Common trap

trap¹

trap/

noun

1. 1.

   a device or enclosure designed to catch and retain animals, typically by allowing entry but not exit or by catching hold of a part of the body.

   • 
     
2. 2.

   a situation in which people lie in wait to make a surprise attack.

our business.  I am dragging my family and business down by making everyone else carry me.  

I am crawling out of a trap.  Pulling myself out and up.  It is a common trap.  One I foolishly thought I would never fall into.  Pride.  Stupidity.  Fear.  These three things are but a few of the lures of this trap.  A trap of the mind.  Many if not all mental illnesses have this trap.  The, "I'm doing well.  I don't need help." trap.  

I have depression.  This is not new.  It is easier managed, in my case, with medication.  I have been on medication for almost 2 years.  But, honestly, in the last six months, I have not been as dedicated to taking my meds as much as I need to be.  Missing a day here, two to three days here.  Thinking that I will be okay with the randomness of my consumption.  "I am fine"  "I don't think I need them as much anymore."  Golly, I am stupid.  

Slowly.  Everso slowly, my temper flares.  I talk down to myself more.  It becomes harder to get out of bed.  I  am not doing as much as is needed of me for my family and business.  Intimacy is a burden.  I throw more responsibilities off of myself and onto my husband.  Food is a comfortable poison.  Until one day, it is not a slow decline but a massive drop.  That moment when you look into the mirror and hate yourself for what you have allowed to happen.  Instead of creating an urge to change, you look on with disgust and crawl further into the trap, into the dark.  

It took talking with my husband, going over just how far down I have gone.  All the while telling myself that I was doing better and was fine, the complete opposite was/is true.  I am not doing better and I am not fine.  I am closing myself off again.  I do not engage with my friends the way I previously did.  I am a mountain of excuses.  I have become unable to handle stress because I do not allow myself to cope. I am too lazy and sad to try to find a way to relieve my stress.  Too fearful of looking silly or spending money.  Telling myself over and over that I do not have the time.  Refusing to make time for myself.  Refusing to put an effort in anywhere.  No.  That is not completely true.

I put effort into pretending.  Attempting to fool the world and myself.   A pretty lie rather than an ugly truth.

I don't like talking to friends about when I feel crappy, sad, or anything negative.  I figure they have their own issues and I don't want to burden them with mine.  I don't want to drag other people into the dark with me.

I am not fine.  I am stressed beyond measure.  I am scared that I am failing my children and am not a good enough teacher for them.  I am sad that I am not doing as much as I need to do or can do for my husband and our business.  I am dragging my family and business down by making everyone else carry me.  

I am not fine.  But I am working on it.

Small town USA

My current town has around 1400 people in its boundaries.  My husbands graduating class was about 30 teens.  There is little to no violence.  Most people leave their keys in their vehicles overnight and rarely lock the doors to their homes.  We have gun shows at the high school gym.  People know each other by sight and it is easy to get caught up in conversation at the grocery store or gas station.  This is a nice little town. 

However, like many other little towns across this land, it has its fair share of unpleasantness. Gossip.  Grudges. Past that never dies.  Cliques. Fear of something new.  People are wary of anything different.   Take a purple haired southwestern-er for example.  I am definitely different from the average Wisconsinite. 

I get it. 

I have loud hair and a louder opinion.  I do not hold to the idea that I must bow to my husband or that I must change my outer appearance to fit in with the locals.  I am blunt.  I sugar coat nothing.  Well, I sugar coat cookies but that is entirely different.  I don't pretend to like someone.  If people don't like me, fine.  I am doing better about not losing sleep over something I cannot control. I homeschool my children and will tell anyone who will listen why I think that my local schools suck.  I am not a liberal. I am not a conservative.  I like to think I am in the happy middle.  Taxation is theft by the way.

Being as I am, after 10 years, I am still an outsider.  Friends are few but they accept me for being me.

I work all day at me and my husbands used car dealership. I am with my family almost 24/7.  And it drives me mad sometimes.  So Ozzie and I try to have "Me Dates" about once a week to every 2 weeks.  A " Me Date" is when Ozzie or myself do something just for us. Alone.  Often times, when finances are good, I will take myself out to a dinner and a show.  This gives me a chance to go and see what I like without compromising.  Or we will go hang out with a friend.  Basically, it is a chance for us to remember that we are more than just a husband or wife or mother or father.  Other times it may just be an hour or two locked away in the bedroom with music and a good book.

