set for Saturday.  DATE NIGHT!  We may make some time to play cards against humanity with some friends.

Good health for the weekend.