Looking Back

It sucks looking back.  I know I have been away from this blog for a bit.  I didn't know if I really had anything to write about.  Things are going very well for me and mine.  Therapy is going well.  My marriage is amazing.  My kids are the beautiful little demons they are and I wouldn't change them.  Well, most of the time.  I have been making a lot of new friends.  I am getting out of the house more with my family and alone.  I feel like I am making some positive steps forward in my life.  The thing that kills is when, for some reason or another, I catch a glimpse at someone I used to know.

I am glad they are doing well.  I am glad that they are having the best available to them.  I find myself missing the friendships I thought I had with them.  Feeling like I was never really accepted into this special group.  I thought I was.  I thought I was loved for myself.  But being on the outside looking in, it is hard to say that I was.  I wanted to be accepted so badly.  I wanted to feel like I had that special connection to these people.  Maybe I did and my hindsight is clouded with regret and anger.  An entire chapter of my life seems to be washed away.  I wouldn't even know how to write those over again.  I can't say for certain that I want to.

This summer I seem to have gone through a metamorphosis.  I am not the person I was at the beginning of the summer.  I am not back to my old self nor am I the person who brought in this year.  I am a divine combination of past fierceness, past knowledge, and current hope and spunk.  Am I were I think I should be mentally?  No.  I still have a long way to go and 3 therapy sessions are going to fix me.  Taking medication helps but it doesn't fix me.

I guess I hurt seeing these people because I wanted to do all of these fun things with them or have them accompany me through my events.  I guess I had thought I could just ignore that they are also moving on with their lives just as I am moving on with mine.  It hurts even more thinking that they don't miss or think about me and mine.  I think about them and smile, wishing them well.  I hope they are doing the same.  But you never know how another is thinking or feeling.  Especially since there is no common ground or place to interact with them anymore.  Who knew a line would be drawn and nobody knew until we were all on our own sides.

Am I too proud to cross that line or am I too afraid of dredging up hurt feeling and having to relive it?  What if I cross that line and it is awesome?  I can't say that I will ever know.  There is too much potential for hurt and misunderstanding to be able to have a companionable relationship.  My kids still ask about them and it breaks my heart.  I see things that I wish I could tell them about but then I catch myself.  Nope.  Not happening.

This week is hard in general as the anniversary of the death of a dear family member and friend comes closer.  He went too soon.  We can all agree in that.