I bring this up because people find this practice strange.  I can understand that.  You are not supposed to crave time away from your children or spouse. 

This post is random and may not make much sense.    I just want to encourage people in relationships or building families to find time to still be an individual.  How a small town thinks or how the social norm is presented is not a script you need to follow.  If people cannot accept it then they are not worth the precious grains of sand passing through the hourglass.

And the beat goes on

Wow.  A year. Filled with change, stress, happiness, and all other eewy, gooey feelings. 

This time last year Ozzie had officially quit his job as a machinist.  I was working for an at home call center.  A was just about to start her therapy for her autism.  G was at public school.

Now both the kids are homeschooled.  A just finished a year of therapy and it is amazing how she had progressed.  G has started grade 2 in his homeschool curriculum. We own and run a used car dealership.  We have recently moved from having the business run out of the home to an actual lot and office.  

Has all this been easy?  

HELL NO!  

I have had times where both Ozzie and myself have been beyond frustrated, stressed, worried, elated, proud, and content.  We go through almost each of that every single day.  But so far, with the help of family, friends and the people who buy cars from us, the lights are still on.

Honestly, I still have moments where I wish our life was the way it was a little over a year ago.  This mostly happens when things are difficult. Did I ever aspire to have my own business? No is the simple answer.  Could I ever go back?  Again, no.  Ozzie has been happier than he has ever been.  He has been more challenged and stressed than he has ever been at the same time.  It is the proverbial double-sided coin.  You can't have one without the other.

We have not returned to church.  I still have a hard time thinking about returning without becoming upset.  I have never been very good at letting things go.  That whole situation tore into me so deeply.  I am sure it will be a while yet until I learn to let it go.  I am awful at forgiving.  Just ask anyone who knows me.  I am an eater of souls and will sooner rip your face off and tear you down than forgive.  I need to work on that.

Anywho, Spring and "The Thaw" have come to Wisconsin.  I love spring but I hate "The Thaw".  It is that time of year where the snow slowly melts, leaving everything muddy.  Slowly, you will start finding random little in your yard.  Maybe a stray Sonic cup will materialize.  "How the heck did that get here? There isn't even a Sonic within a 2-hour drive!"

But I do have a favorite thing that can only come from "The Thaw".  Maple Syrup.  Well, Maple anything.  It is tapping time.  I have often thought about trying to tap some of the trees on our land.  However I think, when would I even have the time?! Even now I should be working on the stack of receipts that have flown in and made a nest on my desk.  Otherwise, I could be straining my brain to think of new and powerful ways to market my business and get people excited to buy a car from me.

So now I am trying to find myself again.

Mother

Wife

Teacher

Small Business Owner

I am sure there is Me in there somewhere.

It is time...

For an update.

Things have been interesting these last few weeks.  I have started my job and I am finding that I really enjoy it.  It is simple and allows me to feel like I am being productive.  It has a much bigger roll in my family than I first considered but I will explain that more later in this post.

The program I wanted to get my daughter in had an unexpected opening and we have started the process to get her the therapy that will be life changing for her and our family.  Many people, when I have told them that my daughter has be diagnosed with mild to moderate autism say, "I don't see it."  But it is there.  It is there when she will scream and cry over a new food being placed on the table.  Even worse it it comes dangerously close to her plate.  A quite, or even semi-quite dinner is a rare occurrence.  She isn't growing as fast as she should due to her very limited food choices.  She isn't malnourished but she is on the very edge of being too skinny and small for her age bracket.  It is there when she avoids certain activities because the noise, which isn't disturbing to another child of her age, or because of the feel of the project.  We had to cut her beautiful hair short because I couldn't stand another 15-30 minute screaming fit when I try to gently brush out the dead locks she gives herself every night.  It is much better now.... only 5 minutes of crying each morning.  Don't even get me started on trying to get her to brush her teeth.  It is there when she tried to run into traffic if I let go of her hand and don't immediately tell her to stay.  She has no self preservation.  No situational fear.  It is there when she is playing with her brother or a friend and she has no idea what a facial expression or tone of voice means.  To an outside eye it would look like she is just tormenting her brother for her own fun as siblings are known to do.  But she really cannot read his body language, face, tone, and doesn't have a basic understanding of words to tell that he is done playing and is upset.  When someone is crying she doesn't ask why or show any empathy.  She doesn't now how.  Just because you do not see a medical condition doesn't mean it  is not there.

