Common trap

trap¹

trap/

noun

1. 1.

   a device or enclosure designed to catch and retain animals, typically by allowing entry but not exit or by catching hold of a part of the body.

   • 
     
2. 2.

   a situation in which people lie in wait to make a surprise attack.

our business.  I am dragging my family and business down by making everyone else carry me.  

I am crawling out of a trap.  Pulling myself out and up.  It is a common trap.  One I foolishly thought I would never fall into.  Pride.  Stupidity.  Fear.  These three things are but a few of the lures of this trap.  A trap of the mind.  Many if not all mental illnesses have this trap.  The, "I'm doing well.  I don't need help." trap.  

I have depression.  This is not new.  It is easier managed, in my case, with medication.  I have been on medication for almost 2 years.  But, honestly, in the last six months, I have not been as dedicated to taking my meds as much as I need to be.  Missing a day here, two to three days here.  Thinking that I will be okay with the randomness of my consumption.  "I am fine"  "I don't think I need them as much anymore."  Golly, I am stupid.  

Slowly.  Everso slowly, my temper flares.  I talk down to myself more.  It becomes harder to get out of bed.  I  am not doing as much as is needed of me for my family and business.  Intimacy is a burden.  I throw more responsibilities off of myself and onto my husband.  Food is a comfortable poison.  Until one day, it is not a slow decline but a massive drop.  That moment when you look into the mirror and hate yourself for what you have allowed to happen.  Instead of creating an urge to change, you look on with disgust and crawl further into the trap, into the dark.  

It took talking with my husband, going over just how far down I have gone.  All the while telling myself that I was doing better and was fine, the complete opposite was/is true.  I am not doing better and I am not fine.  I am closing myself off again.  I do not engage with my friends the way I previously did.  I am a mountain of excuses.  I have become unable to handle stress because I do not allow myself to cope. I am too lazy and sad to try to find a way to relieve my stress.  Too fearful of looking silly or spending money.  Telling myself over and over that I do not have the time.  Refusing to make time for myself.  Refusing to put an effort in anywhere.  No.  That is not completely true.

I put effort into pretending.  Attempting to fool the world and myself.   A pretty lie rather than an ugly truth.

I don't like talking to friends about when I feel crappy, sad, or anything negative.  I figure they have their own issues and I don't want to burden them with mine.  I don't want to drag other people into the dark with me.

I am not fine.  I am stressed beyond measure.  I am scared that I am failing my children and am not a good enough teacher for them.  I am sad that I am not doing as much as I need to do or can do for my husband and our business.  I am dragging my family and business down by making everyone else carry me.  

I am not fine.  But I am working on it.

Small town USA

My current town has around 1400 people in its boundaries.  My husbands graduating class was about 30 teens.  There is little to no violence.  Most people leave their keys in their vehicles overnight and rarely lock the doors to their homes.  We have gun shows at the high school gym.  People know each other by sight and it is easy to get caught up in conversation at the grocery store or gas station.  This is a nice little town. 

However, like many other little towns across this land, it has its fair share of unpleasantness. Gossip.  Grudges. Past that never dies.  Cliques. Fear of something new.  People are wary of anything different.   Take a purple haired southwestern-er for example.  I am definitely different from the average Wisconsinite. 

I get it. 

I have loud hair and a louder opinion.  I do not hold to the idea that I must bow to my husband or that I must change my outer appearance to fit in with the locals.  I am blunt.  I sugar coat nothing.  Well, I sugar coat cookies but that is entirely different.  I don't pretend to like someone.  If people don't like me, fine.  I am doing better about not losing sleep over something I cannot control. I homeschool my children and will tell anyone who will listen why I think that my local schools suck.  I am not a liberal. I am not a conservative.  I like to think I am in the happy middle.  Taxation is theft by the way.

Being as I am, after 10 years, I am still an outsider.  Friends are few but they accept me for being me.

I work all day at me and my husbands used car dealership. I am with my family almost 24/7.  And it drives me mad sometimes.  So Ozzie and I try to have "Me Dates" about once a week to every 2 weeks.  A " Me Date" is when Ozzie or myself do something just for us. Alone.  Often times, when finances are good, I will take myself out to a dinner and a show.  This gives me a chance to go and see what I like without compromising.  Or we will go hang out with a friend.  Basically, it is a chance for us to remember that we are more than just a husband or wife or mother or father.  Other times it may just be an hour or two locked away in the bedroom with music and a good book.

I bring this up because people find this practice strange.  I can understand that.  You are not supposed to crave time away from your children or spouse. 

This post is random and may not make much sense.    I just want to encourage people in relationships or building families to find time to still be an individual.  How a small town thinks or how the social norm is presented is not a script you need to follow.  If people cannot accept it then they are not worth the precious grains of sand passing through the hourglass.

And the beat goes on

Wow.  A year. Filled with change, stress, happiness, and all other eewy, gooey feelings. 

This time last year Ozzie had officially quit his job as a machinist.  I was working for an at home call center.  A was just about to start her therapy for her autism.  G was at public school.

Now both the kids are homeschooled.  A just finished a year of therapy and it is amazing how she had progressed.  G has started grade 2 in his homeschool curriculum. We own and run a used car dealership.  We have recently moved from having the business run out of the home to an actual lot and office.  

Has all this been easy?  

HELL NO!  

I have had times where both Ozzie and myself have been beyond frustrated, stressed, worried, elated, proud, and content.  We go through almost each of that every single day.  But so far, with the help of family, friends and the people who buy cars from us, the lights are still on.

Honestly, I still have moments where I wish our life was the way it was a little over a year ago.  This mostly happens when things are difficult. Did I ever aspire to have my own business? No is the simple answer.  Could I ever go back?  Again, no.  Ozzie has been happier than he has ever been.  He has been more challenged and stressed than he has ever been at the same time.  It is the proverbial double-sided coin.  You can't have one without the other.

We have not returned to church.  I still have a hard time thinking about returning without becoming upset.  I have never been very good at letting things go.  That whole situation tore into me so deeply.  I am sure it will be a while yet until I learn to let it go.  I am awful at forgiving.  Just ask anyone who knows me.  I am an eater of souls and will sooner rip your face off and tear you down than forgive.  I need to work on that.

Anywho, Spring and "The Thaw" have come to Wisconsin.  I love spring but I hate "The Thaw".  It is that time of year where the snow slowly melts, leaving everything muddy.  Slowly, you will start finding random little in your yard.  Maybe a stray Sonic cup will materialize.  "How the heck did that get here? There isn't even a Sonic within a 2-hour drive!"

But I do have a favorite thing that can only come from "The Thaw".  Maple Syrup.  Well, Maple anything.  It is tapping time.  I have often thought about trying to tap some of the trees on our land.  However I think, when would I even have the time?! Even now I should be working on the stack of receipts that have flown in and made a nest on my desk.  Otherwise, I could be straining my brain to think of new and powerful ways to market my business and get people excited to buy a car from me.

So now I am trying to find myself again.

Mother

Wife

Teacher

Small Business Owner

I am sure there is Me in there somewhere.