Anyway, this new program with have intensive personal therapy that is tailored to her and her needs.  It is honestly the best thing that is available to her.  Our entire family will benefit.  Even if it is just for a meal without tears.

A big change has started.  Ozzie, the best man I know, has decided to start his own business.  He is my everything so I will support him in it.  I will do what I can to help him succeed.  We tried to slowly step into it.  But with me working now and his working during the day, not much was able to get done.  The banks are only open so long during the day.  So, after much consideration, thought, and sweaty, panicky moments it was decided that he would resign from his job and put his full effort into starting his business.  That is where my job comes in.  I will be the main bread winner.... again.

Is it scary? Yes.  Are we crazy?  More than likely.  But I have complete faith in Ozzie's abilities and tenacity.  So, my friends, family, random internet people, your support and encouragement is greatly needed.  A kind word and a good word can go far.  Kind thoughts and wishes are more than welcome as well.

So onto the next twisted trail to follow.

Pew Pew

So I am rather upset with my public school.  My son, who is 6 and in kindergarten, was kept from playing at recess and had to write lines at school.  But why? you may ask.  For pretending to be an Army Man, pretending his hand was a gun and used his imagination while playing with a friend to shoot bad guys. He wasn't pretend shooting at other children.  He was pretend shooting at imaginary bad guys.  But he was wrong and was disciplined for his play.  I think that is beyond ridiculous and goes far beyond the reach of schooling.

My husband has started his own blog and he shared his feeling and thoughts, which I completely agree with on this subject, far more clearly than I think I can.  So I am going to link his blog.

Enjoy.

Endless Wanderings Of Ozzie's Mind

My road I walk

If you know me, you know that I am blunt.  I don't dance around the point to anything.  Let me just get this out of the way.

I don't like Trump.  I dislike Hillary Clinton more.  I think Bernie Sanders is too pathetic to take seriously.  I wanted Ron Paul to be my president.

Phew.  Now that that is out of the way I can get along with my writings.  The rest of my post has nothing to do with politics.

I got a job last week.  An actual, legitimate work from home job.  I haven't held a job other than Mom for almost 6 years.  This whole experience is a lovely mix of excitement and nerves.  I don't plan on this being a long term thing.  Maybe a year or two.  Depends on how I enjoy it and the needs of the family. The plan is to help my amazing husband pay down some of our bills so we can better live on one income.  We can do it now, but there are extras that I want to save for that is not possible to do right now.

I wanna go on an actual vacation.  Hawaii, Japan, Italy.  Heck even Las Vegas sounds fun.  I want To be able to visit my family in Wyoming for Christmas this year.  I want to be able to go to the store in the middle of the week and not worry about putting too much into my cart.  Small things, like not having to have a heart attack every time a bill comes in the mail.  I know I will not be able to get rich with this job.  But I know I can take over the mortgage payment with what I make in a month.  One less thing for my hubby to worry about.

My husband does so much for me.  He works so hard during the week for me and the kids.  We have a great house, food, and are comfortable because of his drive and hard work.  Thank you, my love.

The therapy situation with my daughter has several interesting turns.  The program I hoped to get her into does not have any openings until August.  With my new work schedule her current therapists and I are trying to find the best time to have her therapies.  They are being very helpful and understanding with everything.  We will work it out.  I haven't told the school about her diagnosis.  I don't like my school district.  I feel that they would just use her diagnosis as a way to collect more money without putting in more effort.  That is what I believe they are currently with just an IEP.

Sadly, with this new job, I will not be able to continue my therapy.  I know I still need it.  But until all the bumps are worked out with my work schedule, the kids schedule, and therapies, I don't think I can commit to a time to see the therapist.  I don't like making time commitments I cannot keep.

I messaged a person I used to consider a friend in the last few weeks.  It is truly awkward.  I don't know how much to share, what to ask, or really how much of myself to put into it.  She is a great lady.  I just am not too trusting with very personal input right now.  Yeah, I know.  I have a blog.  But I don't put anything in this blog that I am not comfortable with a complete stranger knowing.  I still have much I do not share with the Internet.  Anyway,  I have no idea how to proceed with this person.  I don't want to get hurt like that again or potentially hurt someone in turn.

I am walking carefully ahead.  I am not as trusting as I once was.  I am trying to focus on myself and my family.  Because, while I love my friends, my family is the most important thing in my world.  They are the entirety of my world.  And I need to take care of myself so I can be the best I can for them.

This was a very random rant of a post.  No true plot or point.  Structured Chaos.  That is my life.  I kinda like it that way.  When things are predictable, I tend to feel like I am in a cage.  I feel like I am not in control of my life.  Funny how a small amount of chaos makes me feel like I am in control.  

Rest in Peace Dolly (Warning. Not a Happy Post)

I am deeply disturbed today.  Today I read about Katelyn Nicole Davis, AKA Dolly.  She is a 12 year old girl who made a permanent choice to solve her struggle with depression and abuse.  She live streamed her suicide.  She gave the world a open view of her hanging herself.  I just.....

According to reports,  she had all the telltale signs of sever depression and abuse.  She was a child who's subtle, and later not so subtle, cries for help were overlooked.  The bruises and self-inflicted cuts were ignored.  While she was on depression medication, WHERE WAS THE DOCTOR WHO PRESCRIBED IT?  That doctor should have seen these things for what they were.  Silent cries for help.  We are so fast to offer anti-depressants.  Nowadays, we as a society don't want to discover the messy, twisted bits that lie at the root of it all?  Nope.  Take a pill and cover it up.

Yes, I am on medication for depression.  I am also seeing a therapist to get to the root of it.  And yes, sometimes it is just a chemical imbalance in the body that is corrected by medication.  I acknowledge that there are many different reasons to be on medication.  But a 12 year old child, with physical evidence of abuse, should not have been placed on medication.  She should have been given a place where she was safe.  But she was overlooked and under cared for.

Her online diary was filled with sadness.  Any of her entries would have been enough to get her the help she needed if someone had taken the time or had paid attention.  But with the new trend (which I had written about previously) of casually saying someone wants to die or hopes to die, the cries of help get lost.  That is why if one of my friends mentions or tries to joke about killing themselves I actually ask how they are doing.

Which leads to another problem.

When someone asks if you are okay, how often do you think they actually want to know the true answer?  9 times out of 10 we say, "Oh I'm fine." or  "Okay."  What about that one time you say, "Not good."  Does the other person care?  Do they try to hear your problems?  Or do they say, "Aw that sucks." and then change the subject?  Do we do that to people?  Here is a challenge.  When you ask how someone is doing, actually CARE! That may be the life line someone needs.  If someone asks how you are doing, BE HONEST!  NO ONE is perfect.  No one should expect other people to be perfect either.    Parents, PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR CHILDREN!  That is your job!  I don't care if you are religious or not but it is your JOB to take care of that child you created or claimed responsibility for.

This as turned into a rant/vent.  Katelyn was 12.  She had an entire future ahead of her.  Thousands of possible paths were placed at her feet.  The choice she made was not the easy way out.  But she was so lost in depression she could only see one path.  It was the shortest path the guaranteed she would no longer suffer.  And she walked it, She broadcast-ed it across the Internet.

If you are sad, lonely, lost, hurting, or any personification of unhappy, talk to someone.  If you find yourself inching closer and closer along that short path, call your local or the international hot line.  Call a friend, teacher, preacher, doctor.  You are not alone in this struggle.  Though you may be be hurting for a different reason, you are NOT alone.

I don't know who all reads my rants I deem a blog.  But I know that I care about you all.  I guess I hope, it may seem a little vain, that my blog can be a small, warm light to someone who is lost in the dark.  Darkness does not last forever.  And you don't have to be alone.  Your reasons for being sad or depressed are real and important.  Be they little or large.  No one can tell you how you should feel.  

Don't just be kind to each other.  Be open.  Open to hear someones call for help or the reason for their joy.  Every little bit of kindness you share can help light up the dark in this cruel world.  You being open could be just the thing someone needs to start of a better path.